Quote: I wish I had a C like yours. FrankD has a really good one too, I learn a lot from his C sessions also. I love my C, she is supportive and knows our sitch and my H well, but it is not concrete and action oriented as yours is. What great steps you are taking!
Yea, I like her. I think Frank's was a little better in terms of stepping up and really forcing him to DO things, but mine is pretty good at letting me get to my own decisions and helps me understand a lot of the WHY's of my life right now. She is not so much "action" oriented as I am action oriented and ask her for her opinion on things. She DOES suggest things sometimes, but I think she is far more comfortable talking about those childhood issues or relating my past to present problems. She is Imago trained and that has a lot to do with Freudian theories of childhood shaping the rest of our lives. I think C is trained in Imago but she is very open to other ways of approacing things and while not SBT in fact, in spirit, she is doing pretty well.
Quote: It is amazing to see how as soon as a sitch changes, even slightly, our tendency is to put the focus on something else outside of ourselves, instead of inside to do the work on us. I would much rather focus on the A, my H's behavior, etc. than focus on the central ingredient in my life - ME!
Ain't that the truth. I think many of us get hung up on thinking that by turning our back so-to-speak on the affair and instead concentrating on ourselves, that we are somehow condoning their actions or taking all the blame. No, we are doing neither. We are simply acknowledging that worring about the affair and being consumed by it is not only bad for us as individuals, but also bad for any hope at a future relationship we may have with our WAS. Do we "let" the affairs go on forever? Hell no, but then again, as many of us luckily know, they often don't go on forever, or even close. We don't HAVE to kill the affair, they're suicidal by nature.
Quote: Awesome work, GH. We can see this for our spouses so easily, that they are seeking or focusing on something "outside" rather than looking inward when they have an A, yet we resist it for ourselves just as much in our own ways without a little prodding. Nice to recall how much the same we are, even if our "acting out" takes different forms.
I think we do. I think in MANY ways, if we try, we can empathize with our spouses. I like the idea (well, I hate it, but you know what I mean) that both the WAS and LBS eventually come to the same two conclusions, just at very different times, and with somewhat different reactions. First, that the marriage is rotten and second that there needs to be something done about it. The fact is that the WAS just get there first and then, without much of ANY support, or guidence like we have here, they start trying to figure out what to do and then enters Price or Princess Charming to save their lives. Ah ha, they say, NOW we're getting somewhere. Finally...hmmmmm, now how do I tell spouse about this wonderful new part of my life...lol.
Like you say, even when WE find out about this terrible thing they've done, our instinct is not usually to get help or look within to solve the problems, it's to exteralize as much of it as possible, spread the blame far and thin and try to escape the hell we find ourselves in. Some of us kick out our spouses. Some of us leave. Some of us retreat into depression. The fact is that most of us DO NOT DO what we now believe is right, which is to get right with ourselves, get our priorities straight and renew OUR life so that we're full people again. We can't do all that and we supposedly WANT the marriage still, wonder how hard it is for our WAS to do that kind of soul searching when they DON'T want the marriage anymore AND think that their soul is entwined with the OP?
