Welp, finally got back to see my C yesterday and after a brief catch up (last time I saw her, the A was still in full swing) we spent the session mainly discussing my desire for more intimacy in our R and my growing anxiety. She reminded me that I had been doing well with controlling my anxiety last time she saw me.
One VERY interesting thing came out at that point when I realized that I actually was doing much better when the affair was going on than now. She thought that was a little strange but when we talked about it, we discovered that it was because I had something concrete to fight AGAINST then. Now I have only something to fight FOR and it's harder for me to focus on that since so much of it is internal.
C said that I need to re-center. She said I am trying WAY too hard to make things happen and really, instead of focusing on what's wrong, I just need to accept that it's already "right". I need to accept that things have and will continue to change and stop forcing the issue.
We talked about how I could talk to W about our "issues" and she suggested that I could wait but if I wanted to talk to her, to use the "sandwich" method of starting with something good, like "W, remember that time a few weeks ago when we held each other and you said you missed me? That was really nice". Then move on to the meat of the issue. "I would really like to do more of that. Do you still miss me, and do you want more from our relationship than what we have now? If so, what are you doing to get to that?" Then close with something else "good". "I really like where we are now. I like our growing closeness and appreciate you for all you've done."
She said to move away from "I" statements because I told her that W has been throwing those back in my face "Oh, see, it's always about what YOU want". C said that's just how W is processing things right now and that maybe I need to approach things from more of a questioning angle. Ask her how SHE feels and what SHE wants. C feels she may respond better to that.
Like I said, C said that mainly she thinks I just need to calm down, re-learn to let go of my expectations and allow my relationship to grow naturally without all my pushing.
I asked her "What if it's a test though. What if W WANTS me to push and if I don't, she'll think the R is as bad as she thought it was, devoid of passion, etc." C said, actually interrupting me half way through that, "Who cares what she thinks. EVERYTHING is a test of some sort, but as long as you keep basing everything you do on what she thinks, you will not make progress."
So, my plan, as outlined by C and I is that I redouble my efforts to let go of these building expectations. I once again learn to live from my "center", or in the moment and stop building "constructs" of every future event and being disappointed by their not working out the way I envision.
In terms of the intimacy, she said to continue to grow in my OWN confront with intimacy and learn to express that SERIOUSLY (I told C that I thought my habit of being funny and not really ever being serious was an issue). She said to start taking myself, and my "passion" more seriously and stop using humor as a defense mechanism. She said that it's likely what W is missing from me and what she needs to see in some way before she "feels" like going to the next level. This was C's answer to my question of "How do you express passion in a relationship devoid of it on the other side?" C said you do that by learning to express it without needing it reflected back to you. I found this to be very much the same message of PM, although she claimed to not have ever read, or even heard of the book.
So, it was a really good session. I think I managed to get refocused and ready to go forward without trying so hard. I am ready to ease back a bit and see what happens. I believe that no matter what it will do to my sitch, it will do wonders for me as a person.
