Well the easiest way for me to deal with the fear of rejection is to face it head on. In other words, I try to play out what the worst possible thing that could happen to me is if it doesn't go as I planned. That has the side benefit of allowing me to see if what I want to bring up, find out about, etc... is really worth it. Sometime thinking about rejection is worse than what the actual rejection is.
"Our life is what our thoughts make it."
Marcus Aurelius
Quote: Sometime thinking about rejection is worse than what the actual rejection is.
ALL the time it is for me. I am also afraid of spiders...sorta. I am actually afraid of the WEB more than the spider. It's because if I am in the web, I know the spider MAY be on me and MAY bite me. Once I see the spider, I'm actually ok.
SO, I am more afraid of the situation as I am leading up to it, but once I manage to get past THAT fear, the actual situation is pretty free of fear. It's taking that first step that really sucks.
I think most people fear rejection. And I will be the first to admit that I do not react well when my H rejects me.
But this is the thing about rejection/failure--people who are more successful are that way not because they are so much better than everyone else. They're successful because they try that many more times and are unafraid to put themselves at risk of failure.
Quote: But this is the thing about rejection/failure--people who are more successful are that way not because they are so much better than everyone else. They're successful because they try that many more times and are unafraid to put themselves at risk of failure.
I have no real reason to post this, but I thought it may help someone, this time nobody in particular...
Remember, they have to WANT to come back to you.
If your goal is not to heal your wounded pride, not to shield your shattered heart, not to exact vengeance, not to forge ahead without your spouse, then judge your actions towards your spouse with this in mind. Grow your spirit so it will no longer be something dark to be avoided but something light to be looked on with wonder not only by your WAS, but by you as well.
Last night is the night that my W is usually with the OP, and I know she was. No matter how bad I want her to make the right choice she has to make that choice and not me. I just can't seem to get that through my thick head. Sometimes it is so easy to say that I need to GAL, but when I subject myself to the truth and pain it is sooo hard to do what I know needs to be done. I need to control me, and forget about trying to control her. Easier said than done, but I'm trying.
"Our life is what our thoughts make it."
Marcus Aurelius
Welp, finally got back to see my C yesterday and after a brief catch up (last time I saw her, the A was still in full swing) we spent the session mainly discussing my desire for more intimacy in our R and my growing anxiety. She reminded me that I had been doing well with controlling my anxiety last time she saw me.
One VERY interesting thing came out at that point when I realized that I actually was doing much better when the affair was going on than now. She thought that was a little strange but when we talked about it, we discovered that it was because I had something concrete to fight AGAINST then. Now I have only something to fight FOR and it's harder for me to focus on that since so much of it is internal.
C said that I need to re-center. She said I am trying WAY too hard to make things happen and really, instead of focusing on what's wrong, I just need to accept that it's already "right". I need to accept that things have and will continue to change and stop forcing the issue.
We talked about how I could talk to W about our "issues" and she suggested that I could wait but if I wanted to talk to her, to use the "sandwich" method of starting with something good, like "W, remember that time a few weeks ago when we held each other and you said you missed me? That was really nice". Then move on to the meat of the issue. "I would really like to do more of that. Do you still miss me, and do you want more from our relationship than what we have now? If so, what are you doing to get to that?" Then close with something else "good". "I really like where we are now. I like our growing closeness and appreciate you for all you've done."
She said to move away from "I" statements because I told her that W has been throwing those back in my face "Oh, see, it's always about what YOU want". C said that's just how W is processing things right now and that maybe I need to approach things from more of a questioning angle. Ask her how SHE feels and what SHE wants. C feels she may respond better to that.
Like I said, C said that mainly she thinks I just need to calm down, re-learn to let go of my expectations and allow my relationship to grow naturally without all my pushing.
I asked her "What if it's a test though. What if W WANTS me to push and if I don't, she'll think the R is as bad as she thought it was, devoid of passion, etc." C said, actually interrupting me half way through that, "Who cares what she thinks. EVERYTHING is a test of some sort, but as long as you keep basing everything you do on what she thinks, you will not make progress."
So, my plan, as outlined by C and I is that I redouble my efforts to let go of these building expectations. I once again learn to live from my "center", or in the moment and stop building "constructs" of every future event and being disappointed by their not working out the way I envision.
In terms of the intimacy, she said to continue to grow in my OWN confront with intimacy and learn to express that SERIOUSLY (I told C that I thought my habit of being funny and not really ever being serious was an issue). She said to start taking myself, and my "passion" more seriously and stop using humor as a defense mechanism. She said that it's likely what W is missing from me and what she needs to see in some way before she "feels" like going to the next level. This was C's answer to my question of "How do you express passion in a relationship devoid of it on the other side?" C said you do that by learning to express it without needing it reflected back to you. I found this to be very much the same message of PM, although she claimed to not have ever read, or even heard of the book.
So, it was a really good session. I think I managed to get refocused and ready to go forward without trying so hard. I am ready to ease back a bit and see what happens. I believe that no matter what it will do to my sitch, it will do wonders for me as a person.
Quote: Sometimes it is so easy to say that I need to GAL, but when I subject myself to the truth and pain it is sooo hard to do what I know needs to be done. I need to control me, and forget about trying to control her. Easier said than done, but I'm trying.
I know it's hard. I really do. It's still very hard for me almost 7 months in. The bottom line is that YES, there are some things you COULD do to control the situation a bit, if your goal is soley to end the affair. You COULD expose the affair to everyone in your lives, recruit the help of family, friends, clergy, etc, to put pressure on her to stop the cheating, but then what? Ok, so she stops cheating but for too many of us, that would be the end, at least as far as we're concerned. "Honey, I'm glad you've come to your senses, not let's rejoin our regularly scheduled program already in progress..." They jump right back into the "old" marriage without considering much else that was wrong with it other than that evil affair. That ending is usually filled with resentment from BOTH parties as well and a limited outlook towards the future because really, none of the underlying issues were ever addressed.
It's REALLY hard to let go of the "What she is doing is evil and I need to make her stop so she can get back to the good that is our marriage" thoughts and move yourself more towards the more open, honest thinking that "I really need to look at my marriage and see what I didn't like, what I could have done better, and how I can be a better man for everyone's sake, recognized or not."
They jump right back into the "old" marriage without considering much else that was wrong with it other than that evil affair.
That is exactly what I don't want to happen. I want her to be able to see what she has done prior to A that was hurting our M. Without that there is not much hope in continuing on.
Quote:
"I really need to look at my marriage and see what I didn't like, what I could have done better, and how I can be a better man for everyone's sake, recognized or not."
I already see many of the things I have done to contribute to our trouble M. It is kind of hard to discover these though when she is more concerned with OP and A. I also know what she has done to hurt our M pre A. That is the reason I want the A over is so that we can go forward together and work on those issues.
"Our life is what our thoughts make it."
Marcus Aurelius
GH, thanks for posting comments about your C session. I find a lot of what was said very interesting. I'm not sure if what was said is right or wrong, but it is really nice to see things from a different perspective. I always like GOOD eye opening moments.
"Our life is what our thoughts make it."
Marcus Aurelius
