Wednesday

A couple things from yesterday to post about. First was that I had a POUNDING headache last night. It came on as I drove home from work and got worse. Usually I take S6 to karate and after lying down for a few minutes (w was on the couch too) I got up to do that. Since the grocery store is right in the same shopping center, whoever takes or picks him up usually goes to the store too.

M: Hey, I'm going to take S6 to karate. What do we need at the store?
W: I'll go later.
M: I'm going to be right there.
W: Ok, fine, if you really want to go.
M: (getting agitated because of my headache...or something else, who knows) I'm not jumping for joy over going, it just seems silly for you to go back out since I am going to be there anyway.
W: Fine.
M: Ok, so we need xxxxx, xxxx and what else. Do we need any paper towels?
W: WELL, we don't have any so...(in a short tone).
M: Look, I told you I had a bad headache and I am in a kinda bad mood because of it. If you are going to be that way with me, I should just go. I'm not in the mood.
W: Lots of people have headaches...
M: Wow, ok. Sorry. I'll be back later.

I don't know if I was being an ass, or just direct. I know I don't usually just come out and say how I feel like that, so maybe it's a good thing.

That blew over and then later, W was still in a foul mood. She had not said much to me ever since I got home and just kept to herself. As we were putting S3 in bed (a problem these days...unrelated to everything else) he needed his nails clipped. First, I asked W where the clippers were and she snapped "in the drawer". I responded with a perfectly logical (IMHO) "upstairs or down?" She replied in a sarcastic tone "WHAT drawer upstairs" as if there were none. Anyway, I found them and went back to S3's room where W was on the bed, he was on the floor, and handed the clippers to her. She always clips their nails. It's never been an issue so far as I know. So, she just laid there, S3 was whining about not wanting to go to bed. Finally Itook the clippers from her and started to do it myself. She said...

W: Wow, you're just going to snatch them out of my hand like a 2 year old? I was going to do it.
M: I'm sorry. I guess I am just mirroring your mood. I am tired and still have my headache (took lots-o-meds but to no avail). I'll finish it and then he can go to bed.

She proceeded to be pissy with me and the kids. I lay down with them for awhile and when I came out of their room (they are sleeping together now and then) I decided to try REALLY hard to get over whatever was causing MY mood, i.e. detach from any negative vibes from her, and it worked. I got some work done and when we sat together to watch TV (her request, which was STRANGE as hell because she usually doesn't suggest such things) she asked me to rub her back and told me she had a long day too and was just feeling tired. The rest of the night was ok I guess, but I can admit that I spent most of the evening angry and took it out on her.

I am having a lot of those "entitlement" feelings lately, like I am entitled to have intimacy and a renewed relationship with W. I am getting impatient once again and failing to understand that progress HAS been made and that I need to focus on that and not so much what's left to do.

I am tired. I know that's part of it. I am trying to give myself a break. Posting here does not bring me down like it does some of you so I will probably keep that up, but in real life, I may pull back a bit.

I finally have my C session tomorrow so I'll post more about that soon. Also, thinking of taking Karate with S6. I practiced long ago and would not have to pay so why not. Add that to my coaching career (second practice with S6's team tonight) and I am filling up the calendar pretty nicely.

GH


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