I have a pretty good idea of how much your H hurt himself.
I’ve been through it too. And as I struggled with that, my W was in the strange place of dealing with the hurt I inflicted on her whilst trying not to inflict hurt on me.
She felt obliged to tell me about all of my faults and past sins. She told me that she didn’t resent my behavior, but that I must know the things I did, and that they had consequences.
Sounds to me like you’re in the same quandary.
Sounds to me like your H has had his nose rubbed in it the same way I have, and despite your good intentions, he is perhaps too acutely aware of the consequences of his actions.
You know I haven’t and never will cheat on my W. My sins were sins of pure ignorance, so my guilt is certainly not as intense as your H’s. But not a day goes by that I don’t kick myself over my insensitivity.
So you see, Matilda. It’s not so hard for me to put myself in your H’s head.
So… What could my W do to help me get over it?
She could make an effort to make me feel special. That I’m more than just a breadwinner and father to her children. She could empathize with the things that hurt me instead of telling me that they’re the consequences of my own actions.
If she started doing these things tomorrow, it would still take a long time for the pain to go away. In the same way that DBing takes a long time to sink in for our spouses, it would take a long time for me to believe that her true feelings about me have changed.
You say that so far, time doesn’t seem to be doing your H much good. But, it is Matilda. As long as you continue to decrease the intensity and frequency of the “talks”, it’s going to help.
But there’s absolutely no way he can forgive himself until you forgive him.
