Ok, Muddle said something that got to me. He said that we spend too much time focusing on problems...well, I want to do that one last time for today and then move on to happy-land...
So Muddle, and others, got me thinking about what I REALLY know about my W's state of mind, actions and feelings throughout our marriage. So here goes, a bit of a timeline of my W's feelings as I know them...Let's see what I find out in this exercise...
-From day one W has said she does not believe a woman should be the one to initiate intimacy or sex (which led to tension because I don't believe men should do it all the time). -She never really liked the fact that I was not a social creature. She LOVED groups of people, I hated them. -Later in our marriage, she would gripe that I was not as "cool" as I once was when I was a fashion photographer and that I had lost some of my edge. Early on it was a different story as her increasing jealousy (lots of model friends in those days) basically forced me to make a decision between that lifestyle and her. I did, and never looked back...I guess she did. -W has said on more than one occasion (always when she's had a bit too much to drink) and over the past, say, 6 years or so, that we're really good friends but NOT good lovers. -Increasingly she didn't want to do much out of the house. She said it was better to stay in. I attributed that to my bad moods when we would go out. -She threw herself into motherhood but then would complain about being stuck at home. She refused to used child care but hated being a full time mom sometimes. Often I would somehow get the blame for this...or did I just FEEL blamed for it? -W has always had a body image problem, and no matter what I say, how I compliment her, she never accepts it. She ALWAYS rejects my attempts to tell her how beautiful and sexy she is. -She often would reject me in sexual situations and after awhile I just stopped trying as hard. -Intimacy died between us VERY early on outside the bedroom. We hardly, if ever kissed beyond the first year or two of marriage, and even in the bedroom, long periods of time would pass between kissing. -She always said I was defensive and over the years said she just stopped talking to me about "serious" things like how she felt or our R because when she did, I'd just get angry and it would turn into a fight. -She felt I was always too angry with the kids. She said it got to the point where she didn't even want to go out as a family because she knew I'd end up yelling and embarassing her in public.
Those were ALL things that were BIG issues at some, or ALL points in our marriage. Those ALL, at one point or another were subjects of a fight or seven, and I would suspect that they were also things she TRIED to talk to me about but I had NO clue how to listen.
When I read that, I wonder how we made it as far as we did. I can see that while I am not to blame for all that in ANY way, I was part of the problem in most of the things I see as "issues" that she had.
I don't really know why I decided to post this, and even so, it's woefully incomplete, but I think I just wanted to renew my perspective on things as lately I have become increasingly obsessed with my "right" to be happy, and be happy NOW. Impatience is the killer of many a sitch and I suppose I just wanted to remind myself that it's VERY likely that my W suffered through MANY YEARS of discomfort and unhappy nights before realizing that she needed to DO something about it. I want to DO something about it too, but I want that something to save my marriage, not destroy it.
GH
P.S. I do actually have some journaling to do but...
