You have no idea how much H hurt himself. I don't think the descriptions I've given here can fully communicate just how much damage he's caused himself. He feels totally defeated and worthless as a man. The other night I told him how ironic it was that for a few moments of "feeling good about himself" cuz of the things the OW would tell him, he has spent almost a year and a half (started feeling this way a long time before he told me) feeling like dirt.
I find myself still in that strange place of trying to heal both of us. Kinda makes me mad sometimes, cuz I really need him to do more to help me heal. But I am realizing more and more that he just isn't capable of that right now.
I'm trying to formulate a plan at this very moment that will help H recover. So far I've tried explaining to him that I don't think he's "that kind of man", and that is why he's feeling so horrible. When you go against your true self, against what you know you should do and really deep down want to do, you will end up paying. That's what's happening to him. He went against who he really is by entering into the A and it's eating him up. To me, that's a good sign. He can't stand that he's hurt me so badly, and that's a good sign (maybe no so selfish after all). I've tried to let him know that he did some really rotten "things", but those mistakes do not make the man.
The other night he says he feels like a fraud cuz nobody knows the "real" him (which is when I went into above speel). I told him that I do know the "real" him and I also know the mistakes he's made, and I love him anyway. He doesn't understand how I can stand the sight of him and why I'd want to stay with him (although says he's very grateful that I do). I told him when I said "for better or for worse" I meant it, and that since I've made it through the "worse" part I'm darned well gonna stick around the the "better" part. Made him laugh.
Anyway, other than those things and trying (yes, I am really trying) to keep the "talks" low-key and fewer and fewer, I'd appreciate any suggestions you or anyone else out there might have for me. Andy, being a guy, maybe you could try to put yourself in my H's head and give me some suggestions. Of course, you're two different people, but any perspective from a guy's point of view would be very helpful. H says it just take time. So far time doesn't seem to be doing him too much good.
