Well, another weekend in the books. Not much to report. We spent most of the weekend cleaning the garage. Normally that's a stressful kind of thing for us to do together in the best of times, but it was fine.
As for the intimacy front, well, I stepped up the campaign. I have been reading more of PM (Passionate Marriage) and am starting to get this idea of "self-validation" when it comes to being a sexual being. I decided late last week that I am going to try REALLY hard to set aside my fear of rejection by her and at least start TALKING the same game I think I've been walking. I know that's a bit backwards, but in this one respect, or at least in terms of our sex life, W has always appreciated me being vocal about things so...
At various points in the day on Friday, I turned up the charm. At one point we got on the subject of burning candles (our "bat-signal" for sex in the past) and I said I was going to do that tonight "Friday". She kinda smiled but otherwise didn't react. Normally I would have probably taken that as rejection (W used to be pretty forward in reacting to anything that seemed like me suggesting we ML) but instead decided to add a little humor into the sitch by saying "Yea, it's probably going to end up like that scene in the Davinci Code with the naked guy and all the candles. The police will have a tough time figuring out what happened here after I fall asleep with 35 tea-light-candles burning the house down." She laughed VERY hard at this. It may sound like that self-depricating humor she doesn't like, but I didn't mean it that way, and I think I have been acting confident enough lately that she didn't take it that way. She would not have laughed that much, and that naturally if she thought I was anything but confident.
So, despite the humor, I DID light the candles (not that many mind you) and DID fall asleep before she came to bed. I won't assume she came to bed late on purpose, but whatever the case, nothing happened.
Saturday rolled around and I stayed positive about all things "sitch". I ended up making light of the sitch some more. This is a 180 for me because I usually don't take ANY kind of rejection very well and if I do make light of it, it's in the form of sarcastic comments. These were NOT that. I really was just trying to add some "lightness" to a subject that seems to be VERY heavy for both of us. I figured that since talking about it had not worked, nor had ignoring it, I would try something new.
Sometime in the afternoon, I did manage to get slightly serious when she asked me to rub/itch her back. I started and then asked/stated "Don't you want any more than back rubbing? I do." She didn't reply.
That night, no candles from me but I doubt it would matter. She was almost asleep before her head hit the pillow. LONG day, and yesterday was worse, this time it was me who was asleep right away.
I DO feel progress is being made. I am starting to "find" myself and be a LOT more comfortable with what I want and need from our relationship and as I get more comfortable with that, I am able to take more "risks" in terms of just expressing myself and letting the chips fall where they may.
This idea that she will be attracted by a confident "differentiated" man is starting to make sense to me. Those are things that are VERY hard for me to SEEM, even though I think I AM to a certain extent confident. I think she's noticing that I am not nearly as "passive" as I used to be. I don't want to come across as demanding by then again, I do want to come across as what I am; someone who has needs and desires of his own and is not afraid to express those things.
We'll see how the week goes. After all this, and judging her reaction to all the "openness" and my comfort with myself (there were a lot of things I did not post about, but suffice to say that she KNOWS something is changing with me) , there is still a barrier that probably doesn't have as much to do with me, or her feelings towards me (i.e. not being attracted to me) as it does what happened with OM, her possible guilt about that or something else I have no idea about.
What I can say, and I'm not too sure how I feel about this, is that we're back where we were a year and a half ago, when W said things slid down-hill. I think that's a good thing because it's 100% better than where we were 5 months ago and this time, I KNOW what NOT to do and am working very hard on what TO do to spark things once again.
I may have said I was afraid to "break" things because everything was "ok" these days, well, I figured out that I am not afraid. I will do what I have to do to make sure we don't end up in the same place again. Either that, or we don't end up anywhere. That said, I am pretty sure we WILL end up "somewhere" better than where we've ever been before as long as I can keep growing, taking risks and giving this time.
