Wow, this is EXACTLY how my W expresses her feelings on the subject. The sad part is that the things she says COULD be either the denial of a true alcoholic OR the honest truth...or somewhere between.
My W grew up in London and all through her late teen years, and into her twenties, all her friends were European of some sort. Having hung around with her and her friends in college, I can say that they ALL, every last one of them, drink like my W, which is to have a few glasses of wine every night, starting with dinner and maybe one or two later on in the evening. She has ALWAYS said that having her wine is no big deal and it's just how she "grew" up. She say's it's cultural (which I have been vicariously blasted for) but in terms of the friends she has had since I have known her, there is SOMETHING to be said for all of them doing the same thing, and all of their friends who come to visit from France, Germany, etc, doing the same. So, are they ALL alcoholics, or is there something fundamentally different about their more casual approach to alcohol, meaning that I rarely EVER saw any of them drink to excess or get drunk, that lends some credence to my W's argument. Oh, and I do know that getting drunk or not does not in any way define alcoholism, the only point I am referring to is the genisis of her drinking, and subsequent continuance may be more due to culture and simply having it woven into the fabric of daily life than a craving, addiction or need...or a little of each.
Anyway, I got off on a tangent that will probably spark more debate than I'd care for on the subject (because I know anyone who went to college here, in the good ole' USA, could claim that downing a keg in one night is cultural too...lol). I suppose ignorance in this case, or really having seen SO much of the opposite, aforementioned "keg" drinking in MY youth, with the drinkers drinking for one purpose, and one purpose only, to get drunk as hell, is allowing me to be a bit on the fence about the whole thing. Somehow I AM saying that what I see her and her friends do is much more palatable, if not better, but what do I know.
My point was that my W takes that same "you're acting like my father" tact with me and I think that has been a LARGE part of some of our intimacy issues, because I DO act more like her father than a lover...honestly, MUCH more like that in the past...hopefully, not so much now.
Someone recently said to me that W probably felt like a sexy, independent, powerful woman with OM and then somehow related that back to how she may be feeling with us. Somehow, I think W feels much more like my sister or daughter than anything else because of my approach with her in the past, starting maybe with the drinking and permeating a lot of other aspects of our lives. I think MY understanding that is good AND bad. It's good because I can work to fix it. It's bad because I think about it constantly and when there are moments where a lover would do xxx (lol), I balk. I seize up, thoughts of feeling somehow like something other than her lover...confirming just what she doesn't like about me...damn vicious circle.
Leap of faith, eh, OT? Just read about that...getting there.
