Man, your post really brought back some horrid memories of events which catapulted my marital downward spiral. This is where we have some significant similarities.
Before I proceed, I'm with OT on the part about noticing changes. DON'T! I did that, and it made Mr. W. even more angry... any verbal sharing about her drinking is going to be misconstrued as "all about you" and issues of control.
I've got a few years of this under my belt, so you can take what you want and leave the rest. Mr. W. shared with me what he learned in his DUI classes and subsequent C session with the shrink instructor. And even though the message was sobering, he wasn't quite ready to hear the message.
He told me that she was probably right in just about every accusation she leveled against him... right down to the borderline status of alcoholism. You see, he's not physically addicted to alcohol--but it's his preference in self medication as well. That makes them doubly dangerous, because they choose to see alcoholics as physically needing the fix where they can just walk away. Literally, they can without too much physical discomfort... but after a few months of cleansing, the real reasons they prefer to medicate bombard them.
Three months after he was nailed for DUI, he moved out--and he had been sober from the moment he landed in jail. His exit was memorable and very painful, and 3.5 years later, he says that he cannot remember anything about it. Yes, I said *anything*. Right down to the reason why he felt he had to leave.
GH, our MC began to address this with him when he decided to quit that too. Our MC told me later that Mr. W. was very scared of the psychological issues that faced him, and the thought of doing the hard work without a medicinal crutch was very painful. THEN there was the fact that this was one area of our marriage where we had big, big issues. It probably won't come as any surprise to you, but he felt that my commenting on HIS choices was a control issue for me.
No matter how concerned I was or how I expressed that concern, it made him very, VERY angry that I kept tabs on him. And while those of us who need to do intervention with addicted personalities walk a very fine line, there comes a point where *you* have to make a decision to love the person but not their behavior or walk away to keep yourself emotionally safe and sane.
GH, do you have a means of seeking out a good Al-Anon group? Have you ever attended it? If not, I highly recommend it. You've said you don't drink and you don't understand this dynamic. Al-Anon would be very helpful in seeing how your reactions might bring out the worst in her as well... Be very careful when choosing a group, because I found many of them to be whine fests and not very empowering. I finally found one where people held me accountable for my own choices and for expressing my feelings openly and honestly without projecting...
i.e., "If only he'd change, I'd be happier..."
But I attended Al-Anon for my brother, long before I met Mr. W. I certainly could have chosen to employ the basics during our marriage, but I felt that he might listen to me more than my brother did. What was I thinking? That their issues were about me loving them and not their own issues?
Now... if you're asking for advice, this is what I would recommend to you. Leave her be and work on your own stuff. If she really wants to deal with her crap once and for all, she'll get busy. It's frightening to them, and I wouldn't doubt one bit that her issues are what are clouding her ability to make your M work. I know that this very much affected my own M for the same reasons. I sometimes see some tentative steps taken by my XH, and he verbalizes some of the stuff that he figures out. But he's scared and the emotional aftermath is often much more than he can take.
What I do for him now is to listen to him when he wants to talk, and I pray for him. I pray for God to give him the courage to face his demons so that he can live a happy and productive life and that he can be healthy enough to live to see his daughters grow up.
Until she sees medication as a choice, nothing you say will convince her otherwise. She has to want to be convinced, and that job is completely hers to undertake. Leave her be, and work on you and being the best GH you can possibly be. If she chooses not to deal with the issues that bother her, you have choices too.
Don't be surprised if she doesn't go into a very angry period now. Mr. W's lasted for quite some time...
Good luck and lots of hugs,
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Betsey 
