Wow, it's been a LONG time since I just journaled. I don't really have any specific crisis or issues, just a state of the union as it where. First a tiny bit of news...
On Friday night W and I had just put the kids to bed and W was working on something on her computer. She was asking me questions about how to find certain things and I asked her "what for". She said it was for XXX, YYY's wife. Ok, so then I asked "who's XXX?" She said OM's brother, the one who took our couch and "helped" W get away from OM. She said she was still friends with this woman and was helping her find a job since she had no computer and no Internet after they moved. Ok, I said, and helped her. This truly didn't bother me but I suppose it did make me start thinking about OM again...
So, later in the night, she had her cell phone to her ear for a long time, not saying anything. I asked her "what's up" and she said she was listening to a ton of messages, from me and others.
I don't know why, but without thinking too much, I just blurted out "how many are from my 'friend'?". She acted confused..."You know, YYY's brother." Without hesitation, or much reaction to the question, she simply said "None."
W: None M: Oh, when did that change? W: A couple weeks ago. M: So you haven't seen or heard from him since then? W: No. I don't even know if he's in the state. M: Why? Did he have plans to leave? W: Yes, he was moving back home to ZZZ. M: Hmmm, doesn't YYY know where he is? W: Of course, but I don't ask. I don't care anymore.
That was about it, but an interesting convo. It was more her really believable tone of indifference that was interesting to me as much as anything. It DOES seem like she was telling the truth. Who knows...
SO, this Father's Day weekend went ok I guess. All this week I think things have been ok, but there has been this unease in me, really just like there's been for a couple weeks now. I have chalked it up to impatience.
Anyway, W asked me late last week what I wanted for Father's Day and I really didn't have much of an idea other than hot $ex. She smiled politely and really didn't respond. I may have mentioned this desire a couple more times in the week, each time playfully and with a grin, but didn't really beat the horse dead. I suppose if I am honest, I DID allow this to become an expectation that would prove to be problematic later on.
We went to SIL's house for the day Saturday to spend the night and be with family for Father's Day and W knew it was not my first choice of things to do but we had committed to it and we were both going to make the best of it.
To make a long story short, W and her sister/mother ended up squabbling over some things and so we decided to get away for a few hours on Saturday night. That was nice. We just went to the mall, but it was nice, just the two of us. No R talk, just pleasant time shopping (something that I used to be bad at). We actually ended up getting me a lot of clothes as more Father's Day stuff so it was all good.
On Sunday I just hung out with FIL & BIL. We played golf (which I hate) and then ate steak and other BBQ food. I suppose I was building into a bad mood all day and when we were heading home, W noticed. I managed to prevent myself from sliding into a funk over something I considered a stupid reason, i.e. not getting to do what I wanted to on Father's Day. I used to be that way and not I realize how silly and juvenile it is. I DID have a good time, just not the time I would have picked. I left it at that, assured W I was fine and we just drove home.
Later in the night, W tried to accommodate me by agreeing to watch a late movie on DVD. She hates to start watching too late because she falls asleep but she knew I didn't have the best time at her sis's house and I think was feeling bad. I didn't make a big issue of this, just went to blockbuster, got the movie and after only asking once if it was too late, watched it W wife.
In the past, I would have gone on and on about how it was too late and let's not watch it, I can do something else, etc, etc. REALLY passive/aggressive stuff. I started to this time and caught myself. If she said she was willing, then fine, a watchin' we would go!
Oh, but here's the bad "expectation" part. I probably did get in a little funk later in the night because I could tell that W was not going to ML. I KNOW I should not have expected her to but in a rather trite way, Father's Day is one of "those" days in the past where ML was almost a dead lock. Guess not this year. I was sad but not really surprised. Why should I be. I DID get my hopes up too high, but based on what? She never said she would, and really, to be honest, I didn't really try AT ALL.
I suppose that all this time as we have discussed my intimacy issues and such, this date has been in the back of my mind as a kind of "test". I think I am guilty of believing that it would just "happen" last night and even as the night wore on, I started to realize how "old thinking" that idea was. It didn't make me feel much better, but it DID prevent me from going into my good ole' deep funk that W hates...hell, that I hate too!
So, all is still limbo, which is not the end of the world. I am MUCH better than a couple weeks ago when this limbo felt like the worst place in the world to be.
