Thanks. You 4 gave me a LOT to think about. I have had a CRAZY couple of days and it's not over. It's all about my W's case and really nothing about the R. I will post much more tomorrow.
Mama, I especially like what you posted in terms of the "positive" thinking making all the difference. I have believed that for a long time now but struggle at times to practice it. I will redouble my efforts.
Hi GH, Well I have been pretty busy the past few days and had a lot of reading to catch up on your sitch! Wow, what a wonderful discussion has been going on here. The conversations about unconditional positive regard, unconditional love, compassion and understanding (both for our spouses and ourselves) - well that is IT. That's all I can say. I have been as guilty as the next person in falling short at times on this path. But it is my commitment, and I am more grateful than I can say, to see the whole group of us talking about it here. Sometimes I feel that we focus too much on the hard stuff, the negative stuff, the "bad" stuff, on these boards. Yet the only way we are truly going to make the improvements that we all want to see in our lives, is to "call ourselves forth" with a positive view of what's possible and holding that in our hearts and minds. That's really all the "act as if" is, and as Mama mentioned in her post, it is amazing what a difference that can make in turning a day or a relationship around. I have been feeling a little down today about my sitch, and this was just the thread I needed to give me a boost. We all know what to do here - I'm grateful that we're focusing on the positive. It is what will turn the tide, and make the difference. Muddle, Underdog, Always, Mama and others, I'd love it if you would check in on my thread periodically too, and remind me if I forget again.
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
This was from another thread, posted by OneWish, and I have to believe it's got a lot of truth to it...
Quote: A woman never leaves a happy man.
When I look at the decline of my marriage, it has only been since I became this unhappy a-hole that my W actually took ACTION to leave me. Before that, even though all the "issues" were there in our marriage, she was still committed to working on them because on a daily basis, I was relatively happy and easy to be with. I find this statement to be wonderfully empowering, even if it's not altogether true. I guess I would add to it "A woman never leaves a happy AND self-aware man."
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
Hi GH, I used to be happy. I wanna be happy. I believe in happy. And you are right, it is when I got unhappy that my H felt he couldn't do it anymore, and looked for "happy" elsewhere. I think of myself as a basically happy person. But, oh my God, the task is to be happy in the face of this! Now that is a spiritual path to recon with
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
Quote: think of myself as a basically happy person. But, oh my God, the task is to be happy in the face of this! Now that is a spiritual path to recon with
Yea, don't we all know it!
I look at it this way. You know in every group of people, or if it helps to think of movies you've seen, books you've read or TV shows, there is that one person that no matter what is happening, they are happy. Maybe not over-the-top, full of laughter happy, but they are able to reconcile themselves with the worst things going on at the moment and still maintain that center. I think we all strive to be that person, SO self-aware and self-assured that we kinda rise above the daily fray. I think the Buddha talked about this as the path to enlightenment but basically I think that's the path we are all on. We are all here, trying to learn to be that guy, that one guy in the room who sees the problem for what it is, a temporary issue that will NOT overtake our lives or dampen our PMA so long as we maintain those things internally.
And you are right, it is when I got unhappy that my H felt he couldn't do it anymore, and looked for "happy" elsewhere
Think this is soooooo true. I think when we are unhappy, or expressed our unhappiness...our spouse sees and feels that it is their failure to make us HAPPY. Don't think they go all out to find happiness elsewhere...but it is an escape for them. I think in my sitch...things got kinda ugly because I constantly nagged and complained about how unhappy I was, how fed-up I was blah blah blah. And it drove H away. My own diagnosis is that he felt that he was a failure and couldn't do anything right. Couldn't make his wife or children happy (yes, I complained about kids "not knowing" him anymore blah blah blah) and it created a void in him....and here comes ow who listens to him, appreciates him, and is happy with his company... Wham bam...and that is the start of my roller coaster ride. I agree with Grasshopper that we need to be AWARE of what we are doing. THink alot of times, when we are togehter with our partner for long, we tend to lose focus of ourselves, our Rs and we tend to go on auto-pilot, and thus the taking-for-granted comes in. AWARENESS is indeed important!!
Whoa, yoyogirl are you my alter ego? Every single word you just wrote describes my sitch to a T!! I WILL NOT be that nagging, complaining, unhappy wife any longer (even though in the face of an A, this is when I really could be...)
GH, if a woman never leaves a happy man then I guess you could also say that a man never leaves a happy wife!
