Hi GH, I took a day off to center myself and read my new books. UD, Muddle and Always have given you great advice. I'm so glad they have been here for you (I love having UD and Always on my thread and would welcome Muddle too!)
You might benefit from the latest book I have been reading; "How One of you can bring the Two of you Together" by Susan Page - It has really opened my eyes and my way of thinking. I applied alot of what I read to my life yesterday and believe it or not I had a fantastic day.
At the start of this thread, you questioned if alot of your "problems" were really manifested in your head? You just might be onto something. I think alot of mine are in my head also - I tend to get worked up over something I perceive as bad and then create a mountain out of a molehill.
Here a few things I have picked up from the book: * You can be happy together, even if you don't solve all your problems. Focus on your desire for a close relationship. Pay more attention to the parts of your relationship that you like, and to the positive qualities in your partner, than to your areas of dissatisfaction.
If you focus on problems, your life will be filled with problems. The weakest, most dissatisfying parts of your relationship will be receiving all your attention. Of course you will view your marriage as problematic because that is what you are choosing to emphasize.
Focus on what you want from your marriage, paying most attention to the strong parts of it, putting your efforts into creating happiness rather than dimishing unhappiness. The truth is, the happy get happier and the troubled get more troubled because they pour all of their life energy into their troubles.
* "Act as if" you love and adore your spouse. When you arn't happy with your spouse, you may become engages in a downward spiral. Your partner is not doing what you want or is behaving badly. Therefore you feel angry, resentful, and distant and behave accordingly. Your spouse picks up on this and also becomes angry, resentful and distant. The way to interrupt a downward spiral is with new behavior.
*Focus on the positive qualities in yourself, your partner, and your relationship. Put your negative thougthts and feelings on the shelf for a while. Don't talk about them. Talking about them often only escalates them anyway.
*Make an agreement with yourself that for two full weeks, you will not mention anything negative, anything that you see as a problem within your relationship. Especially directly to your spouse, you will make only bright, positive comments. For two weeks put all your problems on a shelf, out of the way. You can always come back to them later.
I "acted as if", which DB also suggests, with everyone yesterday. I had 7 kids here from 8 a.m. till 6 p.m. and I was not the crazy lady I could usually be - we all had so much fun! I treated my H this way also; when I spoke with him on the phone and he stated he was going to go rollerblading after work I didn't treat him like a lying criminal, I took him for his word and lovingly told him to enjoy himself and to take his time coming home since house was overflowing with kids. He came home earlier than I expected and was in such a nice mood - he even called me "Honey Bun", we had a very nice evening together.
GH, for whatever reasons, our spouses do not feel "safe" enough around us to be intimate with us. That's ok. They have every right to their feelings. We still have a lot of work to do on us so lets put all our energy into becoming loving and compassionate people.
