My PMA has been incredibly high yesterday and today. I think everytime H and I have one of the "good" OR talks I feel a little bit more of my resistence to forgiving him fading away. It's especially helpful when he trys to explain to me how this situation has so deeply and adversely affected him. Like I said above, I'm finally believing again that he loves me. Not just because he tells me, but also because of his actions. And it's taken me putting my own pain and anger aside long enough to really hear his pain and see his anguish. He could have run from all this. I've put him through a lot. But he's here, taking it because he has hope that I will forgive him and accept him and be happy with him.
A couple of posts ago I wrote that I was questioning whether I still loved H or not. Last night just before drifting off to sleep, at that point where consciousness is melting into subconsciousness and the sole, one's true self, is allowed to speak without inhibition, I heard, "Yes. I do love him." And I know it is true.
I've thought a lot about what I want to say to H sometime soon. He keeps saying nobody (except me now) knows the "real" him, what a horrible person he is. I want to tell him, as I've come to understand just recently, that the THINGS that he did were horrible, but that is not who HE is. Maybe some part of me believed that until recently. But watching him and listening to him the other night made me realize that the reason he is feeling so wretched is because participating in the A, along with the lies and the deceit that goes along with it, was so very much AGAINST who he really is. When one goes against one's true self, there will be hell to pay in the long run. Who he REALLY is, is a loving, kind, thoughtful man who loves his W and family so very much. And when he lives up to those things, he is happy and all is right with the world. He made some very bad mistakes and used very poor judgement. He did things that went against his true self, the REAL him, and he's paying dearly for it.
So, all that being said, had a little bump in the road of PMA today. H had to leave at the crack of dawn to drive down south for a meeting. Learned last night that a female associate was riding part way down with him. Must have had a look on my face, cuz H said, "No way. Ain't gonna happen. You'll meet &**# someday and know what I mean, but that doesn't even matter. The thought of doing anything like that again makes me sick." Okay, okay. I didn't say anything.
He called me on his drive down and spoke very lovingly to me (obviously not trying to hide anything from his associate). But when he called at noon to say they were still down there (3 hrs away) and were stopping for lunch I could hear my voice go just a tiny bit cold. "Oh, you're still down there, and you're having lunch together?" The cold fist of jealousy had grabbed onto my heart and was squeezing. Man, do I hate that. I haven't had a reason to be jealous in 20 years. I absolutely hate that feeling. And I resent having a reason to feel it. H either didn't notice or didn't want to say anything around other people. He called again from the road about an hour later (could hear her on her phone in the background), chatted a minute, and then ended with "ILY." I felt really silly to have let that incident put a crimp in my PMA. It's over now. PMA is flying high once again.
