GH Saga...it's all in my head?

[Underdog]

Ah.... happy to oblige since I've not logged off yet. Must do, as I realize it's lunch time and I have to work out!

Well, most people I know aren't as fricking analytical as I am (this is good, as there's not enough room for too many of us in one place). I know they make assumptions about my intent as much as I used to do as well.

Example: I've been told countless times in the past 25 years that I ignore people. Yep, that's an assumption, and an erroneous one at that. Mr. Wonderful actually accused me of deliberately tuning him out, as did my D12 last week.

Fortunately for me, she was a lot more willing to listen to my viewpoint and to understand me--though we both made a promise to work on this together.

I grew up in a VERY chaotic family, in a residence that was approximately 1200 sq ft for 5 of us. We were noisy and disrespectful, and my parents had (no, still have) a hankering for bickering. In order to keep my grades up, I learned to tune everything and everyone out. I got to college and it took me 2 years to figure out that I couldn't make straight A's while studying in the library--so I came back to my dorm and settled in with the drinking folk who were screaming and singing. THEN I made straight A's.

Fast forward 25 years. D12 tells me on a walk that she absolutely HATES the fact that I don't pay attention to her. Rather than get defensive (which was my immediate inclination since I've heard this before), I asked her to give me an example. She provided one earlier in the evening, where she told me a story and I wasn't even acknowledging her.

I said, "Ahhhh. Are you even sure you had my attention?"

She thought for a second and said, "I was talking to you!"

I said, "Were you 100% sure you had my attention? Or was I doing something else and you just came in my space and started talking?"

She said, "Oh. Yes, that's what happened! But there was no music or TV, nobody was talking and you weren't on the phone. How could you not have heard me?"

I told her my background and said that the BEST way to make sure I'm listening is to say, "Mom, I need to talk to you about something." If I don't answer, I'm somewhere else. Come tap me and make sure you get me to respond.

I also told her that I had this problem with her dad... and that his patent answer in MC was "I shouldn't have to go to that extent to make sure you're paying attention to me." While I agree that I could have worked on this, he didn't give me the chance to do that. Instead of giving me a chance, he'd walk off and tell himself that I was pissed off at him and ignoring him. I'll let you know how I fare.

Translating to you, do you see how her fear based reaction was something based on assumptions (that I was deliberately ignoring her) rather than communicating with me? It was because of what I was doing (or not doing) that led her to believe something that wasn't true.

It's up to both of us to change the dynamic.

Betsey