GH Saga...it's all in my head?

[Underdog]

Wow, I'm impressed with all the discussions going on over here. Muddle... you managed to elaborate on some most worthwhile points, and I'm glad you jumped into the fray. I'm also glad that GH is so open about this stuff.

One thing before I jump back to my to do list here at work...

Ok, here's one of my stumbling blocks...I don't really ever catch her in anything resembling 'oh my God, how could I have done that.' She may feel that way, but does not express it.

Mr. Compassionate? You there? You will most likely never "catch" her in those moments. Those moments are private and shameful, and even if you're the greatest guy on earth, she's probably not going to keep opening up this wound for others to see.

So definitely assume that little bits and pieces will emerge when she's ready. I personally despise sharing shame once, let alone over a long period of time. Her choices have been very hurtful, and she knows it. Her conscience bothers her, so let her work things out when she's ready and let her do it her way.

Mr. W. has told me quite a few times that he's sincerely sorry for hurting me. I've accepted his apology and demonstrated that acceptance a thousand times over. As far as I'm concerned, this issue is done. But I believe that his ability to forgive himself will take much, much longer. I let him be.

So, I am wondering if my W's not seeing THIS me is because I don't show him to her, or because she truly wouldn't like him. That is interesting for me to think about.

Ah, you hit on something very important. I think you're on to something big here, GH. I know this has been true for me too.

I've also been guilty of projecting. I've made bold statements saying, "I wish my friends wrote me more often." Then I realized that just thinking about my friends didn't make me a correspondent, either. I've been trying--in small spurts--to fire off quick messages to friends and letting them know that I'm thinking of them. Who'd have thought that they'd write me back in great detail?

In order to get what I want, I have to make the effort to give it away without any expectations. Funny how that works!

I'll add one more thing to the list of things that we all want... that is to know that others accept my erring humanity, and the mistakes that I unintentionally make are not deal breakers in our R. I want the chance to be forgiven and to make things right...

So go forth and put your newfound knowledge to use, GH. One little exercise that keeps me on my toes every time is this... when I consider how the other person is doing something I don't like, I ask myself if it might be a fear-based reaction to something I'm doing. I'm often surprised at how often my ambiguity drags people into places they don't want to go with me.

UGH.

Betsey