Good for you - I think it's important that you admit your fear because unless you do so, you'll be fighting to hide it, enabling it, and allowing it to define you. Now you can accept and transcend it. I think one essential point that Michelle makes is that it's often crucial to just act. Damn the potential consequences - just do it, and do something different than you would normally. Accept that you are fearful, and that you might not make the right decision - but acting without overthinking something is far more productive than planning the perfect action and then trying to execute it.
I think you should rethink what you said:
"you are wrong in one assumption here, SHE never committed to anything of the sort, that is changing herself. SHE still doesn't really talk much about that and NEVER said much to the effect. If she is working on that, she is doing it without talking to me at all about it."
How much stronger could she state to you that she is demanding change in her life? She felt pursuit of this feeling important enough to risk ALL that she could have lost (and I have no doubt that she calculated what they were during this process) for it. I know it's misguided (as you state in your post that she isn’t looking to change herself) - looking externally for something that can only be found inside - but the NEED for change is there, and the fact that she went into this proves her dedication to change. She is looking to change something external to her to change the state of her emotions inside. Even though it’s convoluted, she is looking to change herself.
I have no doubt that she's scared now. She's probably even more scared to look inside herself now that she's done what she's done because she's now defined herself as a "bad" person in a lot of ways. She needs to forgive herself - and I think that's the first thing that we all needed to do as LBSs in order to move forward. I think this might be why she somewhat mocks your process - because she's afraid of doing something similar. I think she might also view your "process" as selfishness brought on by self-pity and in reaction to her stimulating you to do so - defensively on her part of course.
I think maybe you need to do your best to give your W a safe place to vent her fears, frustrations, ANGER with you and everything that she is feeling right now. As far as the roles go - you're right in that she has done something wrong – not matter how it is rationalized, it’s wrong - but I think you need to completely forgive her and stop expecting, or feeling entitled to her making this up to you in some way. She can't - this is not a debt that can be paid. You have said yourself that you can't hold her in the R out of obligation - but yet there's some sense of obligation here, some sort of emotional capital gained that just doesn’t exist. You are contributing to your own resentment if you keep up this line of thinking because you don’t want to be married to a bad guy, right? Well, you’re not – you’re married to a woman that you love and respect that has done something bad. Don't, however, discount that HER reality includes the fact that she's been the bad guy. Just don't put her or hold her there - always make sure you see the person, not the role.
Again - just some personal opinions, I hope they can be constructive.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
