I also think that for W to feel your love, SHE needs to open her walls to accept it. This will come from forgiving herself, overcoming guilt, forgetting what she did (flashes/pangs of 'oh my God, how could I have done that.'), and then stop feeling like she alone was the victim in your M and to start looking at how SHE contributed to the demise. After all, your part was 50%.
This takes time, look how long it's taken you. Give her a chance. Maybe it'll go faster for her with your empathy and compassion, as UD states....whereas you gained this growth with her total rejection.
I too loved UD and Muddle's posts. They were wonderful, as I am also at a phase where I struggle with these things. Whatever happens next, I want to be a different person to face it all. It's a LOT of work in reconciling to a good, healthy M, really turning around some seriously unhealthy behaviors, but with both of you on board, you can do it.
I think if you start practicing what UD, muddle and OT state, she will follow suit.
Just remember, everyone, EVERYONE (including YOU), just want to be understood, as humans capable of mistakes, weaknesses and in the end, greatness for love.
