Oh, as the Irish say, Feck it! Here goes the DETAILED reply to your post, UD, it deserves it if any ever did.
Quote: For you specifically, that means you emote honestly as an example to those you love in your life, GH. Make it a mission of the highest order to express yourself honestly AND kindly in all your communications, and let others know that you won't react to information that you know might hurt--and I think you'll find them more than willing to step up to the plate and follow suit.
The few times since all this started, which was a at least one more time than ever before in life, that I DID emote honestly to my W, I have seen the positive results. I KNOW this to be the right way to do things.
Quote: If she's not willing to be honest with you, examine why. Is it because she's involved in activities that are clandestine? Or are you judgmental and she is afraid of being open with you for fear of ridicule? Or do you make it uncomfortable for her to share because you don't agree with how she feels? Each one of the scenarios requires patience and a willingness to be open with yourself. Oh yeah, 100% of the time.
At this point, I don't KNOW if she's being honest, but lets say she's not 100% (just like I'm not...yet) honest with me. I think it COULD be any one of your reasons why not, but likely the later two. I think I CAN make a dent in this by first being open myself and removing MY fear of opening up from the equation.
Quote: Work on changing what is in YOUR heart, GH. That is, try to shed the cloak which gives you the opportunity and desire to see yourself as the victim and her the perp. Or another version? Your position is right and hers wrong.
Actually, UD, that has been the one thing I think I embraced VERY early on that allowed me some of my success. That said, I HAVE slipped back into the "me good, her bad" mode and need to STOP IT. That's what I think is allowing me to suspect all these things about her, because I DO think of her as doing evil and me good. I have always known at the core of me that it was wrong to think that way and for a long time, I did not. At the most critical time, I did not. Now, I need to really work on getting back to that.
Quote: Mr. Wonderful told me that this particular viewpoint--held by me for quite some time--was singlehandedly the most unappealing thought when considering a reconciliation. He intrinsically knew that I felt he was wrong for leaving, that he was off his rocker for believing that walking out was the only way he could feel better, and he also doubted that I would EVER be able to change how I saw things.
I KNOW W feels this way too. She's said so. For the longest time I never understood what she meant by it. Now I do. Now that I understand the value of validation, and even SELF-validation, I get where I went wrong. I really do.
Quote: Nobody wants to be in a R with someone who they feel has or is judging them for how they feel. Nobody.
I know that because I have both judged and been judged and see the harm in both. Yesterday when I expressed my anger and hurt over the mall thing, I was TOTALLY afraid of my W doing what she's always done in the past, get angry at my feelings and go on the defensive/offensive. When she did nothing of the sort (because I didn't tell her my feelings of anger/hurt IN anger, just that I felt that way) I was greatly relieved and then finally understood the power of calm, open communication, free from fear of rejection. You see, I was still afraid of her reaction, and even though her reaction was good, I still learned that I COULD have taken it if she had been different in response. AT LEAST I was being honest and open...and in turn so was she. It was VERY, well, intimate.
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And GH? That enlightenment seemed to bring out the empathy in me. Empathy and compassion are what your W needs from you right now. Cultivate those parts of you that can foster more of that in your R, and just maybe she'll begin to trust you the way you want to be trusted again.
Yes, I think my M does need much more of this, but also more "individual" growth and reclaiming of ourselves.
I want to be trusted again, just as I want to trust HER again. I am still unconvinced she wants my trust, but I will go on, moving forward in my "cultivation" as you say.
Quote: Try to envision the qualities in others that you find encourage you to be truthful with yourself and others. Then tap into them and let them pour forth.
BE love. I can promise you that it will change what is in your heart, and others will gravitate toward you and act like you. No matter what the outcome, you will be a kind and gentle person...
