Dear Me2,

I've sat at my computer now for 20 minutes after reading your post. I don't really even know what to say. The things you've gone through in your life - incredible. Yes, you certainly do know of what I speak -- and probably a hell of a lot more. Thank you so much for sharing that with me. I know how painful it is to bring up those memories again.

I know I have carried my painful past into my marriage, and it did take it's toll. I did work hard for years to make sense of it all and let it go. Now I feel like I'm starting all over again. I know intellectually that I need to leave the past in the past, but emotionally -- at least right now -- I just can't seem to do it. I want SO badly to move forward. Like C said, right now I'm in a "protection" mode. Got to protect myself from being hurt like this again, cuz I can't trust God or man to protect me.

And, Pfroglady, I think (I hope) I'm just in a bad place right now when I say I'm not sure I love H. Deep down I know I do, but I feel it's changed somehow. How can it not? He's a different man in my eyes.

Last night the kids were gone and we were working in the kitchen when H asked how it went at the C. We ended up sitting on the kitchen floor talking for almost 2 hours. I told him all the stuff I wrote about in my post above. Seems like the thing that got him the most was me saying I was thinking about going away for awhile. He kept calm, but from his body language and his questions, I think he was starting to panic. I told him they were just thoughts right now. After all, how could I go anywhere? The boys still need me (H agreed readily). I have way too many responsiblities to just up and leave, and I'm just not the kind of person to abandon those responsiblities.

Without any prodding from me, he really opened up about what he goes through daily. How he can't escape what he's done. Told me he cried all the way home from work the other day. He just doesn't know how to fix this. H is a real fixer -- and I mean he can fix ANYTHING. He's just one of those guys that "knows" how things work. He can't fix this. And what makes it 1000 x's worse is he caused it -- that just blows him away.

At different points in the evening we put ourselves in each other's place to try and understand what the other was feeling, and then explained those feelings to the other to see if we were getting it right. It was a very interesting experiment. For the first time I can really understand why H would rather be in my shoes -- how difficult it really is for him to face me every day. I think he really understands the depth of my pain, and the struggle I am going through to put it behind me.

What I also discovered was that H must really love me deeply! I wasn't sure of that for a long time -- understandably. But when I realize what it takes for him to come home every night and face his "humilation and shame" square in the face; to see the sadness and hurt on my face (not all the time. Most of the time I try to put on a smile. H doesn't believe those smiles, though!) knowing he's caused that pain; to continue to answer my questions, no matter how painful it is, I have to acknowledge that he does truely love and care for me. If he didn't he wouldn't put himself through that. If he didn't he would have taken the easy way out - he would have run from it, not faced it. Like I've said in previous posts, when I'm thinking rationally, I actually admire him for sticking it out. And I'm finally beginning to understand just how much I matter to him.

Another really interesting thing we talked about was on the subject of why he told me about the A. I asked H if he was sorry now that he had told me. "Yes." See, before he told me about the A, HE was feeling bad about what he had done. He felt like he was living a lie. He wanted to make sure he never did those things again and telling me would assure that somehow. He thought HE'D feel better if it was all out in the open. He thought I'd throw him out, things would be miserable for a couple months, but then we'd get back together and it would all be behind us! He never thought about how it would crush me. He admits that. I guess that was the problem all along. It's always about how he feels.

He's been truely stunned by my reaction (WTF?). I didn't throw him out. Didn't yell, scream, throw things (did yell once or twice - did sock him in the arm twice and slap him a good one once [Eek!] ) I think the depth of my hurt really knocked the socks off him. I think the fact that he lost my trust - which he once cherished so highly -- lost some respect, were all things that he really hadn't thought about, not only when he decided to tell me, but when he decided to have an A. As a result of all that -- HE FEELS EVEN WORSE NOW THAN HE DID BEFORE HE TOLD ME!

Well, there was a lot said that I can't really put into words, but it was a very enlightening evening. We ended the conversation when son came home. I really wasn't ready for it to be over, but after son went to bed I didn't bring it up again. Enough for one night. I think H was waiting for me to talk some more (dreading it). I know it surprised him that I let it drop.

We ended the conversation with a hug and a kiss. One of the last things I said to H before falling asleep was that I feel we're wasting time with every minute we're unhappy. Who knows how much time we have left on this earth. I don't want something to happen to either one of us while we're in this state. We need to fix this and get back to being happy and joyful. We fell asleep last night holding hands.

A lot of the mantra on this board is take things slowly, time is on your side. I certainly agree with that in one respect. But in another respect, like I said above, who knows how much time we really have. Do we want to waste it with ugliness and unhappiness? Is that the last thing you want to remember about your R if something were to happen to H, or visa versa?

Well, I think I just talked myself into a better PMA today. [Big Grin]

Thanks again, Me2, for sharing your exerpiences with me. You've given me good advice about letting the past stay in the past. I'll just reverse it and give you the same advice [Wink] . And, yes, we both know that's way easier said that done. Maybe we can be each others cheerleader.

Pfroglady, I always love hearing from you. Like I said, you're a great role model on forgiveness. My C said yesterday that forgiveness is the greatest act of love you can perform. I hope your H really, really understands how lucky he is. I hope someday to be able to follow your example. I am trying. I really am.

Love to all,

Matilda