I think you are RIGHT on with a LOT of what you say. Thank you.
Quote: Forgive me if I'm off base here, but it seems to me that you are backsliding by giving in to your fear.
I re-read my post and I can see where it looks like that now. Hell, it may very well BE that I am giving into fear, but I don't think so. My experience with being direct with my W yesterday showed me how I can be MUCH different and not afraid of expressing myself. I am NOT afraid of anything more than being my old, controlling, P/A self.
Quote: You call the situation "perfection" - clearly it is not perfect to you - rather it seems like all your energy is going to maintaining peace and security (the one part of your M that wasn't poked full of holes by the A - your family life). This may be necessary now, but be very sure that you don't give your W the impression that this is what you want out of your M.
My W is under NO impression that I want this to be the permanent state of our marriage. I have reminded her of that fact, and DONE things to affect change from the status quo. Right now, much like Deejay, I am just feeling some things, and thinking some things that derail me sometimes. I am committed to a NEW relationship with my W, and yes, today, there may be a bit of "maintaining" the peace going on, but less and less as each day passes. If I have taken nothing from OT's comments to me (and I have taken MUCH more), it's that I cannot continue to manage my W's emotional life, or really any other part of it. I have to let go of that, and each day I am working towards that. I know some day I will have to "just do it" because it's not really a "working on it" kinda thing...but I'm working on it, lol.
Quote: I liken your situation to a broken bone - you have survived the pain and the break is starting to heal, however, a broken bone seldom heals properly if not cared for. Sometimes you have to re-break the bone to set it properly otherwise the bone will cause all sorts of problems in the future. Not a pleasant thought, causing the bone to break again.
No, not a pleasant thought, but as I said, I am not so much afraid of breaking it again as doing it unnecessarily. I do agree though, fear should not be the main, or even a strong secondary motivation.
Quote: You owe it to both yourself and your W to get this out in the open. You both have embarked on a journey in self exploration as a result of this trauma - neither one of you can go back to life as it was before. You both committed to changing yourselves. Both of you need to heal - regardless of whether you do it apart or together.
Yes, I DO owe it to her to be open but you are wrong in one assumption here, SHE never committed to anything of the sort, that is changing herself. SHE still doesn't really talk much about that and NEVER said much to the effect. If she is working on that, she is doing it without talking to me at all about it.
I am hoping some day she decides to put more effort in that area, but for now, I am going to keep working on myself.
Quote: I think that's something that was said by another poster fairly recently: WE get to see this side of you that your wife doesn't. This process is something that she should be a part of.
You're right, she doesn't see this side of me, but she doesn't want to either. Whenever I bring up my "process", she kinda mentally rolls her eyes. She doesn't think I should keep seeing my C and doesn't get why I still read so much, post, etc. She is NOT supportive of my "process" but IS supportive of my changes. Does that make sense?
So, yes, someday soon, I hope she does get to see the person you all see. Actually, I think she already does, but she needs to see more.
Quote: I know, on some level you're worried about the whole checking-in, codependency thing again, but I think you know to be aware of it now - but this shouldn't preclude real intimacy and fostering of this all important bond. I think another thing that would be useful to you is direct communication of your needs and desires. This assertiveness may be just what it takes to win your wife over. You're telling her that you're aware of your worth and you deserve great things out of your relationship (this is the same lesson she just learned in her A, BTW). This is something that you can wholeheartedly relate on.
This is a POWERFUL affirmation of what I am discovering about the power of being direct and honest versus P/A. I KNOW this is something I need to do 100% in my life now, and will work VERY hard to do it. Thanks for this especially!
Quote: I often wonder when I read your journal: "Where's his communication with his wife?" I feel that you often hold your tongue and end up working off of your assumptions of where she is rather than directly addressing things. Again, forgive me if I'm off base, but I think that in order to be two whole individuals in a relationship, you need to openly communicate about where you are and where you are going, even if it's a goal that's a week away. Negotiate. Bravely face your fears both individually and together - because if you don't, you are again letting them control you. And your W will notice.
Yes and no. I am as guilty as anyone of simply venting and not posting the good stuff. There are plenty of times when I communicate with W about these things, but yes, I DO need to do more of that, and as this seems to be the theme of your post, point WELL taken.
Quote: Oh yeah, and the sex thing - I think this communication issue plays into it a whole lot. Pursue her overtly. Do it in a way that turns it into a game. Send her letters, mention something sexual at totally inappropriate times. Let her know that you desire her - through your actions - ESPECIALLY when there's no chance of having sex. Let her know that if she rejects you, you don't get hurt, but rather turn it into a game, thereby increasing your desire for her. Be communicative. Share more. All this tells her that you want HER, not just sex.
I think I am doing pretty well with this. I THINK I have found out how to communicate my desire for HER and not just sex. I HOPE I am doing that and that sooner or later it will translate into progress. I am pretty sure I am ok here, no matter how much I vent about it. Just like with the rest of my sitch, I think more openness and directness it a must here.
Thank you so much for your post. It really helped me focus my thoughts today.
