Forgive me if I'm off base here, but it seems to me that you are backsliding by giving in to your fear. A much different fear than that of losing your family to an A, yes, but fear none-the-less. I liken your situation to a broken bone - you have survived the pain and the break is starting to heal, however, a broken bone seldom heals properly if not cared for. Sometimes you have to re-break the bone to set it properly otherwise the bone will cause all sorts of problems in the future. Not a pleasant thought, causing the bone to break again.
You call the situation "perfection" - clearly it is not perfect to you - rather it seems like all your energy is going to maintaining peace and security (the one part of your M that wasn't poked full of holes by the A - your family life). This may be necessary now, but be very sure that you don't give your W the impression that this is what you want out of your M.
You owe it to both yourself and your W to get this out in the open. You both have embarked on a journey in self exploration as a result of this trauma - neither one of you can go back to life as it was before. You both committed to changing yourselves. Both of you need to heal - regardless of whether you do it apart or together. I think you can agree to involve each other in your individual healing and growth - thereby fostering growth in your marriage. This doesn't mean that you jump into fixing the marriage, but it allows the real bond to grow between you because you are involved in something deeply meaningful to each of you, fixing yourselves. I think that's something that was said by another poster fairly recently: WE get to see this side of you that your wife doesn't. This process is something that she should be a part of.
I know, on some level you're worried about the whole checking-in, co-dependancy thing again, but I think you know to be aware of it now - but this shouldn't preclude real intimacy and fostering of this all important bond. I think another thing that would be useful to you is direct communication of your needs and desires. This assertiveness may be just what it takes to win your wife over. You're telling her that you're aware of your worth and you deserve great things out of your relationship (this is the same lesson she just learned in her A, BTW). This is something that you can wholeheartedly relate on.
I often wonder when I read your journaling: "Where's his communication with his wife?" I feel that you often hold your tongue and end up working off of your assumptions of where she is rather than directly addressing things. Again, forgive me if I'm off base, but I think that in order to be two whole individuals in a relationship, you need to openly communicate about where you are and where you are going, even if it's a goal that's a week away. Negotiate. Bravely face your fears both individually and together - because if you don't, you are again letting them control you. And your W will notice.
Oh yeah, and the sex thing - I think this communication issue plays into it a whole lot. Persue her overtly. Do it in a way that turns it into a game. Send her letters, mention something sexual at totally inappropriate times. Let her know that you desire her - through your actions - ESPECIALLY when there's no chance of having sex. Let her know that if she rejects you, you don't get hurt, but rather turn it into a game, thereby increasing your desire for her. Be communicative. Share more. All this tells her that you want HER, not just sex.
Well, again, just a few opinions - hopefully there's something useful to take away from this.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
