I wanted to post this before the thought left me, and why not start a new thread with it...
This has been lurking in the back of my mind, in that place that is almost impossible to actually pull anything out of. It is what I think has been causing my anxiety for the past week or so, and the root of my issues right now.
It seems like this entire thing is all in my head. To look at my life, to see my W and I together (unless you're in the bedroom with us), to see my little family, you'd think there was no happier bunch alive. You'd think perfection did exist and you were looking at it.
My W has gone back to living life, yes, stressed out about her case, but back to our "old" life as it were. I of course have not, but still, our daily lives are as normal as normal gets.
So, what the problem? The problem is that everything is NOT ok yet for me to address the issues I THINK we have, it feels like I have to "break" this perfection. It feels like I have to intentionally go back to the turmoil, the uncertainty and pain of a couple months ago. Add to the fear of doing THAT, the fact that I really think at least SOME of my "issues" are entirely self-contained, and you get a TON of confusion over what to do. I WILL "break" things if I have to, disrupt the "perfection" if I must. Conflict, or at least expressing myself, even my negative feelings is something I now know I can do without "breaking" things, and that is a huge thing for me.
I WANT things to be better. The problem is, I think I trusted too soon. I think I DID allow myself to fall back into the "routine", or at the very least, went along with W as SHE fell back into it.
I am SO happy to be where I am, or should I say, happy to NOT be where I was. I HAVE achieved my goals, small and large.
At times I feel greedy. I feel like yes, I DESERVE more than this, but that since I have what I have, I should be able to get MORE, NOW, not later. I shouldn't have to wait anymore. Well, I think that is BS of the highest order. I have embraced patience as a way of life WAY to much to allow impatience or anything that looks like it, to derail me now!
SO much of my last couple weeks has been spent focusing on what I don't YET have in my relationship. I really want to try to focus on what I DO have and move forward with something closer to optimism than dread. I want to be positive in my life, something that I stopped being at some point along the way.
I want to get back to where I was as an individual a few months ago, sans the pain, before I started to get negative again. I want to recapture the me that was SURE of himself because he had to be. I want to BE who I may have only pretended to be as a defense mechanism against seemingly insurmountable odds.
I look at all of you, struggling daily to keep your sanity, much of the time in worse situations than I ever had, and I realize that I owe it not only to ME to do this, but you as well. You, who have helped me SO much over these hardest months of my life, inspire me to do better, and I will.
I wanted to start this thread by acknowledging my anxiety and pledging to do something about it. I DON'T want to break what I have going right now, and I think there is a way to make progress without that but it will require me being strong WITHIN my marriage as much as I was when I was effectively out of my marriage, something that does NOT come naturally to me.
Mama, you have been telling me that I am treating my W like a criminal, and you are 100% right. I have been, mainly because she IS a relationship criminal, but also because I have once again, lapsed into my codependency and lack the "differentiation" as PM talks about, enough not to be able to maintain my own happiness. I am so confused these days because I once again placed the responsibility for my happiness with my W and she didn't, for whatever reason, live up to that responsibility. I know better. I SHOULD know better. Too much, too soon, and as far as her having any RESPONSIBILITY for my happiness, it should not happen at all, ever.
I write all this as much as advice to myself as anything. I want to be better and I just think I have been too hard on myself for not "getting" it all the time. I am going to keep reading PM, maybe look into something more "anger" related and most of all, HAVE FUN!
I don't know what the future holds for my marriage. I am optimistic, much more so than a month ago, or maybe even a year ago, but I just don't know so here I am, back on the wagon again, making my own way again. I HOPE I can give myself a chance to just see what lies ahead without spoiling it. My NEW self will allow that, my old self would not.
I am a new man. I truly believe that, and I think that fact alone will help me succeed. What my W does with HER second chance at this is something I cannot control or predict. I hope she does what makes her happy, and I hope I can help with that...but not be responsible for it.
