Yes, absolutely clear. I understand, as I'm sure many here do, how much MORE it hurts (if that's possible) when there is past betrayal. I was raped as a young woman (a virgin) and subsequently beaten. I didn't tell anyone because he was my boyfriend at the time. Another big issue I've never gotten over, and never will, is my first "love", the first man who ever loved me...we were together/engaged for about 6 years and lived together for almost 2 (which is a lot when you're only 18-19), anyway, it ended badly-he left me on my birthday without a note....I will never be able to fix things with him as I found out in Feb that he passed away in Sept of 2000. I was surprised at how hard that hit me....I always thought I'd see him again...be able to talk to him and tell him that now I understand why he left me. It was very painful for me, and it still is.
My point is that there are always mitigating circumstances, I'm in NO way trying to belittle what happened to you as a child, it is unconscionable what that man did to you-there is no death painful enough for him....I just want to say that yes, you are justified in your feelings. Justified-absolutely....but it will be up to you as to how you let that impact your marriage right now and in the future.
If I have learned one thing through all this my dear M, is that what is past is just that-past. This is not to say that it doesn't still hurt like hell and there are days when I get so angry and others when I cannot stop crying...but when I'm done I have to point my head to the future because THAT is THE ONLY thing I have influence over. The future is up to me. How my past affects me will most certainly determine how I head into that future, but I still have control nonetheless.
Am I rambling or making sense?
I am almost a year and a half post "Whole truth bomb" and there are still bad days. BUT, they are not near as many as they used to be.
You are headed in the right direction-keep the faith-and do not ever think that you are nuts or stupid for feeling what you feel. Your feelings are NEVER stupid-they just are. Your actions on the other hand are a different story, not that I think you're doing anything stupid, what I mean is that there is potential for actions to be stupid and believe me, I CAN attest to that from personal experience-LOL!!
OK, off my soapbox....
You take care-and remember that he loves you-and leave it at that (I too used to follow that one up with "yeah, but NOT enough to be faithful....") it's better without that last added phrase.
L
p.s. Now, if I were only able to take what I wrote above and live that way every day of my life.....it's so easy to say, isn't it....much harder to put into practice....I'll be thinking about you!
