Hi, Guys. I haven't posted in a couple of days. I'm just really confused and I know I must sound like an idiot going round and round with the same old stuff. I wish I could get off the merry-go-round. I think I'm going nuts sometimes.

Thanks, Utreya for your comments. I think I'm afraid of really letting go with those images in my head. They can get pretty ugly, and I'm afraid of what will happen if I swell too much on those images.

I haven't been obsessing much for the entire week [Big Grin] . I did have a couple of rough spots around an occasion that I knew about from last year. H and I talked a little about it. He apologized again, told me again how he wished he was in my shoes, etc. Funny how the apologies sound so empty now. I'm not in a good place.

I've found myself thinking a lot about going off to be by myself for awhile. Sometimes I think I just need time to be alone and think about what I really want now. Sometimes I wonder if I really do love H after all. That scares me. That hurts me to even think it. And, yet, all I have to do is remember what he's done and I just can't imagine it ever being right again, or even close to it. Right now I feel like something has died in me. I'm not sure if I can bring it back to life. Right now being with H is making me feel the way I felt about myself for many years after being molested. I thought I had put that all behind me, and now it's all coming back again.

At the C's today we talked more about my apparent need for revenge and to "hurt" my H, which is why I can't or won't forgive him. Had a pretty good revelation -- when I was molested as a child I never told anyone. It was my "dirty little secret." As a grown woman, I have had to deal with the fact that I let that person get away with what he did to me because I didn't stand up for myself -- I didn't tell anyone. Hell, maybe (probably) he molested other girls, and I did nothing to stop him. So C thinks H's A is very closely tied to the molestation. I've been "betrayed" by men I trusted. I've done nothing to protect myself or others. I'm letting H "get away" with what he's done by forgiving him. I need to make him pay, just like I should've made the molestor pay. Wow, pretty ugly stuff.

H wants to know what happened with C today. He's actually getting a little unnerved that he's not invited to these sessions. He called me from work asking me about it. I told him we'd talk tonight at home. I hope I handle this well. I don't really want him thinking he's no better than a child molester. One thing I am sure of is that I do care for my H. I just don't know if I can continue to be married to him. There is so much at stake. I'm so afraid of making the wrong decision.

Boy, what a bummer I am, Huh? Need to get this stuff out here. Not sure how much more H can handle. Funny how I still worry about that.

Matilda