Please give yourself more time. As you can tell by reading my thread, it's been a very difficult journey for me, but I can honestly say it's 1000 x's better than it was 3 months ago, which is where you're at. And then if you read Pfroglady, she's ahead of me by over 6 months and things are really great for her. We all handle things differently, but you're really still in the beginning stages of pain and anger. Try not to do or say anything at this stage that will make it more difficult later on.
I feel the same as your W. I don't think separating is the answer. Believe me, I thought about it, but that would've just caused more problems and added more stress in an already impossibly stressful situation. It's much easier to work on this when you're together. But, again, only you can make that decision.
If you think that your wife isn't thinking about this daily, hourly, minute by minute, I think you're mistaken. She's in her own hell -- and what makes it worse is that it's of her own making. Put yourself in her place. Can you imagine having to tell the person you love about the most humilating experience in your life? And, probably having to go over and over and over it again; knowing the pain you've caused that person; knowing you've changed the course of their life forever; knowing they'll look at you differently now -- maybe with a little bit of disgust; knowing they'll probably never feel the same about you? No, believe me, she's in just as much pain as you are -- it's just a different pain. And then you have to add on the shame, humilation, self-disgust, etc, etc, etc. No, Montana, you're not alone in your pain.
My H has told me on several occasions that he wishes he were in my place. He'd rather be the one who ended up being faithful and honest and trustworthy. He really can't stand what he did, who he became, and how he's damaged me (and himself). Does that make my pain any easier -- no, not really. But at least I know I'm not suffering by myself. That would have probably sent me over the edge. We're able to help each other heal from this ordeal, and I think eventually we will be a stronger couple because of that fact.
Like the rest of us here trying to make OR work when it seems almost impossible, I think you're very strong and courageous. It takes a strong person to not walk out when it gets tough.
