Still getting over it!!

[healedbutscarred]

Matilda, Glad you didn't get mad or offended at what I asked. I am always afraid that I will say or ask something that will hurt or P.O. somebody without meaning to! I was just trying to find out where things were and try to find a reason that you H is really having such a hard time. You did clear that up. I can understand more about you distrust in men and why then when the one person you thought would never hurt or betray you,did just that hurt you so deeply. This also explains why your H is really down on himself. Since he knew your history with men he should have realized that what he was doing would rip your heart out. But like so many men he wasn't thinking at the time (or possibly thinking with the wrong "head" !!) I guess that no matter what is going on with a man considering having an A all he thinks about is himself and what he wants or needs. We are fortunate in that our men discovered that the OW was NOT what he wanted or needed to make him happy. The only thing is they almost lost what they really wanted and needed all along but had somehow forgotten. So they are fortunate too in that they married strong,loving and forgiving women like us !! We are so much alike sometimes it is down right eerie!! My H and I very very rarely ever have an arguement or disagree. We had a couple of "moments" when we were in the early process of making changes and working things out but they were very minor and didn't last but a few minutes. And even though I was tempted to bring up the pain and anger of the A I remembered my promise and kept to the subject at hand and we worked through the problem calmly and thoroughly with no screaming or yelling or harsh words. Haven't had any problems at all in the past 6 months or more! I sincerely hope the C will be able to help your H. He really does need to completely forgive himself. He needs to remember that God doesn't give up on those who screw up - He knows He made us human and we are going to make BIG mistakes. So if Gos can forgive you H for what he did,you can forgive your H for what he did then he should be able to eventually forgive himself for what he did. I think you are a very strong,loving and wonderful wife for this man and if you just keep showing him that you love him deeply and you have completely forgiven him then he will get better. I'll check in again with you later. Pfroglady

[matilda]

Thanks for your encouragement, Pfroglady.

Last night turned into a disaster . I needed to ask him one little question that I wanted the answer to before I went to MC today. I asked, "Have you forgiven me for all of my "sins" against you that left you open for an A?" "Yes." I should have dropped it there. I fully intended to drop it there. My mouth just kept running, I ended up in tears, and my H ended up with chest pressure. I was so ashamed of myself afterwards. What I'm I trying to do here? The look on his face was tragic. (However, we did end up making love - go figure!)

This morning we hardly said 2 words to each other. H dropped #2 son at school and I tried to call him on his cell. Didn't have it on! He always makes sure it's on, especially since he dropped the bomb. He wants to make sure I can always get ahold of him. I called him at the office before I left for the MC, asked him why he didn't want to talk to me. He said he had forgotten to turn it on. Yeah, right. Said he'd call me after my appt.

Appt with MC went really well. Told him about last night and that I'm having trouble dealing with things. He told me I was obsessing about the A cuz: 1. I feel if I let it go and forgive H totally I'll be leaving myself open for more hurt. It's a form of self-protection. Says women who've been molested have a much harder time forgiving (gee, really). Also, women who have been molested have trouble trusting God to protect them. "You didn't protect me against being molested, and now you didn't protect me against this horrible pain of my H betraying me." So, therefore, right now I'm not ready to "just put in in God's hands" and let it go. This was a big revelation for me. I've been praying for help in this department, but probably deep down don't believe he's gonna help me -- didn't before. 2. Maybe some form of revenge against H. "I won't ever let you forget what you've done to me," translating into "I want you to feel like shit forever." Boy, that sucks. Probably true, but it really sucks. I can see what it does to him, and yet I don't stop.

So, actually, we both agreed we made some headway. Sometimes understanding why you're doing the things you do and feeling the way you feel goes a long way to finally being able to stop the negative obsessing and start to re-train one's thinking. I already felt 100% better after leaving there. Gave me a lot to think about, which kept my mind off the A, so already it's working!!

Anyway, H called and asked how things went. I said okay and we chatted a few minutes. Then I told him I was going to drive out to his office to have lunch with him. He was really pleased. Didn't even try to talk me out of it (his office is 45 minutes away; I have work responsiblities, etc. Usually he would tell me these things). But he was really pleased and called me twice before I got there to make sure I knew where I was going (I've only been to the office building once in 10 years -- never inside his actual office. Boy, what does that tell you?) He was waiting for me outside, and then took me inside and introduced me to the guys. He said, "Wow, you look great. Did you go to the MC looking like that?" Just jeans, boots, red leather jacket -- innocent little me .

We were walking to lunch and he told me he had lied to me this morning, said he hadn't "forgotten" to turn on his phone. He just didn't want to talk to me. Said his mind felt like mush this morning and he just didn't want to talk. Then he said, "But I'm better now, and I'm sorry about this morning." I appologized for last night. I told him that it was certainly not my intention to get all involved like that. He was really surprised, and I think pleased, that I appologized.

We had a very nice lunch; talked about the MC session; talked about last night and other things. It was fun!! We were walking back to his office holding hands and he told me how nice it was that I'd driven out to have lunch with him and that he'd really enjoyed it. Funny how it's the little things that people seem to really appreciate. I wasn't 10 minutes down the road when he called on my PCS and told me again how nice it was to have me visit him at work and go to lunch with him.

We talked later on the phone and laughed over something that happened at lunch. Tonight he doesn't have that "I'm home, you can start beating on me" look. We're both very relaxed and easy with each other. And, guess what, I'm haven't obsessed all day long!! Hardly thought about "it" at all.

Please pray for me to continue OUR healing process. I really do want to put this in the past and move on. I think I'm gonna go out to the garage and get some of that duct tape that Lily and Duchess are always talking about. Gotta keep my mouth shut and just open it here with you guys and with MC. Wish me luck.

Love,

Matilda

[montana_kl]

Matilda,

Thanks for taking the time to respond, your words/opinions help. I can see now where you would be having trouble coping with your ordeal. Im truly sorry that it has to be tougher than it already is. I have to admit, that I feel like I've lost a little faith in God also, although I still believe firmly in Him. My W says he wont put you through anything you cant handle, although I find that hard to believe sometimes. I guess my situation isnt as bad as it could have been, but to be honest it still doesnt help me too much by knowing that. She has said over and over that she would be able to forgive me if the roles were reversed, but I said forgiveness is easy when its a convenience for you. I guess what p*sses me off more than anything is that I would have never put myself in a position where that much forgiveness would have to be asked from my spouse.

I would just like to go one day, well actually Id be happy if it was just a 1/2 a day without this ever crossing my mind. Thats part of the reason I feel like carrying out an act of revenge, just so she would have to sit and ponder over the things that I do throughout the course of a day. It has been rough. I work a full time job and Im a full time student also. Its not as if I didnt have enough going on in my life to begin with, now this. She dropped the bomb on me on my b-day, 3 days before classes began this semester. I asked her how she could told me this when she did, and her response was I wanted you to have a new life, with or without me, so I wanted you to remember your b-day as the 1st day of your new life. Geeeeez, thanks. Dont do me any more favors. I dont know sometimes, but the rollercoaster ride has taken its toll on me, thats for sure. Ive read all the books DB, DR, After the A, and although they do offer some insight, it sure doesnt take the pain away.

I thought about moving out just so we could start over really fresh, like small dates, etc. Im still tossing this idea around, although she's afraid it would be the beginning of the end. Maybe she's right. I know it wouldnt ease the pain, for every day I wake up Id be reminded of why Im not in my house with my family. I will take heart in what you say, maybe it does get easier as time passes by. If you ever do get that patent, please be kind enough to share with me . It does help to see how wonderful of a person she is now. She has told me over and over that it wasnt the real her back then, and it wasnt. Maybe she was going through some kind of post-partum depression, I dont know for sure. She has had boughts with depression for most of her life (she's 28 now), for the way her parents neglected her when she was being raised. I try to think of it in terms of that, but what gets me is she never gave me a chance to address her problems with her, and for that Im very resentful. She says that I didnt seem to interested in her back then, but I was so busy with work and taking care of the baby during the day it was hard to find time fer her. Maybe Im partially to blame for some of this, its so hard to say.

Well school starts in about 30 minutes, another long day in the life of Montana . You keep being strong Matilda.

[healedbutscarred]

Matilda, Sounds like things are really looking up!! The things the C said make sense and you sound like you know what the problem is and you are really doing good handling it. No one ever said what you are trying to do was going to be easy. I think your H knows it and understands it isn't easy. The lunch with him and the rest of the day sounds wonderful!! Maybe you could do that more often! I know I started planning little romantic dinners and indoor picnics. I also started every now and then having everything all set up to give H a nice massage when he comes home from work. Sometimes I just hand him a drink (after a big hug and kiss),sit him down,remove his shoes and socks and give him a foot massage (he REALLY loves those !!). Every so often he calls me form work and tells me not to cook dinner,he's taking me out on a date. Sometimes we go dancing. As you said it's the little things sometimes that do wonders! We had pretty much stopped doing anything for each other and that was one of the things that was making us both so terribly unhappy. He tells me how much he appreciates me and all the things I do (he never used to and that's why I stopped doing them). I just know everything is going to work out for you and your H. It already sounds like things are getting better and better!! Don't beat yourself up too much if you do have a "relapse" and soon you'll find that those "relapses" are few and far between!! KEEP UP THE GREAT WORK!!!!!!

[matilda]

Montana,

Please give yourself more time. As you can tell by reading my thread, it's been a very difficult journey for me, but I can honestly say it's 1000 x's better than it was 3 months ago, which is where you're at. And then if you read Pfroglady, she's ahead of me by over 6 months and things are really great for her. We all handle things differently, but you're really still in the beginning stages of pain and anger. Try not to do or say anything at this stage that will make it more difficult later on.

I feel the same as your W. I don't think separating is the answer. Believe me, I thought about it, but that would've just caused more problems and added more stress in an already impossibly stressful situation. It's much easier to work on this when you're together. But, again, only you can make that decision.

If you think that your wife isn't thinking about this daily, hourly, minute by minute, I think you're mistaken. She's in her own hell -- and what makes it worse is that it's of her own making. Put yourself in her place. Can you imagine having to tell the person you love about the most humilating experience in your life? And, probably having to go over and over and over it again; knowing the pain you've caused that person; knowing you've changed the course of their life forever; knowing they'll look at you differently now -- maybe with a little bit of disgust; knowing they'll probably never feel the same about you? No, believe me, she's in just as much pain as you are -- it's just a different pain. And then you have to add on the shame, humilation, self-disgust, etc, etc, etc. No, Montana, you're not alone in your pain.

My H has told me on several occasions that he wishes he were in my place. He'd rather be the one who ended up being faithful and honest and trustworthy. He really can't stand what he did, who he became, and how he's damaged me (and himself). Does that make my pain any easier -- no, not really. But at least I know I'm not suffering by myself. That would have probably sent me over the edge. We're able to help each other heal from this ordeal, and I think eventually we will be a stronger couple because of that fact.

Like the rest of us here trying to make OR work when it seems almost impossible, I think you're very strong and courageous. It takes a strong person to not walk out when it gets tough.

I'm keeping you in my prayers.

Matilda

[matilda]

Hi, Pfroglady.

Thanks for your encouragement. Two whole days now without obsessing . Fleeting thoughts, but no obsessing.

We've been doing the massages for a while now. Once a week, taking turns. Usually turns into a pretty hot time .

The night of that same day I went out to have lunch with H we were sitting together watching t.v. Out of the blue H said, "Do you know how it makes me feel after we have a "session" like last night?" (I had told him he made me sick, disgusted me, etc. - yeah, I know Shut up, Matilda).

What I wanted to say in reply, "How you feel? Can you imagine how I feel knowing how you've betrayed me. Can you imagine how I feel knowing the things you've down with OW? "

What I actually said was, "No, tell me."

He proceeded to tell me that it "set him back" for weeks -- from his healing, I guess. That it brought up all the humilation and shame again, and that he wonders how we'll ever get passed it.

I didn't say anything. Just listened. Good girl, Matilda!

The next day he sent me an E-mail saying how much he longs for the peace and joy we once shared; how he hopes we can get there again. He said he wants our home to be a "safe haven" for both of us from the outside world where we will both feel loved, accepted, and desired. It was really beautiful. It's those kinds of things that keep me from obsessing.

Oh, well. Just putting down my thoughts today. Hope you have a great weekend. Talk to you soon.

Matilda

[ANS]

quote:Originally posted by matilda:

It takes a strong person to not walk out when it gets tough.

Takes one to know one!

Glad to hear you're still hanging in there, Matilda. Your hopes are the same as his. I know you'll get there!

Andy

[matilda]

Well, hanging in there is kinda hard these days. Like last night -- started thinking about the fact that H spent the night with OW a year ago last night (actually by date, tonight)!! Too much, too much. In a couple of weeks I'll know when it was that I called him at his hotel just to say ILU, and she was there with him (didn't know that then, of course). So, see, I know way too much. H did what he was told was the right thing, which was to answer my questions as honestly as he could. Unfortunately, the questions I asked I expected a totally different answer to -- thought the answers I'd get would make me feel a little better cuz I knew at least he wouldn't do THAT -- but, slam, bang, I was cold-cocked.

So my PMA really sucks right now. I'm not sure I can ever truely forgive what he's done. Every time I think things are going well, I relive an event. I just really can't believe how he could have done the things he did.

H is at a loss as to how to make things better. What can he possibly do? Rewrite history, maybe? He'd like to, I know. But the damage is done and I just don't know how to handle it. I still love my H, but I wonder if that's enough. Apparently it wasn't enough for him.

I'd better go before I bring everybody down.

Matilda

[ANS]

Sorry to hear you're having such a tough time, Matilda.

I wish there was something I could say, but since I haven't been there...

All I can do is to reiterate that you're strong, and if anyone can get through this, I know you can.

Keep fighting the demons, Matilda. I know you can do it.

Andy

[Ultreya]

Hey Matilda,
The suggestion I'm going to offer is very simplistic and you are welcome to disregard it as such... anyway...

When your mind turns toward those awful images... what do you do... do you try to resist them, shut them off, push them away? If so, you are feeding them your power. Have you tried to just let them go... stop fighting the visuals... and really let your imagination have a hey day... when they start... instead of cringing... really invite them in.... and pretend you are watching a movie... detached and just watching at the same time telling yourself these are only figments of your own powerful imagination... it is you that has the power to conjur them and you will not be scared, po'd or controlled by them.?

Sounds simple and silly... but it has worked for me and it helps. I've become a little more desensitized to them.

Just my 2 cents
U