Matilda,

Thanks for taking the time to respond, your words/opinions help. I can see now where you would be having trouble coping with your ordeal. Im truly sorry that it has to be tougher than it already is. I have to admit, that I feel like I've lost a little faith in God also, although I still believe firmly in Him. My W says he wont put you through anything you cant handle, although I find that hard to believe sometimes. I guess my situation isnt as bad as it could have been, but to be honest it still doesnt help me too much by knowing that. She has said over and over that she would be able to forgive me if the roles were reversed, but I said forgiveness is easy when its a convenience for you. I guess what p*sses me off more than anything is that I would have never put myself in a position where that much forgiveness would have to be asked from my spouse.

I would just like to go one day, well actually Id be happy if it was just a 1/2 a day without this ever crossing my mind. Thats part of the reason I feel like carrying out an act of revenge, just so she would have to sit and ponder over the things that I do throughout the course of a day. It has been rough. I work a full time job and Im a full time student also. Its not as if I didnt have enough going on in my life to begin with, now this. She dropped the bomb on me on my b-day, 3 days before classes began this semester. I asked her how she could told me this when she did, and her response was I wanted you to have a new life, with or without me, so I wanted you to remember your b-day as the 1st day of your new life. Geeeeez, thanks. [Roll Eyes] Dont do me any more favors. I dont know sometimes, but the rollercoaster ride has taken its toll on me, thats for sure. Ive read all the books DB, DR, After the A, and although they do offer some insight, it sure doesnt take the pain away.

I thought about moving out just so we could start over really fresh, like small dates, etc. Im still tossing this idea around, although she's afraid it would be the beginning of the end. Maybe she's right. I know it wouldnt ease the pain, for every day I wake up Id be reminded of why Im not in my house with my family. I will take heart in what you say, maybe it does get easier as time passes by. If you ever do get that patent, please be kind enough to share with me [Big Grin] . It does help to see how wonderful of a person she is now. She has told me over and over that it wasnt the real her back then, and it wasnt. Maybe she was going through some kind of post-partum depression, I dont know for sure. She has had boughts with depression for most of her life (she's 28 now), for the way her parents neglected her when she was being raised. I try to think of it in terms of that, but what gets me is she never gave me a chance to address her problems with her, and for that Im very resentful. She says that I didnt seem to interested in her back then, but I was so busy with work and taking care of the baby during the day it was hard to find time fer her. Maybe Im partially to blame for some of this, its so hard to say.

Well school starts in about 30 minutes, another long day in the life of Montana [Wink] . You keep being strong Matilda.