Thanks for your encouragement, Pfroglady.

Last night turned into a disaster [Frown] . I needed to ask him one little question that I wanted the answer to before I went to MC today. I asked, "Have you forgiven me for all of my "sins" against you that left you open for an A?" "Yes." I should have dropped it there. I fully intended to drop it there. My mouth just kept running, I ended up in tears, and my H ended up with chest pressure. I was so ashamed of myself afterwards. What I'm I trying to do here? The look on his face was tragic. (However, we did end up making love - go figure!)

This morning we hardly said 2 words to each other. H dropped #2 son at school and I tried to call him on his cell. Didn't have it on! He always makes sure it's on, especially since he dropped the bomb. He wants to make sure I can always get ahold of him. I called him at the office before I left for the MC, asked him why he didn't want to talk to me. He said he had forgotten to turn it on. Yeah, right. Said he'd call me after my appt.

Appt with MC went really well. Told him about last night and that I'm having trouble dealing with things. He told me I was obsessing about the A cuz: 1. I feel if I let it go and forgive H totally I'll be leaving myself open for more hurt. It's a form of self-protection. Says women who've been molested have a much harder time forgiving (gee, really). Also, women who have been molested have trouble trusting God to protect them. "You didn't protect me against being molested, and now you didn't protect me against this horrible pain of my H betraying me." So, therefore, right now I'm not ready to "just put in in God's hands" and let it go. This was a big revelation for me. I've been praying for help in this department, but probably deep down don't believe he's gonna help me -- didn't before. 2. Maybe some form of revenge against H. "I won't ever let you forget what you've done to me," translating into "I want you to feel like shit forever." Boy, that sucks. Probably true, but it really sucks. I can see what it does to him, and yet I don't stop.

So, actually, we both agreed we made some headway. Sometimes understanding why you're doing the things you do and feeling the way you feel goes a long way to finally being able to stop the negative obsessing and start to re-train one's thinking. I already felt 100% better after leaving there. Gave me a lot to think about, which kept my mind off the A, so already it's working!!

Anyway, H called and asked how things went. I said okay and we chatted a few minutes. Then I told him I was going to drive out to his office to have lunch with him. He was really pleased. Didn't even try to talk me out of it (his office is 45 minutes away; I have work responsiblities, etc. Usually he would tell me these things). But he was really pleased and called me twice before I got there to make sure I knew where I was going (I've only been to the office building once in 10 years -- never inside his actual office. Boy, what does that tell you?) He was waiting for me outside, and then took me inside and introduced me to the guys. He said, "Wow, you look great. Did you go to the MC looking like that?" Just jeans, boots, red leather jacket -- innocent little me [Big Grin] .

We were walking to lunch and he told me he had lied to me this morning, said he hadn't "forgotten" to turn on his phone. He just didn't want to talk to me. Said his mind felt like mush this morning and he just didn't want to talk. Then he said, "But I'm better now, and I'm sorry about this morning." I appologized for last night. I told him that it was certainly not my intention to get all involved like that. He was really surprised, and I think pleased, that I appologized.

We had a very nice lunch; talked about the MC session; talked about last night and other things. It was fun!! We were walking back to his office holding hands and he told me how nice it was that I'd driven out to have lunch with him and that he'd really enjoyed it. Funny how it's the little things that people seem to really appreciate. I wasn't 10 minutes down the road when he called on my PCS and told me again how nice it was to have me visit him at work and go to lunch with him. [Smile]

We talked later on the phone and laughed over something that happened at lunch. Tonight he doesn't have that "I'm home, you can start beating on me" look. We're both very relaxed and easy with each other. And, guess what, I'm haven't obsessed all day long!! Hardly thought about "it" at all.

Please pray for me to continue OUR healing process. I really do want to put this in the past and move on. I think I'm gonna go out to the garage and get some of that duct tape that Lily and Duchess are always talking about. Gotta keep my mouth shut and just open it here with you guys and with MC. Wish me luck.

Love,

Matilda