Well, Pfroglady, I am s-o-o angry with you [Wink] ! Just kidding, of course. I want everyone to be honest with me here.

I really don't think I "throw" the A in his face. I've made a conscious effort to not make hurtful comments or snide remarks. We really haven't had any arguments or disagreements, so I haven't had any occasion to use it against him. And, quite honestly, I don't think I'd need to cuz he said the other night he tries to avoid anything that might bring "things" up.

No, he hasn't forgiven himself; and, yes, we have discussed it with MC. He just feels so horrible about himself. He feels God has run out of grace for him. He doesn't understand how I can still love him, and he told me the other night he doesn't deserve my love. However, he also said he was very grateful that I've giving us a chance and he thinks I'm very courageous for even trying to make things work.

Many times in the past I've written that sometimes I think H has been more affected by his A than me. I'm not sure that he will ever completely forgive himself. Once at the MC we were discussing my past and what is making it so hard for me to get passed the pain and move on. My dad committed suicide when I was 5, and I was molested by a trusted family friend when I was 12. So I have HUGE trust issues with men. H knew all this, but had never considered how his A would devastate me because of my past. He knew that I trusted him totally and completely, and he knew just how hard it was for me to get to that point of trust. He knew that he was the only man in the world I really ever trusted. And he broke that trust. He broke that trust without a second thought to what it would do to me. That is what's killing him. He KNOWS just how much he's let me down. He's humilated to realize how stupid he's been; that he almost blew it over a tramp like the OW because "of the way she made him feel." Cuz, guess what, he feels like shit now and has for a very long time -- much longer than those "good feeling" he got from her.

Well, gotta go for now. I'll post more later. Gotta feed the hungry masses.

Matilda