Hey, Montana, welcome to my thread and thanks for posting.

I've kept up a little on your thread also, and if I remember correctly your W had an A 6 years ago after you'd been married about a year. You have one child -- am I right. I'll try to find your thread again and catch up.

Montana, I know how much you're hurting. I hate to tell you this, you're gonna hurt for a while to come. I love telling you this part, though, it does get better. It's only been 6.5 months since I found out, and the difference is amazing! Don't get me wrong - I still hurt. Sometimes I can get pretty darned angry, too. But, guess what? I can breathe now. I know I'm going to live. I know I'm going to make it through this. There was a time I wondered how a person could possibly hurt as much as I was hurting and survive. But, I'm here and I'm basically pretty happy. I still have a l-o-n-g way to go, but I'm getting there.

I think I posted on your thread that I felt your W was showing you just how much she loves you by telling you about the past. I think women really understand how lies and deceit can undermine the very foundation of a marriage. She is trying to shore up that foundation and make it strong again so that hopefully you can build a strong marriage on top of it. Sometimes I wish my H hadn't told me about the A, but then there would have always been a secret he was keeping that someday could have blown up in his face. I have a lot of respect for my H for having the "balls" to tell me on his own. I think he was also showing me respect by telling me himself rather than having me find out on my own. That would have killed me (after I killed him, of course [Wink]

It worries me to hear you say you're pinning your last hopes on your upcoming Retonville weekend. Hon, you're only 3 months into this. Don't expect miracles in one weekend. It's gonna take a lot of time, work, committment -- and most of all, love -- to make it through this. Yes, go to your weekend, keep posting here, read DB & DR -- but don't think that just any one thing is going to be a miracle cure for you. Believe me, if there were such a thing, I'd have a patent on it by now. (I've been hoping for amnesia. H offered to hit me over the head with a club -- just kidding [Razz] ).

The most important thing is to decide what you really want. Is keeping your family together and working your way back to a terrific R with your W what you really want? If so, make that decision and keep you eye on the prize. I know that sounds easier said that done. I'm still working on it myself. Well, actually, what I'm really working on is letting go of the past. Like Andy said, "You can't unring a bell." Not much comfort, but totally true. Try to imagine yourself 1 year from now without your W. Are you happier w/o her? Do you miss her touch, her laugh, her kisses? Do you miss those "special" things she does for you? Isn't it worth giving it all you've got to make your M work. I know you have it in your cuz you're here. You want help. You want it to work.

You also want someone to take the pain away, and nobody can help you there. You have to go through it. But think about this -- how much MORE painful would divorce be? You see, you are one of the lucky ones here. Your W didn't run way with the OM. She realized her mistake and ended it. She loves you and wants to have a future with you. You, like myself and Pfroglady and a few others, are very lucky that we didn't have to go through the torture that so many others are going through. And, yes, I know you don't feel lucky. Like I posted to Lily, "It seems strange to say I'm LUCKY in this situation." But considering the alternatives, I will concede to being "lucky." And so should you.

So keep working at it, Montana. It will take time, but you owe it to yourself and your D (?) to do everything in your power to stay with your W and have a happy, loving M.

Keep in touch,

Matilda