I guess I already knew that he doesn't want to talk about how he's feeling cuz of his embarrassment and humiliation. I think the "bad" part of me wants to know he's feeling that way, wants to know he's hurting. I know that's very immature of me, believe me I know that. I'm struggling with keeping the revenge factor under control, and I realize that making him re-live his most embarrassing and shameful moments is a form of revenge. I am working on that, honestly I am.
Last night he opened up to me somewhat. I just listened, making a comment here and there, trying not to sound judgemental. He mentioned those feeings of shame, humiliation, embarressment, etc. He said it's hard for him to come home in the evenings - not because he wants to be anywhere else, but because he has to face me! And, he says, it's not because of the way I treat him, it's just that I "know" what he's done. At least at work he can remain annoymous. People there think of him the way he wants people to think of him; the way he used to view himself; the person he always wanted to be: as an honest, truthful man; a man who is sincere and has integrity.
He told me that the thing he regrets most is having hurt and disappointed me so badly. He feels that there will always be this "elephant" between us no matter how close be get. He's frustrated that he can't erase what's happened so that I can look at him with pride and admiration again. He feels the only thing worse he could have done would have been to committ murder - even with that he feels he has in a way. He thinks he's killed our M.
I don't know how we put this all back together when we're each others greatest source of pain and anguish. He's mine because of obvious reasons, and I'm his because he can't run and hide from his humiliation when he must come home and face it every day.
