Thank you all for your kind words. I must admit many times I think I must be an idiot, a very weak person with little self-esteem to even consider staying with a person who has hurt me so much. I wonder sometimes if my H thinks those things, too. I guess if I'm honest, however, I know he doesn't feet that way. I know he's very glad I'm giving us a second chance. Out of the blue yesterday in an e-mail to me he wrote: "Thanks for sticking with me -- at least for now." Obviously, he thinks it may all still blow up in his face eventually. One early morning last week while still in bed he put his arms around me and pulled me close and just held on for dear life. He's terrified of losing me. I wish I could understand how a man who obviously loves his W so much could betray and hurt her so deeply. I guess I'll never understand. I don't think he even understands.
It's nice to get affirmation that what I'm trying to do here is a good thing, the right thing. It's nice to be told that I'm admired for what I'm trying to do here. Out in the real world all I'd hear is "throw the SOB out. Don't let him walk all over you." I probably would have said the same thing in the past. I will never make the mistake of judging how people choose to handle their relationships again.
Lily, it hurts me to hear you' love to be in my shoes. I know what you mean cuz I've kept up on your thread, but how sad it seems that my situation is one of the "good" ones -- ya know what I mean? If my situ is "good" (and I know it is considering what so many others are going through) and I still hurt so much, I just can't imagine what others must be going through.
Considering everything that could have happened and didn't, maybe I need to start focusing a little more on being grateful that my M and my family is intact. I need to start focusing on the fact that my H was an idiot and very immature in many ways, but he's finally grown up, is taking responsiblity for his actions, and is doing his best to repair our M.
I sure wish I could get the images of them together out of my mind, though. That's really eating me up. I try the thought-stopping technique. Sometimes it works, most of the time it doesn't. And then, like someone said, it's there a conspiracy out there to keep throwing it up in my face (all of our faces). T.V., movies, books, news stories. It seemed like for the first month after learning about the A EVERYTHING on t.v. dealt with some sort of cheating!
Well, enough of that. Actually, I do feel my PMA is stronger today. I woke up today with a migraine, which means the last two days I've been on a hormonal roller coaster. So that is probably why I felt so negative. Although the negative feels are real and not to be discounted, but I think the hormones intensify them and sometimes make me feel hopeless. Today I feel hopeful. YEAH!!
