Still getting over it!!

[healedbutscarred]

HEY! Heard about a book on ivillage.com that sounds interesting. It's called ADULTRY:THE FORGIVABLE SIN by Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil. She mentiones the 5 Big False Hoods About Infidelity. They are 1) A is about sex 2) A is about character 3) A is therapeutic 4) A is harmless 5) A has to end in divorce. She also says that ADULTRY IN SOME FORM OCCURS IN 8 OUT OF 10 MARRIAGES. I read some excerpts from the book and it might be worth checking out.
I agree Matilad - YOU ARE A WINNER!!!! I think that any woman who can forgive her adulterous H,comfront the XOW, and work hard to put the pieces back together like you have is a FIRST CLASS WINNER!!!! I really do believe that by forgiving a spouse for committing A makes them feel worse about what they did than kicking them out would! It definately shows that forgiving makes you a better person that the cheater. The hard part is living with your decision to forgive and learning to trust again. It can be done and I know if anyone can do it you can!! So YOU GO GIRL!! You are a class act and a real lady!! Bitches are a dime a dozen but class acts are rare!! I like to think of OW as bitches and wives that forgive cheating husbands are REAL WOMEN and REAL CLASS ACTS!! Pfroglady (another REAL WOMAN )

[matilda]

Boy, what a cheerleading squad you guys are! You make me want to work harder so I don't let YOU guys down. I hope someday my H will appreciate how much you've all helped US through this terrible time.

Pfroglady, I'll think I'll check out that book you mentioned. Although I must admit everytime I hear words like "affair, infidelity, adultry" I cringe. I guess I still can't believe this is happening to us.

I think my PMA has risen a little since earlier -- thanks in no small part to my friends in cyberspace. Isn't it odd sometimes to realize you're revealing very intimate details of your life to a whole hord of complete strangers? I can't even discuss this with my best friend. Anyway, just kind of interesting, I think.

Wishing all of us better tomorrows.

Matilda.

I'm reading your posts with interest as my situation is very similar to Pfroglady's. My H's OW is ugly, a little on the plump side & 5 years younger than me. She is also married & has a 15 year old son. She is a WAW who left to steal my H & get an apt with him. My H is in MLC bigtime. My stories are posted under MLC. Married 25 years last July, H left in Aug. Affair started around end of June & is ongoing. We have 3 kids all at home. The whole scene is devestating.
So, any idea how long these affairs last, or what causes them to break up. Pfroglady - how long was your H's affair? Any info you might have would be appreciated.
Barb

[matilda]

Barbiedoll,

Sometimes I think I just can't stand reading another story like our's. It just makes me sick that people treat each other this way. I'm hurt so much for you.

My H's A last about 8-9 months. As he said, they "weren't together all that often," probably averaged about twice a month over that time. I'm not sure, maybe less. He can't really remember all that well!! He said there were long stretches when he refused to get together with her. He never left home, said he never wanted a divorce, never wanted a future with the OW. His A ended because he "decided" it was over. He ended it and never looked back. The OW kept trying to contact him, and he had to have some contact on a limited basis because of work, but he told her to keep it strictly business. Apparently she tried to sneak in personal conversations during so-called business calls and he had to just go along with it for a while. We went on vacation last August, and while we were gone she called our home. Her number showed up on the caller I.D. I never questioned it because I'd heard the name before in the context of his work.

Anyway, about 3 months after he ended it with her he told me about it. The whole thing had been making him physically ill and he had to tell me. I wish he hadn't.

If you want to know more about my story (and Pfroglady's) look up my old thread in"infidelity"
under "getting over it." It's been over six months, and I'm still trying to get over it. The last few days have not been good for me.

Please keep posting. I'd like to keep up with your progress. I'll keep you in my prayers.

Matilda

My original thread under MLC is 25th anniversary bust. Currently I post under Roller Coaster Ride. My H's OW (I call her Maggot) is one of the most manipulative you've ever heard of. Prior to stealing my H, she went after an old highschool BF (married) till his wife sent her packing. She also hit on her pastor after befriending his wife. She was a coop student at my H's work last summer. I'm told she hit on EVERYONE> Her H told me she is in MLC. She is unbelievable!. Tells everyone to leave her & my H alone in their little love nest. Tried to take out restraining order on my 19 yr old S & I because her H slashed her tire. (My Son & I would never go near their apt). It is the most unbelievable story. It is shocking to see my H & know what is going on. He hid it from me for about 2 1/2 months before I found a card from her to him. She "planted" eveidence for him to get caught. To this day he still hasn't figured it out. Education from me does not help things. I'm still waiting it out. I'm glad you said 8 to 9 months. I'm at the 9 month mark now. There might be a few "little" things going wrong, but it might just be wishful thinking on my part. Thanks for your support.
Barb

[matilda]

By the way, Andy, in an earlier reply you said something about if I can just let go of the past we can "have the greatest relationship on earth." Never can happen, my friend. Not with infidelity as part of that relationship. It may be good again someday, but never, never like it could have been. That makes me so angry. He was stupid, stupid, stupid.

You have the opportunity to have the greatest R on earth. I believe that anything can be worked out - as long as you stay faithful and loyal to each other. Unfaithfulness is an impossible hurdle to overcome overcome. It leaves a lasting imprint on a person's very soul. No, no matter how good it gets it will never be as good as it could have been. How can I forgive that? He made that choice with no consideration for me at all. Now I live with the ramifications of his actions. I will never be the same. I will never feel the same. What a waste of a wonderful love story. We had it all -- and he blew it.

I know you won't make the same mistake. I know how hard it is for you to not have the R with you W that you want right now, but just keep at it. It can happen. In our situation it was starting to happen, but my H choose to betray me anyway. And now the all hope is gone of having that wonderful love affair again in our marriage. It just can't be -- remember, the phantom players are still there. For me they will always be there.

Thanks for your words of encouragement.

Matilda

[lily]

Boy, this stuff just sucks.

Matilda, it's unfortunate that any of us are dealing w these situations re infidelity. I'll use a quote from somewhere. . ."there's no use worrying how the dead horse got here, deal w it".

That helps me.

If I had to chose an infidelity scenario, I'd choose yours.

Matilda, he chose to end it so he was able to feel guilt and remorse.

Because he ended it, you know that he knows she was just a fantasy; you know that he chose to come clean w you.

He has apologised in a sincere fashion.

He doesn't try to defend OW in any fashion.

You have physically seen/talked w her (and didn't wind up behind bars LOL).

Matilda, I did a little chart of the times I wound up on the emotional roller coaster. Each time seemed to be triggered by an emotion triggered by thoughts of OW. I had my last bad ride about a month ago. I needed H to reassure me and asked him for help.
At last C session H mentioned this roller coaster. C told me that it will come back again and again. It seems that she, in helping me heal, has determined that when the roller coaster shows up DUE TO MY SENSE OF ABANDONMENT FROM MY CHILDHOOD I need to nurture that little 12 year old that was hurt so long ago. She says that my sense of feeling needy goes way back there.

Matilda, it's hard to put these thoughts into words cause I'm still pondering the stuff she brought to light for us during a 2 1/2 hour session.

Without saying anything to H she was putting it in his face that I was dealing w an extreme amount of pain. My H didn't chose to end his A and consequently didn't go through the phase of guilt/remorse. C is triggering my emotions and H is witnessing my trauma. This isn't solution focused, but she's causing H to get in touch emotionally. This is scrambled eggs here, sorry.

Anyway, Matilda. Remember that you are his Lady. I'd love to wear your shoes for just a little while. To feel loved and to be told that I'm loved. Wow. I'd savor that for a long time.

[healedbutscarred]

Barb, My H's A didn't last very long. He met the XOW in May of 2000 when he was out of town on a golf trip. The PA didn't start until Nov. 2000. He was with her once that month,twice in Dec. and then once in Feb.2001. I found out about the A while he was out of town (not where she was thank goodness)in March 2001. He brought home the letters,pictures and cards she had sent him and "accidently" left them where I could find them! Anyway,when I confronted him he called her with me on the extension and told her that we had talked and that he had never stopped loving me and he wanted to work on fixing what had gone wrong in our marriage and that their relationship was over. She did contact him again the first part of April (sent him a birthday card and asked if they could be "friends"). Dummy that he was he responded to that email and did correspond with her ocassionally until I found out the 4th of July (he sent her an email birthday card -I saw it and it was tacky and all it said was have a happy birthday ). So once again I confronted him and told him that he had to choose what was more important to him -me and out marriage or this bimbo. I told him that I could not continue to work on US if she was in his life in ANY way. He immediately told her that there would be no further correspondence and she sent him a really "pitiful" good bye email. And as far as I know there has been no further correspondence and I have no reason to believe there has. It was really hard to accept that he had done this to me/to us. I forgave him because I loved him too much not to. He tried to explain why he did what he did (was unhappy and was under a lot of stress at work and he felt I wasn't being very understanding) but did admit that there was really no excuse for what he did. I for some reason transfered my anger to this B in heat. Guess I went through all the emotions toward my H when I discovered the A. I still at times cry when I think about what he did and I'm sure I will always shed a few tears but I am so much better after a year has past and the times I think about the A are getting fewer and the pain is getting duller. We both have made changes in ourselves and we are happier and more in love than ever. While it is true that he messed up big time and almost destroyed something very special,we had a lot of love for each other inside and we were able to get back on track. I know it is hard to believe that if you love someone enough you could hurt them in this way but I honestly feel you can love someone and still hurt them but if that love is deep and strong you can work things out. I still get a horrible feeling when I see something on tv about infidelity or read something about it. It causes me to get a bit sad and brings back memories I want to forget. This also has gotten better with time. My H doesn't understand why I have this need to continue talking about the A and I wish I could explain how and why it helps to talk like this to complete strangers when I couldn't even talk to my best friend. It helps to know that there are lots of women like me out there,going through what I am. I only wish that every woman out there could have the same outcome from an A that I did. Sometimes all I can do is tell them that I am here whenever they need to rant,rave,scream,cry or just talk. I care about each and every one of you and will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers.
Matilda, YOU ARE A STRONG WOMAN and YOU ARE A FIGHTER!! I know that you are going to make it through all this. Your H should know that he is a very lucky man!! You are healing even though at times you may feel like you never will. Believe me I have been there and there were times when I got down on my knees and prayed that the pain would stop!! I will always have a patched place in my heart where my H ripped it by cheating. But it is patched and even though it is is still "sore" it isn't nearly as painful as it was!
Well,I hope you all stuck with me even though I have written a novel! Take care and HANG IN THERE!!!! Pfroglady

Pfroglady:: than you for being open & honest with me. I'm not sure if I can ever get over this. My H is still sure he wants to be with Maggot & hurts me in every possible way. I don't know if I love him enough to work through this. I certainly know it would take a lot. I have been DBing for 5 months now, but all I seem to have managed is to hold off the D or talk of it. I can't stay in limbo forever. I want my H to get through the fog so I can see where we are. I haven't been able to keep him from hurting me more. I wish their affair would die a natural death, but they are both in MLC & believe they are destined to be together - why don't I believe it? It just happened so fast - right out of the blue - he barely knew her & jumped right in after 30 years of total faithfulness. It just doesn't add up. I will try & stay out of their drama.
Barb

[ANS]

Hi Matilda,

Thanks for your post on my thread.

With all of these wonderful ladies who have much more experience than I, I feel a little out of my depth in posting to you, but I guess I won’t keep my inexperienced mouth shut

Something about pfroglady’s book struck me. The 5 big falsehoods about infidelity.

1) A is about sex

Y’know? In a way, I feel betrayed by my W, despite the fact that there was no A. She abandoned me for other friends. Of course, she never had sex with them, but she no longer had those feelings for me either. There was a point where she was more intimate (intillectually) with MF than with me. Is that not a sort of infidelity?

Guess that’s one reason why I have such a burning need to reconnect. I’ve lost something, and I want it back.

I know the sex part makes it harder for you. In that sense, I’m definitely luckier than you.

quote:Originally posted by matilda:

Anyway, about 3 months after he ended it with her he told me about it. The whole thing had been making him physically ill and he had to tell me. I wish he hadn't.

Yes, if he hadn’t told you, then the phantoms would not be there. I truly hope that in time you can make them go away. Like I said, you can’t unring the bell, but I still hope that time will make these feelings fade.

quote:Originally posted by matilda:

By the way, Andy, in an earlier reply you said something about if I can just let go of the past we can "have the greatest relationship on earth." Never can happen, my friend. Not with infidelity as part of that relationship. It may be good again someday, but never, never like it could have been. That makes me so angry. He was stupid, stupid, stupid.

The only loss thing that I can think of in my life that is perhaps analogous, is the second most important loss in my life. When I was 15, my mother died. I was abandoned, and left to fend for my brother, sister, and myself. It took a long time for the pain to fade, but it did over a long time. I’m hoping that as time passes, your pain will fade too.

quote:Originally posted by matilda:

You have the opportunity to have the greatest R on earth. I believe that anything can be worked out - as long as you stay faithful and loyal to each other. Unfaithfulness is an impossible hurdle to overcome overcome. It leaves a lasting imprint on a person's very soul…

I know you won't make the same mistake. I know how hard it is for you to not have the R with you W that you want right now, but just keep at it. It can happen.

Yes, we’re faithful to each other sexually, but I’m not sure about the rest of it. Especially the loyalty part.

But enough about me. As to you, I agree with Lily…

quote:Originally posted by lily:

Anyway, Matilda. Remember that you are his Lady. I'd love to wear your shoes for just a little while. To feel loved and to be told that I'm loved. Wow. I'd savor that for a long time.

You are one fine lady, Matilda. Your H – as stupid as he has been – loves you. He wants a R with you. I’d savour it, too. And I think that you have all of the elements of the greatest R on earth. I know, the A can’t be erased. Hopefully, it’ll fade.

TTFN,
Andy