Still getting over it!!

[healedbutscarred]

LILY - My H is also the "it's over let's put it behind us" kind of guy! He did talk to me a lot when I needed to. We had another talk a few months ago and he said that he doesn't understand how you can put something behind you if you keep bringing it up. I tried to explain to him that talking about it helps. He just doesn't see it that way. So when I feel the need to talk I come here. It does help! I think honestly that I have all the answers I'm going to ever get from him and to be honest I really know all I need to know. It has been a year and a month since I discovered the A and as I tell Matilda all the time - it has gotten better and easier to live with as time has gone by. I realized that I am a stronger person than I ever thought I was and my faith has seen me through everything. I am very fortunate that my H never stopped loving me and we were able to fix what had gone wrong in our marriage. I wish that everyone could have the happy ending I have had. I have lost 80 pounds,let my hair grow,quit bitting my nails and have gained a LOT of self confidence. I am a WINNER and the XOW is a LOSER and she has to live with what she did and has to live the stigma of being the OW. She is less than nothing to me and I am confident that she was never a real threat and is not a threat now. My H has to live with what he did and has to forgive himself. Don't know that he has but I do know that he is thankful that I forgave him and he is happy that he didn't lose me. He is trying so hard to make me never regret forgiving him. I may never really understand why he did what he did but I chose to forgive and I am healing now and must continue to heal until the A is just an unhappy memory.

[Duchess]

quote:Originally posted by lily:
I'm strong. I'm dignified. I'm competent.

(. . .and I have 2 thongs!!!!!)

Lily, I bought 2 pairs of thongs but NOT for wearing.. do ya wear 'em..

You are strong Lily..we all are here..and getting stronger each day.

Hi Matilda, just got thru reading aout your latest exploits.I guess confronting XOW really did work for you..I know it wouldn't for me..would be a nail in the coffin to be sure.

Still I do fantasize about it.

Duchess

[matilda]

Hi, everyone.

You know, maybe I'm just being stubborn here (not unheard of for me), but this was not just a "mistake" that can be so easily forgiven and gotten over. This was not a one-night stand. This was a conscious decision made many times over to violate my trust and betray my love. And the thing that is probably making it so hard is that just weeks before he decided to go ahead with the PA we had started a fantastic reconnection (I thought) in our marriage. We stayed up talking and making love until 3 o'clock in the morning almost every night for weeks. We were making love2-3 times a day. We were having fun, acting like teenagers, falling in love all over again. And that is what he told me, that he had fallen in love with me all over again and that I had saved his life. How do you go from that to the bed of another woman? How do you lie and deceive the person you supposedly love like that? How do you have the desire or even the stamina to want to be with another woman?

And then if I can get over all that, how do I get over the fact that this was not the first time?

This isn't looking good, is it? I need to go. I'm doing no one any good here right now, including myself. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Thanks for being here for me.

Matilda

[matilda]

Andy,

That "team spirit" you talked about -- he threw me off the team, and I was too stupid to even know it. I'm all for being a team, but only when it was just the two of us. Now, there are two phantom members of this team, and I don't want to play with them. Maybe it's time to become a free agent.

Lily,

I have a few thongs also -- boy are they uncomfortable. I've spent my life pulling my underwear out from you know where , and now I'm putting it there on purpose? Crazy.
Sometimes I feel strong and confident. Certainly after confronting the B I feel a lot stronger. But when it comes to my H's actions, which are really all that matters to me, the pain is still staggering.

Pfroglady:

My H is one of those "let's not talk about it and maybe it'll go away, it's all in the past" kinda guys, too. I think men are built that way -- it's over, it's done, let's move on. Women need to hash things out, talk it to death, and finally just get sick to death of it before we can put it in the past.

That's what I'm hoping will happen in my case. I need to talk about all the really awful negative feelings here and with MC (not H anymore) until I just am so tired of the whole thing that it will fade away. (See I'm already calming down from my negative post above). My H will still talk about it with me when I need to, but I'm trying very hard to not bring it up.

Last night he asked me what I was doing this morning. I reminded him that I had an appt with MC, and then just dropped it. This morning he called on my cell phone and asked how it went. I just said, "Same as usual," and dropped it. Usually I start telling him everything, but not this time. When I got home he had e-mailed me: "think good thoughts. I hope appt with MC was not depressing." When I called him I didn't mention it at all. When he asks tonight, I'll tell him I don't want to talk about it right now. That'll probably drive him nuts.

Also last night I asked him why he never looks at me anymore. He told me he does, but only when he won't catch my eye. He doesn't like me looking at him because he feels ashamed. I didn't reply to that. I just went to sleep. I think that really surprised him cuz in his e-mail this morning he also mentioned walking over the to the high school tonight for a meeting we need to attend. He said, "It will be dark and maybe I won't feel so bad when you look at me." I wrote back: "It will still be light when we go over there, but I'll try to avert my eyes (supposed to be funny )". Then I said, "It's very sad we can't look at each other without you feeling ashamed. I really miss looking into your eyes." He didn't reply.

Anyway, I'm trying to keep things to myself as much as possible. It helps to get it out here.

Bye again,

Matilda

[matilda]

Forgot to tell you that when I confronted the XOW, she looked AWFUL . And I do mean awful. No make-up. Big red blotches on her face, around her mouth. Made a rude comment about her to H about her looks. He agreed!! Said he never considered her a match for me in that or any other department. Then WTF! What a waste. And for that I have to go through this pain. Damn, I'm angry again.

But, girls, can't you just imagine that if you were the OW you'd at least want to look your best while being confronted by the wife? My H and her ex-H said she thinks she's irrestible and just the cutest thing going. YUCK!

Believe me, I looked great when I went over there - even for being at the beach. I hope she felt a shitty as she looked.

Meow, catty, huh? But I thought the gals especially would know I mean.

Again, Bye.

[healedbutscarred]

Matilda, We women who have been betrayed by our H's have every right to be catty or anything else we want to be!! Our H's gave us the right to feel whatever we want and to do whatever we want concerning them and the OW when they started the A!! I saw a picture of this B and she wasn't ugly but she sure wasn't all that great to look at either. I know that I had kind of "let myself go" because I was depressed and unhappy and I guess if I'd had a picture in my mind of a woman my H would go for she would have been young,slim,petite and very attractive. This woman was none of those things. She was just average looking and looked a bit on the plump side and she is only 5 years younger than me. My H said she was easy to talk to and she really listened to him and she seemed to understand him . I still sometimes wonder if she was something "special" in bed and that drives me crazy sometimes but I am getting better at putting those images out of my mind.I did talk about thses feeling to H and he didn't have much to say about the sex with her. I told him about my fears concerning what she did to and for him and he tried to assure me that I have always satisfied him in that way and that the A wasn't just about sex. I do know that I am satisfying my H "in everyway" and I know that I am looking GOOD now that I have lost 80 pounds and H is proud of me!! I too have days when I think about the XOW and would love to pull her hair out and tell her just what I think of her and then I have days when I'd love to tell my H what a JERK he was for doing what he did. But those times are getting fewer and fewer and when they do come,they only last a brief time and aren't nearly as painful. I was thinkig yesterday that maybe I got "closure" with my H but never got it with the XOW. Maybe I do need to write her or even call her and have a "heart to heart" with her!! I can't email her because she changed her email address after the last time I sent her an email !! I haven't tried to call her (maybe she changed her call & home # too in order to keep me from calling her again !!) Bet she didn't move though and I have her address at home and work !! Anyway,when I do get those thoughts of contacting her I also think that it has been so long now what's the point. I honestly believe that if I did contact her,she would use this as an excuse to contact my H again and I DO NOT WANT THAT TO HAPPEN!! I prayed for her to be out of our lives and she is. Believe me I don't want anything to bring her back into our lives!! So I guess I will just vent here and continue to write down what I am feeling and pray!! All of the above helps me and has gotten me where I am today !! So here I go again with my "HANG IN THERE" speech and my "THINGS DO GET BETTER WITH TIME" speech!! Take care and remember that you can "let it all out" here with us and be as CATTY as you feel like being!!!!

[ANS]

quote:Originally posted by matilda:

That "team spirit" you talked about -- he threw me off the team, and I was too stupid to even know it. I'm all for being a team, but only when it was just the two of us. Now, there are two phantom members of this team, and I don't want to play with them. Maybe it's time to become a free agent.

It's your call, Matilda

You've said that you admire me for sticking things out. I have to say that I admire you for sticking things out. I honestly don't know how I would have reacted if my W had an A. All I can say is that your H wants to kick the phantoms off the team. Wishes he never drafted them. From his perspective, they're out. gone. cut from the team.

If there was any way he could get them out of your mind, you know he'd do it. But there's nothing he can do.

The ball's in your court.

Andy

[matilda]

Andy,

The thing he could have done and should've done was never drafted them in the first place. Of course, there's nothing to be done about that now. But why in hell didn't he think of the consequences before he made the move? His answer, "I was stupid, selfish, didn't ever want you to find out." So that makes it okay, cuz he never wanted me to find out?

I know the ball's in my court. The problem is I never wanted to play this game. I knew I wouldn't be any good at it. I'm very competitive and I hate to lose. I feel like a real loser right now. However, I am still hanging in there. I'm not ready to give up. Too much at stake.

M

[Duchess]

I'm with you Matilda.I hate to lose also. I especially hate to lose to a stinkin' OW...

Duchess

[ April 11, 2002, 12:54 PM: Message edited by: Duchess ]

[ANS]

Yeah, Matilda. Please don't think that I don't sympathize. Like I said, I have nothing but admiration for you.

I guess I can sympathize with your H too, though. I'm sure that he doesn't think that being stupid makes it okay. I've done stupid things that have consequences, and I can't come up with excuses either.

But, ya can't unring the bell.

You're one of the biggest winners I've encountered, Matilda. I know you won't give up.

Andy