Well, I re-read what I wrote above. Gotta clear up one thing. When I said I'm a bad mother, what I meant and what I actually said was, "I'm one bad m-u-t-h-e-r. No one is going to mess with me or my family and get away with it. " I then proceeded to tell him I realized that I didn't "need" him; that I can stand up for myself in any situation, but that I do love him and want him very much. Like I said above, there was a certain amount of -- I guess, respect, you could say, coming from him for what I'd done.
But on a more pleasant subject, like I said, our anniversary (Friday the 5th), was great. H put on our anniversary song and we danced in the motorhome. H hates to dance. He can't dance. I love to dance. So he danced with me because he knows I love it and he wants to make me happy. While we were dancing he said, "Pretty bad, huh?" I told him, as I've told him many times over the years, "It's not how well you dance. It's just great to be held close and sway with the music. It's just that you do something that you don't feel comfortable doing because you know I love doing it. I know you're doing it just because you love me."
We took a long walk on the beach and talked only about happy things. We looked at some of our wedding pictures. We talked about all the funny things that happened the day we got married. Our best friends took us out to dinner (left all kids behind). I didn't even obsess (on that day) about the fact that his XOW lives only 3-4 miles from where we were staying, and probably on 2 miles from where we had our anniversary dinner. Went back to the campground and sat around the campfire with friends and family, laughing and having a great time. We decided against making love on the beach for the reasons stated above. Much more fun in our own bed with music playing and soft lights. (Kids all sleep in a tent outside with all their friends, so we were free to be as creative as we wanted . It was lovely.
No more bad talks for the rest of the time we were there. Just hand-holding, hugs, kisses, talking about all our wonderful memories. 6 weeks ago when we were there I rated the trip as a 7 on a scale of 1-10. This last week was probably an 8.5, even counting the confrontation with XOW -- actually, that probably kicked up the rating a little. I ROCK!!
Gotta go for now. I've already written two books here. Love to all, Matilda
WAY TO GO MATILDA!!!!! I think you did great confronting that B!! I would have loved to see the look on her face!! There are times when I imagine confronting XOW myself but since we don't go where she is much and when we go we never see her, I never get the chance. I have a vivid imagination though. Anyway,sounds like the anniversary went REAL WELL !! You sound like you are doing so much better!! I understand the resentment thing. I still every once in a while look at my H and think to myself "How could you do what you did"" and I sometimes still get a little down about it but he is good at making me feel sooooo much better !! It was great to hear from you and I am so glad that things went so well. I am proud of you for confronting the B and it is great to know that you are feeling so good!! Keep it up girl!!!! I'll be checking in again from time to time. Pfroglady
You know what, Andy, I think you're right. I think I do have a sense of relief and closure, at least for the OW. I was kind of stuck in my thinking about her, especially knowing she lives in the place we've spent so many happy days. It was really bothering me that she could walk into my life, screw it up, and walk away leaving H and me to pick up the pieces.
The fact that she'd done this before, at least two times, really got to me. All this time I felt I needed to do whatever I could to prevent her going after someone else's H. Believe me, I know it was all my H's responsiblity to not get involved in this mess, but it does take two to tango. I think maybe next time she just might think of our confrontation before she "goes after" another married man just because she's "lonely." I think she's really terrified of me and what I might do next. And, God forgive me, I quite enjoy remembering the look on her face; the begging for my forgiveness; etc. She's pathetic, and I let her know just how pathetic she is.
So at least now I'm left with the sense of relief that I didn't let them walk all over me. I needed that in dealing with my H, too. Sometimes I feel like I've made it too easy for him. That's the issue I'm dealing with now. Anger is starting to rear it's ugly head, and I feel tough times are still ahead. Maybe the sense of empowerment I feel over confronting the OW is carrying over into a sense of "How dare you do this to me." I don't know. I just know it's all still very confusing, and I feel like I haven't gotten off that rollercoaster yet.
The thing is, when H and I are together I can put aside the anger and resentment because I like being with him and I like interacting with him. But it's those times when I'm by myself (all day!) that the feelings of anger, mistrust, total outrage clamp down on me and I can't seem to shake them loose. I'm beginning to fear that what my H fears may come true: If I can't stop this spiral of anger someday I'll end up hating him. I really don't want that to happen. We've built a wonderful life, have a great family, and even after all this there is still love and friendship between us. Can it last? To be or not to be, that is the question!
Glad to hear that you’re leaving the OW behind you. I hope that what you did will make her a better person. Yes, she is pathetic. In that respect, I pity her. Perhaps seeing up close what her behavior has done will make her stronger. Strong enough to resist her urges, and strong enough not to seek pity from men because she’s “lonely.”
I fully understand what you’re saying about feeling different when your H is around. I go through the same thing (albeit for different reasons). Guess our negative feelings melt away when we see the human being, with all their weaknesses, instead of the fearful person of our immaginations.
My sense is that your anger won’t spiral uncontrollably. You don’t want that to happen, so it won’t. You have more control over your feelings than you think, and over time, the positive will overcome the negative. You’ve built a wonderful life, have a great family, and even after all this there is still love and friendship between you. It will last. No Question
Matilda..I too think you will make it. You have a lot going for you. I think that you really needed to do what you did and it has made you feel better. Maybe more people should do what you did. I have honestly thought about writing a long letter to the XOW or calling her but it has been so long now and the feelings I used to have about confronting her are fading away. I know my H would tell me to do what I feel I have to do but now I just don't feel the need as much as I did. Oh,if we go back to where she lives and hangs out and I see her I have no doubt that I would confront her. I still have times when I get angry at her and even this morning I had a moment when I felt anger toward my H. He was at work and I just worked through it. I probably wouldn't have said anything to him had he been home. Today had just been a kind of "down day". It has been a long time since I have felt like I have today. Things really are getting so much better and I believe that just from the things you say that by the time you hit the year mark things will be so much better for you. Have you ever felt like you and your H were "just meant to be"? I have always felt like that. From the time we first met I somehow knew that he was "it" for me. I have always felt that we had something special. For awhile though we both "forgot" what we had and almost lost it. But the love we felt was always there and now we are back on track. I honestly feel that because of that love and because we were "meant to be" is why I could forgive what he did and we could work out the problem. As for the XOW. I think she was "desperate" for a man and I think she was "desperate" for someone to love and she didn't care that the man was married and she believed all the lies he told her. She was hurt but in my opinion she asked for it. When a woman hears the words "I'm married" she shouldn't even wait for the "but" that is to follow -she should run the other way. I guess there are just a lot of women out there who are selfish and just don't care. I did tell her in the email I sent her that I hoped she learned a lesson from this. Maybe next time she picks up a man in a night club he'll be single. I told her that the next married man she screws around with might not have a wife as nice as I was !! There is still part of me that wants her to see us together and see the love we share and feel real bad and feel sad too but as time goes by that feeling seems to be going away. Anyway,I think you did great and I think you did the right thing. If I was that XOW I would be feeling like the world's biggest SLUT after your visit and I would try hard to find a single man the next time I was "lonely" Pfroglady
I really don't expect my confronting this pathetic woman will make her a better person. I know quite a lot about her background -- have been in touch with her XH. She has no redeeming qualities, believe me. The trail of pain and destruction she has left in wake is incredible. Honestly, my intent was to scare her; to let her know she won't always get away with it and that next time the jilted wife might not be as nice as me and let her off the hook with just a verbal attack. It was really the only thing I could do to fight back for myself, my family, and all the other potential jilted wives in her future.
According to my H and her XH, she has a very high opinion of herself and wants people to see her a certain way. I made no bones about pointing out to her what she really is and that people were beginning to figure that out for themselves. I do think I did the right thing here. I had tried calling, e-mailing, etc. There is just nothing like a face-to-face to knock the socks of a person like that. You read so much here and other places about forgetting about the OP, they are not the problem just a symptom. I totally agree with this. But I feel that everyone must stand accountable for their actions and be ready to face the consequences. If more people confronted the OP, maybe there wouldn't be so much infidelity in the world. Pipe dreams, I know. I'm really not a Polly Anna. But I do think that, at least for some of us, confronting the OP is a good idea. I'm not sure I could have ever let it go if I hadn't done it.
Anyway, enough about her. She's history.
Pfroglady, yes, I know what you mean by "meant to be together." H and I have known each other since 7th grade. We went "steady" our senior year in H.S. and part of our first year of college. Life happened and we were apart for 10 years!! During that time we kept in touch sporatically. I knew deep in my heart that I still loved him, and he me. We were reunited at our 10-year H.S. reunion and married 3 years later. I knew - felt it in the depth of my soul - that I was the love of his life and that we were meant to be together. Don't you see that that is exactly why this is all so agonizing for me? We let each other get away once. I can't believe he'd take that chance again. And that's what is making me so angry right now.
I guess I feel that if you love somebody that much you just don't want to be with another person - no matter what's happening in your relationship. That is the way I felt. Things weren't always great. Sometimes I felt restless, wondered what it would be like, etc. Just fantasies. I just really didn't want another man. I could never have hurt my H that way anyway. I had too much respect for him and I am a very loyal person. I never would have given another man the opportunity to think "I'm better than her H because she's here with me," or the opportunity to think "Her H must really be a loser if she'd lie to him and deceive him in order to spread her legs for me." (Sorry. That was really crude. But it reminds me of something I told the OW in my confrontation. I said that after I'd told my H everything I knew about her he realized that he wasn't so special after all; that she'd probably spread her legs for just about anyone). Again, sorry for the crudeness. But, you see, that's exactly the opportunity my H gave this OW by being with her. The word is betrayed. He betrayed me big time and I'm not sure if I can get over that.
There are good, honest men out there who would never think about (or at least never act out) infidelity. And, Andy, I know you're one of those men. I really, truely, to the bottom of my soul thought I was married to one of those men. How could I misjudge a person so badly? How in God's name do I overcome the sense of betrayal; the sense that it will never be that good again; the sense that I will never be enough for him?
I know I have power over my feelings and emotions, although sometimes it doesn't feel that way. I'm trying to control myself around H, and doing a pretty good job of it most of the time. Please, Pfroglady, keep reminding me that things get better and better and that at the one-year mark there will be a big difference. That really helps, because you've been where I am and I need your continued support.
I do want to make this work. It's all up to me. H has put his future in my hands, has asked me to forgive him, has assured me over and over again that it will never happen again. I just simply don't know how to "get past it," because it just simply isn't that simple.
I too thought I had married one of those men who would never betray me and our marriage. Years and years ago we had a talk about infidelity because my H's uncle was a real SOB that cheated on his wife for all their married life. He swore he loved his wife more than anything and that theses OW were just for sex,fun and what he could get out of them! I know there are a lot of men out there who can separate sex and love but I'm sorry I can't do that! I could only have swx with someone I loved!! I had trusted that my H felt the same way. I have determined that he was just being totally selfish when he decided to have an A. He was unhappy and stressed out - well,poor baby!! I was unhappy too but that didn't give me liscense to go out and have sex with someone else in order to try and make myself feel better! He admits that there is no excuse for infidelity and that if he could go back and change what he did he would. I told him that he not only hurt me he let me down -he showed me that he was not the man I thought he was. I think maybe that hurt for him to hear. He called himself an AH and I totally agreed with him! I told him that he was thinking with the wrong head (sorry) !! Anyway,as for the XOW....I guess I should be thankful that she didn't try to tell me a lot of crap about my H and her together. She did allow her D to have my email address and she "ambushed" me on line one day with IM. I think she wouldn't talk to me that day I called her because she was afraid of what I had to say. I know she had been widowed for 10 years when my H started the A with her but as you say being lonely is no excuse for someone to screw around with a married man!! She is no threat to me and she means nothing to me. I am happy and I know my H loves me. I am healing more and more everyday and I am hopeful that soon her face will be a blur and the A just a distant unhappy memory. So hang in there Matilda - you are well on your way!!!
quote:Originally posted by matilda: I do want to make this work. It's all up to me. H has put his future in my hands, has asked me to forgive him, has assured me over and over again that it will never happen again. I just simply don't know how to "get past it," because it just simply isn't that simple.
Actually, it is that simple. That’s all there is left for you to do in order to have the greatest R on earth.
Simple – yes. Easy? Not on your life!
But you’ve done the first step.
quote:Originally posted by matilda: Anyway, enough about her. She's history.
She’s history. The next step is to put the memories behind you. It’s history. It looks to me like this is a much harder thing to do. The only “technique” that I can think of is to try to put the whole mess out of your mind. Of course, there are always little triggers to drag bad memories into your conciousness. The only thing you can do about that is to try to think of other things when the triggers are pulled. Like I said, I understand that this is not easy. Guess it’s just a matter of determination and time.
Another thought, Matilda. He’s put his future in your hands. He’s asked forgiveness, and there’s really nothing else he can do. But somewhere down the road, you’ve gotta get the “team spirit” going again. No advice on how to do that, but when you get this back, you’ll know you’ve arrived.
I met OW at a play she was in w my H last April 21st. I watched them kiss. I knew.
I asked and he denied.
A few months later, I asked again and again he denied.
In September, the bomb dropped and he admitted that there'd been OW but wouldn't give her name because he didn't have her permission.
Blew him away when I named her. "How'd you know?" "I'm perceptive".
In October, I called her apt and hung up. I so wanted to talk to her but felt she sh be the one to call me. I told H that I called her. He said he'd arrange a meeting but I said no thanks, she sh approach me.
Same month, I called her H to apologise to him. I told him that I wanted to forgive his wife and had called her but disconnected before she picked up the phone. He told me that she wouldn't want to talk w me. He said that his W DOESN'T MIND BEING WRONG; SHE DOESN'T LIKE TO BE TOLD SHE'S WRONG. IF I TALKED W HER, SHE'D JUST SHUT DOWN and tune me out. I hate to waste my efforts.
I told H about that.
In Jan, I wanted to smoothe out some of the wrinkles in my mind re the PA. H wanted to know why I kept taking him back to the scene of the murder. Duh.
I thought about this.
The A was a symptom of the problem.
It was ok to ask about the A once or twice to obtain data: I needed to know stuff so I could process my emotions.
Returning to the A was making the solution into a problem.
I don't need any more problems.
In February, I forgave her by faith. I don't have to like her, or condone her behavior, or allow her in my life. She is poison.
H will be scraping the residual of her off his karma for years. (Think dog poop). That's his problem, not mine. If he wants to talk, I'll listen.
Matilda, I'd love to be able to talk openly about the A w my H but he's not that way. He's a "put it behind us and let's get on with it" kind of guy.
Just so long as he understands that he must convey to our Son that Adultry is not to be part of his heritage then I'm cool.
![[Big Grin]](images/icons/grin.gif){kind=icon}
. It was lovely.
![[Razz]](images/icons/tongue.gif){kind=icon}
I have a vivid imagination though. Anyway,sounds like the anniversary went REAL WELL ![[Wink]](images/icons/wink.gif){kind=icon}
!! You sound like you are doing so much better!! I understand the resentment thing. I still every once in a while look at my H and think to myself "How could you do what you did"" and I sometimes still get a little down about it but he is good at making me feel sooooo much better