Updating......

[Gwyn]

WCW, I believe that you should be honest with H. Tell him, I have "chosen" to forgive you. This is a work in progress for me and I anticipate set backs, but I am determined to work through this and I would ask that you be patient with me. It is a journey and I want to go on this journey hand in hand with you. And then, you have to do the work. Personally, I have good days and I have bad days but the good is finally outweighing the bad and it will for you as well.

Pregnant, I understand that your in laws hurt you but to be in touch with you and your H while you were separated would have put them in the middle. Do you know if they supported your H's decision? Did they say that or are you assuming it? Why don't you just tell them that they hurt you through this but because they are your children's grandparent's you are willing to put this pain aside so that they can have a good relationship with their grandkids. Your R with them is immaterial. You only need to be cordial. Remember when you forgive someone it doesn't mean that you have to jump right into that R. You are free to never have a R with that person again. But you MUST NOT hold the offense against them. My advise is to you that friends come and go but family will always be family and I believe that you need to work on that.

[pregnant&DBing]

Do you know if they supported your H's decision? Did they say that or are you assuming it?

My MIL wrote to me in a letter, "I'm sure, as a mother, you understand that I had to support my son." But his dad outright supported H's decision. H told me that after he left, his dad said, "Well, I wasn't too crazy about some of her ways anyway..." He went on to detail exactly the problems his dad said he had with me. BTW, H has no respect for his dad, which I believe is one of the reasons H freaked out so badly about becoming a dad himself (my two daughters, BTW, are from a previous M. My son is my H's first child).

I know I'll eventually have to say something to them, because I do harbor some resentment toward them ... and justifiably so. On the one hand, I don't feel it's my problem to fix. I didn't do anything to cause their son to leave me high-and-dry when I was pregnant; how would I know that the fear of being a father would make him snap? And I didn't do anything to deserve them turning their backs on me, either. I don't fix things that I didn't break. That's why, to date, I haven't had much to say to them.

I have been very kind to them, though, even inviting them into my home the week that my son was born. That took a lot for me to do; mainly because I didn't want *anyone* in my house the week I brought home a newborn, much less the people who I feel turned their backs on my son and me.

My MIL, the week they were here, said, "I'm so sorry you had to go through part of your pregnancy alone; I feel like we abandoned you."

She opened the door for me to tell her how I really feel, but I didn't walk through it.

You see, my H and I have pinpointed that some of our communication problems can be traced back to how our individual families communicated. His family is the typical "Cleaver" home. Mom stays home and cooks and cleans and keeps her mouth shut while dad stays out in the garage and dictates everything that's going on in the house.

Surprisingly, it's the same way with my parents ... but I broke the mold because I couldn't stand to watch my mom bowing down to my dad. Don't get me wrong, I love my dad to death. The problem is, I take after him. I say what's on my mind. I deal with problems by grabbing them by the horns, and I won't come up for air until a solution has been reached.

My H, on the other hand, takes after his mom. If she's mad at her H, she won't say anything to him. She just walks outside and breaks a plate on the driveway, then walks back inside with a smile on her face.

In other words, my family confronts issues; H's runs away from them. That has caused some issues with H and me, but we have identified that, and we're working on it. Neither way is the "right" way to communicate; we're just meeting in the middle.

I'm trying to do the same with his parents. I don't want to fly off the handle with them and say something that's going to hurt them. I thought that maybe enough time would just make my resentment go away, but that hasn't happened. And that's usually a sign that it's not going anywhere until I confront it.

How I go about doing that is the question. I'm not responsible for their reaction to my feelings, though, so if I happen to "unleash," I'm not really willing to hold back in an attempt to keep from hurting their feelings; they didn't worry about hurting mine, either.

Because of what his mom said, I know she's already feeling bad for what she did. And I wouldn't talk to her, or write to her, with the intent of making her feel worse. In fact, me telling her how I feel has nothing to do with *her*. It has everything to do with me releasing this poison that is growing inside me so that I can work on having a more healthy relationship with them in the future -- and not for my children's sake, but for mine.

Sheesh. Do you charge for your psychiatric help?

Your R with them is immaterial. You only need to be cordial.

I guess you're right, but I'm the world's worst at "faking" my feelings. They'd see right through me. Until I can truly forgive -- to the point of being able to have a R with them again -- I just can't pretend. That's exactly what I've been grappling with. I just can't pretend anymore. I know his mom senses it; she knows me very well.

I guess I'm just waiting, too, for them to say, "I'm sorry for what we did to you," instead of, "I'm sorry you had to go through this alone; I feel like we abandoned you."

Ya know, this could be so very picky of me, playing with words and such, but why can't she just come out and say, "I'm sorry for abandoning you?" I dunno. It's really neither here nor there, I guess. I just know I eventually have to say something to them ...

[cat03]

Gwyn, my H had an EA and now and then I still remember, I used to think about it constantly and it drove me mad, just recently I stopped looking through his stuff, that's how bad I was feeling. I hope you are able to let that monkey off your back, it does feel awful but I pray you feel free of those feelings soon.

Preg&DB'ng- I still can't let go of the issues I have with my MIL either, I know I should forgive her too, it is just not the same, I can' act the way I used to with her (well, to begin with we weren't best friends either) But I do try my darnest to be civil and nice for the kids, they really like her.

[cat03]

HA! I read my prev post to Gwyn and I laugh, me telling you to forgive, your post gave me courage to decide to forgive my H, I was looking for your post and glad I found it again, I'm still trying to get the mental picts I've created for myself after I found (Sat) an old letter that H wrote to OW.

Your words have made a huge difference in me Gwyn, thank you so much

[WCW]

Thanks Gwyn. My problem with being honest with H is that he has never admitted to any wrongdoing, so by saying I forgive him will burst open a whole beehive of something that he would still deny. I think I need to aim more at the pain we have caused and lived with over the last almost 3 years, without referring to what started it all. I have told him in the past that I think we can work thru this and move on to be better than we ever were. Not much response from him. Does that make sense in how to approach this with him?

[Gwyn]

I'm grateful that I am helping. So many wonderful people helped me to get where I am today that I'm glad that I can return to some of you my victories.

Remember, love is patient, kind and keeps no records of wrongdoings. With that said, you H will never find peace within himself until he repents and then he can get where you are. I believe for now, your job is to be patient. Don't get real heavy in relationship talk, actions speak louder than words. You change! Put the past behind you and make changes within yourself that you are not happy with. IMHO, when you're happy with yourself you radiate happiness on others. It's contagious.

It's all very, very hard. I'll admit that. I have to get up every morning reminding myself that I will not go down the road of misery today. What for? Does it change anything? Does it make me happy? Does it show that I am a strong person? Heck no. Well guess what? I can't change the past, but I can change my future. I want to be happy and I AM a strong person. So daily I decide to radiate those qualities!

We all can survive without our significant other - we just choose not to! So okay, let's choose to get the job done. Marriage is hard work. Being once divorced already, I can tell you being married is harder than being single. But I love being married so dang it, I have chosen to work hard at my marriage, just like my day time job, because at the end of the day, I feel like it's a job well done.

Keep on showing your love. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. I believe that sums it up. "always hopes, always perserves." So to love and to show it, I believe this is what you need to practice.

One more thing I would like to add and that's the prayer of serenity. I say this to myself often.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.

Hope this helps.

[cat03]

I feel like I"m all new to this again, after all my effords when my H was away I'l like a child knocking down all the domino pieces witha swipe in impatience.

*******SIGH*************** I guess I do radiate that I'm not trusting him or something, I do try to be me and not to play any games, I know that sarcasm drove us to be ugly to one another and I have stopped that.
You are right, I'm not going dotnw the road of misery today, the good Lord will give me strenght where I have none. I need to memorize the Corintians verse, it truly hits the spot.

[Gwyn]

Just updating.

Friday night was my 30 year class reunion. Me and H went and without sounding conceited, I looked fabulous! What an ego trip! I really felt pretty. Anyway, everyone was complimenting me and my H just sat there! He didn't know what to say when I was receiving the compliments. I know that he was proud to be with me, but I also believe that he was a little jeleous of me getting so much attention. Of course, I acted like a lady and didn't let on that I was getting a kick out of it. H just seemed so distant, maybe because he didn't know too many people there, or maybe that he wondered how many people knew about his infidelity. I don't know. My friend (female) of 35 years looked at me straight in the face and told me "girl, any man here or anywhere for that matter, would fall all over themselves to be with you". H asked me later, why do you love me so much?! I told him because I choose to, it isn't an emotional thing, it's something that I want to do. I know that I'm sounding like I'm tooting my own horn, but this is a testimony to all you out there - do something for yourself. Make yourself feel and look great, it does wonders for your self esteem and even if you aren't happy, personify that you are! People enjoy being around people that are happy.

I love my H very much and I know that he loves me. He fights with himself daily, I can see it in his face and I may be assuming too much, but sometimes I believe he thinks it's only a matter of time before someone sweeps me off my feet and he wouldn't blame me if I left. I'm not leaving and I'm committed to my marriage, all I'm trying to do is to continue taking care of myself and doing the things that I want to do to make MYSELF feel better. I've quit depending on him to make me happy. IMHO, you have to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with someone else.

Thanks for listening. Wow, I feel good! And, I KNOW, without a shadow of a doubt, that me and my H are going to make it! It takes work, but so does everything else in life. ALL OF US HERE CAN GET THROUGH THIS!!!!

[WCW]

Wow Gwyn, how great to read this! and good for you, kickin' butt at the reunion! I hope some day I'll get to a point to have that same type of conversation with a man that loves me, and maybe it will be H. Sigh....

[cat03]

you go girl!