Do you know if they supported your H's decision? Did they say that or are you assuming it?
My MIL wrote to me in a letter, "I'm sure, as a mother, you understand that I had to support my son." But his dad outright supported H's decision. H told me that after he left, his dad said, "Well, I wasn't too crazy about some of her ways anyway..." He went on to detail exactly the problems his dad said he had with me. BTW, H has no respect for his dad, which I believe is one of the reasons H freaked out so badly about becoming a dad himself (my two daughters, BTW, are from a previous M. My son is my H's first child).
I know I'll eventually have to say something to them, because I do harbor some resentment toward them ... and justifiably so. On the one hand, I don't feel it's my problem to fix. I didn't do anything to cause their son to leave me high-and-dry when I was pregnant; how would I know that the fear of being a father would make him snap? And I didn't do anything to deserve them turning their backs on me, either. I don't fix things that I didn't break. That's why, to date, I haven't had much to say to them.
I have been very kind to them, though, even inviting them into my home the week that my son was born. That took a lot for me to do; mainly because I didn't want *anyone* in my house the week I brought home a newborn, much less the people who I feel turned their backs on my son and me.
My MIL, the week they were here, said, "I'm so sorry you had to go through part of your pregnancy alone; I feel like we abandoned you."
She opened the door for me to tell her how I really feel, but I didn't walk through it.
You see, my H and I have pinpointed that some of our communication problems can be traced back to how our individual families communicated. His family is the typical "Cleaver" home. Mom stays home and cooks and cleans and keeps her mouth shut while dad stays out in the garage and dictates everything that's going on in the house.
Surprisingly, it's the same way with my parents ... but I broke the mold because I couldn't stand to watch my mom bowing down to my dad. Don't get me wrong, I love my dad to death. The problem is, I take after him. I say what's on my mind. I deal with problems by grabbing them by the horns, and I won't come up for air until a solution has been reached.
My H, on the other hand, takes after his mom. If she's mad at her H, she won't say anything to him. She just walks outside and breaks a plate on the driveway, then walks back inside with a smile on her face.
In other words, my family confronts issues; H's runs away from them. That has caused some issues with H and me, but we have identified that, and we're working on it. Neither way is the "right" way to communicate; we're just meeting in the middle.
I'm trying to do the same with his parents. I don't want to fly off the handle with them and say something that's going to hurt them. I thought that maybe enough time would just make my resentment go away, but that hasn't happened. And that's usually a sign that it's not going anywhere until I confront it.
How I go about doing that is the question. I'm not responsible for their reaction to my feelings, though, so if I happen to "unleash," I'm not really willing to hold back in an attempt to keep from hurting their feelings; they didn't worry about hurting mine, either.
Because of what his mom said, I know she's already feeling bad for what she did. And I wouldn't talk to her, or write to her, with the intent of making her feel worse. In fact, me telling her how I feel has nothing to do with *her*. It has everything to do with me releasing this poison that is growing inside me so that I can work on having a more healthy relationship with them in the future -- and not for my children's sake, but for mine.
Sheesh. Do you charge for your psychiatric help?
Your R with them is immaterial. You only need to be cordial.
I guess you're right, but I'm the world's worst at "faking" my feelings. They'd see right through me. Until I can truly forgive -- to the point of being able to have a R with them again -- I just can't pretend. That's exactly what I've been grappling with. I just can't pretend anymore. I know his mom senses it; she knows me very well.
I guess I'm just waiting, too, for them to say, "I'm sorry for what we did to you," instead of, "I'm sorry you had to go through this alone; I feel like we abandoned you."
Ya know, this could be so very picky of me, playing with words and such, but why can't she just come out and say, "I'm sorry for abandoning you?" I dunno. It's really neither here nor there, I guess. I just know I eventually have to say something to them ...
