Hopefully, some of you will remember me. I would link my old, but I frankly don't know how. I left this forum and went to "I'm Thinking About Leaving" so if you want to catch up,please feel free to find my posts there.
I went to that forum because I didn't think I could stay with my H. Not because he hasn't tried to piece, but because I couldn't seem to get past his A and it just wasn't healthy for me. I came to the conclusion that I was too damaged and it wasn't in my best interest to stay. Sometimes, I still feel that way but most of the time, me and my H are really good together. The only thing that I believe he does frequently is to lie to me. In the grand scale of things, they are pretty insignificant lies, but nonetheless lies. Oh well, enough of the negative, let me share some of the positives.
We have been enjoying our time together, we fish just about every weekend and loving it. But the real thing that touched me was that yesterday, before we went fishing, he bought a CD - Greatest Hits of Bread. The song came on and he started singing it to me, with his heart. It was "I would give anything I own, give up my life, my heart, my home, I would give anything I own, just to have you back again" Boy, that was a turning point for me! I have to try to make my M work, there is no way that I would ever find grass greener than what I have now.
Am I still hurt, oh yeah, am I over the pain of the A, not completely, but I know that I have to work through this on my own, he can't do any more than what he is already doing, so now it's up to me. Do I want my M, or do I want to dissolve it? I know the answer to that, I want my M, so I'm going to do what I can to salvage it. I'm ready to do the "hard" work. For the first time in a year and two months, I feel that I have some clear direction.
I am truely hoping for a better future. The past has sucked for me so why in the world would I want to live there? How stupid is that?
One more thing, we went to the early service yesterday before we went out in the boat and the sermon was on "unforgiveness" Per the sermon, remember the Bible verse, the Wages of Sin is Death? Unforgiveness is a sin. And if you choose not to forgive you will have some death, albeit the death of a M, relationship with children, relationship with family, whatever it is that that you don't unforgive. Again, it spoke volumes to me.
I just wanted to share my most recent journeys with you all.
Hey, Gywn. I respect the decision you've made and, of course, wish you all the best in your efforts to forgive. May I suggest a book for you, just in case you haven't read it? It's called, "How Can I Forgive You? : The Courage To Forgive, the Freedom Not To," by Janis A. Spring. I read the book some time ago, and it helped me put a lot of things into perspective.
Let me ask you something, just because this has been on my mind a lot lately, and I think it could help us all to really chew on it:
What *is* forgiveness, anyway? Is it a decision, or is it a feeling? Neither? Both?
I don't have the answer; perhaps it's different for everybody. What are your thoughts on it?
I believe unforgiveness, like love, is a choice, not a feeling. Feelings come and go, choices help to keep your feet planted. I have this Bible verse on my bulletin board at work and I refer to it during the day. "Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice; be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you" Ephesians 4:31-32. Hard, oh yeah! Do I "FEEL" like I should forgive him, no. But I must! Otherwise, I will fertilize the "unforgiveness" seed that has been planted and it will grow and grow until it becomes a full grown "bitterness" plant. I could go on and on about this and it is my testimony and if you want more information about this, I'll be glad to share it but I did want to answer your question.
My decision to work things out with my H is harder than cutting and running. I think I would heal a lot faster if he wasn't in my face everyday, but you know what? No one is guaranteed an "easy" life. I would not want to choose this life, but it is what it is. I now have a "choice". I can either live with my H or I can leave my H. Either way, I know that I will be blessed, but right now, I believe that God has me where he wants me. If he has another plan for me, then in his time, he will reveal this to me. I have to have faith!
Now to answer your question more directly, love is not a feeling! To love someone is a choice. I also believe forgiveness is a choice. I have to wake up every morning and go to bed every night choosing to "forgive". As I do this, it helps me to walk the walk and talk the talk. It, by far, is the hardest thing I have every done, but I'm determined. Whether or not my M survises, don't know, but either way, I will be okay and to forgive will help me in other relationships. As it was, I would have never given my heart to anyone, but with forgiveness, I know that I would be able to.
Anyway, I hope I've answered your question. I'll be checking in.
Yes, I agree with you that forgiveness, like love, is a choice. I think to believe that love is a feeling, and not a choice, is what gets people into the messes we've all found ourselves in, ya know?
My family tells me I'm the most forgiving person they've ever known. I say: It's either that, or I'm the most insane person they've ever known.
Though I walked in on my H and OW in bed together -- and though that happened when I was four months pregnant and the day after H and I found out I was carrying his son -- and though in the meantime, my H got OW pregnant, too -- I still took my H back and vowed to do everything in my power to make our love work.
But forgiveness, for me, obviously doesn't stop there. And I haven't found that it's something I can snap my fingers and make happen. Perhaps that's because forgiveness isn't a black-and-white issue.
I know how I feel. I have *decided* to forgive my H. But I'm still not sure I know what that truly means. I mean, for the most part, I can even *feel* forgiveness. But sometimes, a memory creeps up, and I don't *feel* so forgiving at that moment. I don't *want* to forgive. But somehow, I pull myself together and realize I can and will continue practicing forgiveness.
I also know that after choosing to forgive my H, I have found that I can't make myself feel that same way for his friends and his family, who turned their backs on me alongside H ... no questions asked. I feel that I have run slap out of forgiveness, quite frankly.
And though that's not seemingly a very good place to be, it's where I am right now. Here I am, the "most forgiving person" in the world apparently, and I've run out of forgiveness. Right now, I'm giving it all to my H. But at least he came after it first; otherwise, I could have run out before he needed it.
I'm hoping my feelings for his friends and family will change in time. I'm relying on that.
Anyway, didn't mean to hijack here. My intent was to pick your brain about forgiveness; perhaps it's a more touchy subject in my life than even I realized.
I don't feel like your hijacking my thread. As you may have read, the sermon last Sunday was on "unforgiveness". I want to share with you what I learned from the sermon.
Steps of knowing that you've truly forgiven:
1. Stop bringing up the offense to the offender. 2. Stop bringing up the offense to others (except here of course). AND THE HARDEST OF ALL.... 3. Stop bringing the offense up to yourself.
When we get there, I think without question we truly have forgiven. The preacher went on to say that it won't be easy and it is a process, just like anything else in life that you have to learn. But we CAN do it as long as we set our mind to it.
I must say, you have been through a lot! God be with you and strengthen you. Remember, this is a journey and at some point, we'll make it. It may not be with our H, but we will make it and that's what is important. I've learned to take care of myself, not to fret about what H is and isn't doing. I'm happy because I "choose" to be happy. He's unhappy because he brought the unhappiness to himself and it's his battle, not mine.
Thanks for responding. I hope that we can continue our journey together.
Funny you say that. The forgiving thing. I have some close friends who are no longer close after our separation. Others who I didn't expect stepped up to the plate to offer their support and help to me. Situations like this really let you see who your "friends" are! I have tried to forgive but alas the hurt remains. One friend just broke up with his significant other after 15 or so years. I couldn't help but gloat a little. He hasn't told me, I heard about it through the grapevine. He and my H are still close friends. I once told my H I couldn't care less if I ever saw him again. He was surprised and told me I should get over it. Yeah, because he sided with my H. My own brother will no longer come to my house as he refuses to see my H after he left. Really sucks too that I have to keep them apart. But if I have to chose one of course it will be my H. So you aren't the only one. People seem to make their own opinions even when they are not the ones in the marriage.
Me 43 H 44 S-13 D-9 Separated 90 days 6/28/05 H Says he is done-10/2/06-day after 18th anniv Moved out 10/2/07-to father's house-day after 19th wedding anniv-GF now H Filed for D 7/08
The real friends will tell you that you should pursue what makes "you" happy. If your spouse makes you happy, it isn't anyone's business. I believe the pain will always be there, but I think it will only be a sting, rather than an open wound when you decide that you don't want to hurt any more. It is a battlefield of our minds. IMHO, because I have chosen to forgive, I can now work on it. Before now, I wanted to forgive, but just couldn't bring my self to do it. I wanted my H to pay! Not any more, he's suffered enough. He is the one who has to carry this cross and I know it's heavy....
I'm with you on that one, Gwyn. Perhaps that's the reason that I didn't waste any time making my H "earn" me back. He wanted back in, I grilled him until I felt comfortable that he was remorseful for what he did, and I let him back in. It all happened in the same day -- the same few hours, actually -- and I don't regret doing it that way.
Every time my H looks into our son's eyes, I see H's pain.
When I used to tell on my sister for doing something mean to me, my mom, without fail, would shake her head and say, "'Revenge is mine,' sayeth the Lord."
H is learning that lesson the hard way now. Bad deeds in fact do not go unpunished. But "punishing" is not ours to do.
Oh, and as for the friends-turning-their-back stuff, my H's friends didn't get involved. They were rightfully *his* friends -- I just acquired them as "friends" through my M.
But H had moved in with one of those friends, who had almost become as much of a friend to me as he had to H. And that particular friend knew that H had picked up OW before he left me, so it feels to me as if he did more than condone their R. He became friends with OW, sympathetically listening to her as she told him that she was afraid H would come back to me, etc.
He came back around within weeks after my H came home, but things are different. My friendship with him will obviously never be the same.
My H’s parents disappointed me most of all. When H left me, they just stopped being in touch. They didn’t respond to any of my letters about my pregnancy and in fact told H (while we were separated) that they had somewhat lost their “connection” with me once H and I were married. They didn’t only support H’s decision, they participated in his irresponsibility.
Now that he’s back, they think everything should by “hunky dory” – and I should forget that not only did they turn their backs on me, but on my son … their one and only grandchild.
Since H has been back home, his mom told me that she hoped I understood that she had to support her son. No, I don’t understand that. I understand that we can love people without supporting their actions – and that includes our children. If one of my daughters makes a bad choice, I still love her, but I don’t support her choice, and I tell her that.
In supporting *her* son, my MIL turned her back on *my* son. That’s going to be very difficult for me to forgive ... maybe not because of the act itself, but because she's not taking responsibility for it; she's justifying her actions through excuses.
At least my H acknowledged that what he did was wrong. Perhaps *that's* the first step toward earning forgiveness. .
Quote: Steps of knowing that you've truly forgiven:
1. Stop bringing up the offense to the offender. 2. Stop bringing up the offense to others (except here of course). AND THE HARDEST OF ALL.... 3. Stop bringing the offense up to yourself.
Wow, this was great to read this. I've thought about that quite a bit, have I really forgiven him? I think I have when I read 1,2,3. I was concerned because for #2 I vent here about it in what I felt was too much too often, but it's the only place I do vent as I have no family and just one friend off this board that I used to talk to about this but don't anymore. Now the real question I have to answer, how do I let H know about this 'forgiveness'? How do I approach the subject without bringing up the offense?
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
