Yes, I agree with you that forgiveness, like love, is a choice. I think to believe that love is a feeling, and not a choice, is what gets people into the messes we've all found ourselves in, ya know?
My family tells me I'm the most forgiving person they've ever known. I say: It's either that, or I'm the most insane person they've ever known.
Though I walked in on my H and OW in bed together -- and though that happened when I was four months pregnant and the day after H and I found out I was carrying his son -- and though in the meantime, my H got OW pregnant, too -- I still took my H back and vowed to do everything in my power to make our love work.
But forgiveness, for me, obviously doesn't stop there. And I haven't found that it's something I can snap my fingers and make happen. Perhaps that's because forgiveness isn't a black-and-white issue.
I know how I feel. I have *decided* to forgive my H. But I'm still not sure I know what that truly means. I mean, for the most part, I can even *feel* forgiveness. But sometimes, a memory creeps up, and I don't *feel* so forgiving at that moment. I don't *want* to forgive. But somehow, I pull myself together and realize I can and will continue practicing forgiveness.
I also know that after choosing to forgive my H, I have found that I can't make myself feel that same way for his friends and his family, who turned their backs on me alongside H ... no questions asked. I feel that I have run slap out of forgiveness, quite frankly.
And though that's not seemingly a very good place to be, it's where I am right now. Here I am, the "most forgiving person" in the world apparently, and I've run out of forgiveness. Right now, I'm giving it all to my H. But at least he came after it first; otherwise, I could have run out before he needed it.
I'm hoping my feelings for his friends and family will change in time. I'm relying on that.
Anyway, didn't mean to hijack here. My intent was to pick your brain about forgiveness; perhaps it's a more touchy subject in my life than even I realized.
