Hi, everyone. It's so good to hear from everybody. Like I said above, sometimes I need to back away for a little while, but it always feels good to get back and hear from you all again. The encouragement and advice is always so welcome and much needed.

Well, the session with MC went well today. As I suspected, he feels I'm stuck in my healing process. I know this is the case, too. That's why I've been having so many "meltdowns" lately (had another one last Saturday). MC wants to see me a couple times by myself in order to spare H going over the same things again and again that are keeping him from healing. I agree with all that. I know what my issues are. I had some very bad childhood experiences that make trusting people, men especially, very difficult. So, having put so much trust in my H and having that trust broken so badly is making things more difficult for me that maybe some others. MC and I will work on this out of H's presence so H can start forgiving himself. He knows without a shadow of a doubt the damage he's caused. It scares the hell out of him to be reminded constantly of it. So I'll try to keep things to myself more and when I do have to vent, I'll come here to all of you.

Steve, I do the sarcastic-remarks- thing, too. I'm an expert. I can take just about any innocent statement and make it into a nasty comment about infidelity, the OW, whatever. And every time I do it it's like I've knocked the wind out of my H. I know I'm being destructive. MC once told my H to try and realize that I'm lashing out and trying to hurt him because of the hurt that he's caused me. It's only human and understandable to a point. But, as MC said today, that point is long past. H gets it. He knows how much he's hurt me. He's done and is doing everything and anything he can to make things right again. I need to stop rubbing his nose in it. Please keep those prayers coming.

Nightly, I'm glad to hear things are going so well for you. We are actually very lucky, aren't we. It's hard to imagine saying that after going through what we've been through, but when you read some of the horror stories on this board I just thank God my family has made it through this. I don't think things will ever be the same between us. How can it be? But even now, like Steve said, OR is getting more and more peaceful and loving again.

Pfroglady, I'm so glad to hear from you. You know exactly what I'll be going through this next week. I'm going to try my darndest to take your example and replace bad memories with new and better memories. Our anniversary is next Friday. I was thinking of something like a little sex on the beach (not the drink, either [Big Grin] Blush, blush). Don't read this Andy [Wink]

Despite all my boo-hooing, I must say things are really looking pretty bright. Last Saturday when I was melting down again, I asked H when he stopped loving me. He said, "I never did. Maybe it changed, but I always loved you. There was just something missing. You must have felt it, too." Me, "Of course. Love changes when you've been together for so long. I always rode out those times. I knew things would get better again, and they always did. I never felt the need to find it with someone else." H, "I was lonely and scared. I thought you didn't love me anymore." Anyway, in the end he told me he feels like there is nothing missing between us anymore and that he loves me like he did in the beginning. I could see it in his eyes that he was telling me the truth.

Since then we've started relating to each other more like "the good old days." We're having more fun and we are more connected emotionally than we have been in a very, very long time. I just hope I can keep my PMA this next week. I probably won't be posting again until our return. We leave tomorrow night and I have a lot to do. I'll let you all know how things went when I get back. Please keep me in your thoughts. See you in about 12 days!!

M