Well, I've been threatening to move over here from "Infidelity" for a long time. It's really been just a matter of taking the time to do it. Since my other thread had over 100 replies, I decided to go for it.
For the lurid details, please read "Getting Over it." In a nutshell, H dropped bomb on me Oct 1, 2001 that he'd had an A that he ended in June 2001. He never wanted to leave; never wanted a divorce; never wanted me to know about the A. After he ended it the guilt and shame of what he'd done began tearing him apart, to the point of causing him physical illness, and he finally had to come clean with me. As I'm sure you can imagine, I was/am totally devastated. We went into counseling immediately and continue to do so.
So, next Monday it will be 6 months since the bomb. Things are certainly much, much better than 6 months ago. We still have a long way to go, however. I am really trying to forgive. I think I am making progress, but the pain is still so intense sometimes that I wonder how I can let it go. Everything has changed. Everything I believed about my H (I'm exaggerating a little, but bear with me) and about my M turns out to be false. At least that's the way I look at it now. I'm trying to concentrate on the good things in our M, but at this point everything is still overshadowed by his betrayal.
Something that is on my mind right now: last week at counseling, MC asked me what it would take for me to feel special to H again. We talked about how H shows love by being action-oriented, i.e. doing things around the house, making sure my car runs properly, going out to dinner, movies, etc. I have been saying for months (way before I found out about A) that I need more "romantic" things: i.e., more affection (hand-holding, sitting together on cough, kissing), etc. I have had no complaint in that department, but there are two things that he seemingly refused to do that really hurt me. One was to put on music in our bedroom and the other was to send me an e-mail once in a while. When I brought up the e-mail yet again at MC, H laughed!! I think it was a nervous laugh, but it really hurt my feelings. H said he thinks e-mails are very impersonal and he'd rather pick up the phone and call me (which he does 5-6 times a day). MC saw how I was feeling and asked me about it. Finally I blurted out that since H felt it was personal enough to send the OW intimate e-mails I'd think he could at least do the same for his wife! H replied that he'd only sent OW an occasional e-mail, but he understood how I felt and would do that for me. (How dense can he be?) MC got into the action-oriented things H does again to show me he loves me. Again, I blurted out, "He was doing all that stuff last year when he was in the middle of an A. He was working on the house, fixing my car, taking me out to dinner and movies, going away for weekends, vacations, etc. How is that supposed to make me feel special when he was sleeping with someone else at the same time? There is really nothing he can do to make me feel I am special to him anymore. The intimate things that two people share who love each other and are married, he shared all that with someone else and it is no longer special." MC was stunned. Probably hadn't thought about it that way. Said I was right. He didn't know what else to say!! He asked me to see him this week by myself. I go tomorrow to see him. Can't wait to see what he has to say!!
Sorry this is so long, guys. I haven't posted in a while. Sometimes I need to back away and not be reminded that I have a reason to come here. Sometimes I need to try to forget that my loving, adoring H has hurt me so treadfully that I've been brought to my knees in pain. Next week is our 18th wedding anniversary!! We'll spend it in the town where the XOW lives and where they "met" a few times. Happy anniversary to me!!
Thanks everyone. I know this is where I belong. We are piecing our marriage back together, but I am still trying to "get over it." Love to all, M
