Hi all, I have spent the last 2 months at the Newcomer forum and my stich seems to be changing so I thought that I would check in hear. My W has said she is still intersetd in the M but is not sure how things will work out. I’m not sure we are at a point of rebuilding right now but are at least talking about it. She ended things with the OM last weekend. This will be the 3rd time, but I think she did it this time for her!
Here is my last post from my thread from yesterday:
My W called this morning at work to discuss somethings and then told me that the OM called her this morning and wanted me to know before we went to see the MC. I thanked her for telling me. She said she told him it was over and I believe she is genuine about it this time. She also told me that she realized that I did a good job fulfilling her need for conversation and the OM did a good job filling her need for recreation. I see a new goal here!! My W also talked about not getting rid of the our old R altogether but taking the positives from it and working with that towards a new R.
We went to see the MC and talked about a number of things. A couple of the key issues are that our M became stale because we didn’t have any conflict (me being a conflict avoider) which lead to a lack of passion, my W needs excitement in her life, we have been very good at co-parenting and good friends but there is no SPARK. More goals. The MC talked about being loving and be loved vs. be in love. She talked about the fantasy of the A and how when you don’t know someone on a deep level you both have a fantasy of the other and it fuels the “in love fantasy”. We also talked about some of the things I would need to re-gain trust in my W. The MC asked “What will the new R look like and feeling like?” I had that very question written down on a piece of paper in my pocket (thanks Mick) and shared it with the MC. However, I didn’t have the answer written down. I shared some of my thoughts and my W shared some also. I will work more on this and define what this new R looks and feels like. We scheduled 3 more sessions with the MC for the next 3 weeks.
This evening I screwed up and brought up a couple issues. I told her I needed to know if the OM called again. I told her I was little “gun shy” right now and that it would take me some time to open up to her and I told her I needed some affection from her such as a hug or hand holding every once in a while. I think I jump way too quick on these issues. She said she doesn’t know where things will lead but that she wasn’t choosing me over the OM, but she knew the OM wasn’t for her in the long haul. She is not sure I am either, but said we would both be better off in the future from what we are learning. We talked about going out Sat. night and she said that I need to let her come to me sometimes and let her ask me out. Lastly, she told me she needed to move out of her place and either move back in here or get an apartment. I told her I need a little time to think about it and we would need to discuss what it meant if she moved back in here. I will ponder this for a few days at least. She needs an answer in about a week. Is it to soon???
I know she is and will have tough time for the next few weeks and I will continue to treat her lovingly.
Here is what I need to do. Give her time and space. No pressuring. Let her come to me. Be loving but not overly available. Let her bring up our relationship. Do what works. Be there for her when she asks. Not avoid conflicts but be respectful. Continue to have good conversations with her about everything but us. Be more exciting. Have faith. Lastly - be patient. This is a marathon. Baby steps.
"Here is what I need to do. Give her time and space. No pressuring. Let her come to me. Be loving but not overly available. Let her bring up our relationship. Do what works. Be there for her when she asks. Not avoid conflicts but be respectful. Continue to have good conversations with her about everything but us. Be more exciting. Have faith. Lastly - be patient. This is a marathon. Baby steps."
Dude, I think you know what you need to do, you said it all right here.
Forget about your marriage, work on your relationship, and mostly your friendship with your wife. If you do that, I think you'll be doing OK!
Don't talk about the R, just DO IT! Have fun together, and be friends. She seems open, so there'll probably be plently of time for the heavy R talk later.
Enjoy and celebrate each other as much as you can right now. If you can do that, I see that good things are in your future!
JJ – Thanks for the response. I appreciate your comments. I also think that things will be OK after she gets through the pain of ending the A.
I do know what I need to do and need to continue to be strong.
She asked me out for a fun date Friday night, so that is a step in the right direction. Building on our friendship first and work from there.
I am concerned about her moving back in and I need to know from her what her intentions are and what this means for us. Is she committed to the R and re-building the trust or is it because she likes our house and misses the kids?
"I am concerned about her moving back in and I need to know from her what her intentions are and what this means for us. Is she committed to the R and re-building the trust or is it because she likes our house and misses the kids?"
Try not to let these questions consume you. They'll only add to your confusion, keep you second-guessing her actions, create expectations, and take away from any positive times you have together.
What's important is that you'll be in the same house together, and have more opportunities to work your changes.
Hang in there, buddy!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Thnaks JJ - I have been leaning towards her moving back in cuz i think it would be good for us both, but i do have concerns which i will work through.
Here is an update: My W and I are spending a good bit of time together and I guess that is a good sign. It may be one of the “rebound” things she mentioned might happen, but I view it as baby steps. Last night she asked if I wanted to watch a movie she rented after the kids went to bed. I said yes. She asked if I minded if she spent the night since it would be late when the movie was over. I said I thought that it would be OK. She also asked if I would like to go out for dinner tonight before we go out or for breakfast in the morning on Sat. I told her I would like to go for breakfast – more relaxing. This should give us a chance to talk about her possibly moving back in and not effect our evening out.
She has been very appreciative of everything I do around the house and has made some nice gestures to do nice things for me. It is almost like she is nesting – trying to get the house ready for her to come back home.
This morning she woke up with “the mother of all headaches”. I got the oldest off to school and then took the youngest to school – I didn’t ask her if she wanted me to, I just did it. The old me would have asked if she wanted me to and this would have made her feel guilty so I’m improving. I hope her headache goes away so we can have fun tonight.
Regarding the discussion on the possible move back home. I know I CAN”T avoid the possible conflict that may come up in this discussion. Her feelings of what it means and mine may be different and we can talk about those. Her feelings are her feeling and I will listen, but I need to share my feelings and expectations also.
Finally, I know that for the next few weeks she will continue to experience the withdrawal from the A and I will need to continue to be patient with her. Her feelings for me will not be able to change until after she is over the A and can forgive herself. One issue I continue to struggle with is that I feel nervous around her and worried that I will say or do something to F things up. I know I need to just be myself and if she falls in love with me that will be wonderful, but if she doesn’t I will be fine. I am a wonderful loving person, father and husband and if she can not realize this than it will be her lose.
You seem to be the only one unsure of wether you are rebuilding. Your posts describing your W's actions says she wants to rebuild or at least try.
What do you want?
TonyO can tell you all about hesitancy to move back home. It almost wrecked it for him.
My advice is to get her home and start from there. One day at a time. Do Not! I repeat, Do Not direct her towards other living arrangements. Also, Don't dwell on knowing her intentions. She may not be 100% sure herself. Her actions say alot.
TW - I AM a big proponent of open communication between spouses, learning how to talk, and learning how to listen.
Remember that the spoken word is just a small part of communicating. "Actions speak louder than words".
I would suggest that you just kinda hang loose on some of the talk stuff right now. Some things that you think need to be talked about now will become less important in the future. Choose your talks wisely.
Take this time to chill, and enjoy each other right now. There should be plenty of time for some of the other crap later. Become best friends again first.
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Thanks for your words of wisdom. I do truly want to rebuild and I want her home. I will do my best to try to get her home, but I do need to have some boundaries, like her ending contact with the OM.
We went out last night and had a good time together. We had breakfast this morning and had a talk about her moving at the end of the month. She admitted that she has been talking to the OM and that ending things were harder than she expected. I listened to her. She said she feels like she needs to be alone while she gets through this. She said she did not want to give up an 11 yr marriage to the father of her children and would like try to re-build. She said she knows the OM and her can never be but is struggling. She introduced me last night as her “Dear Friend” which is good. She said she need to feeling like she wanted to hug and kiss me and I agreed that I need the same. I told her my patience will run out as sometime and I will know when that is.
She told me to just be myself. She said she loves everything about me but …..? I asked but what? And she said I don’t know. She doesn’t have that “I love feeling”! She said when I told her last week that I needed some affection from her she felt like the walls were closing in on her. BACK OFF is the message. I apologized and told her I could sense her uneasiness from this. She said I shouldn’t feel bad about it since it is how I feel about the R. She said she didn’t know why she felt as she did, but she did.
I told her that all I needed from her right now was honesty and I would not pressure for anything more. I told her that until she got through getting over the OM, I did not expect her feeling for me to change. She said she did understand how I could want to work things out after what she did to me and how I could be with someone who didn’t care about my feelings. I told her that was my struggle to deal with and it wasn’t just her and I needed to worry about but it effected an entire family.
So for now, I need to back off and detach. Be myself and take care of myself. I will try to get her to move back in. She needs to decide by later this week.
********************************************** She needs to decide by later this week ********************************************** She decides when she decides. Just be ready. You sure been talkin bunches. Enough of that heavy stuff. Don't initiate any more OR crap.
Your right about giving her space. I suggest you start making an effort to be going out some. Start some new activities that keep you away from home and away from the phone.
Wifey is playing with the bait but not biting. Time to start reeling it in some. Make her wonder if she might lose the chance. Not alot. Just some subtle changes in the hours you keep and your availability.
Just cus she needs time to sort things out don't mean you need to be waiting around for her. It's actually pretty pathetic if she thinks your life is on hold.
Get out meet some wimmins. Dance! club! bowl! whatever! Anything will do. I recommend a little dimness for you.
Believe me - I will lay off the OR crap. Thanks for being right to the point. I need that now.
Dimness seems to work best with her and i have already set some in motion.
I will get out this week on my own some more.
Went out with the kids today and went to work out tonight. Off to church by myself tomarrow. Hockey monday night - so i'm get out. I going to make plans for one night this week and next weekend to go to a club/ danc'n. Need to get the un-predictability thing go'n.
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