Hi all, I have spent the last 2 months at the Newcomer forum and my stich seems to be changing so I thought that I would check in hear. My W has said she is still intersetd in the M but is not sure how things will work out. I’m not sure we are at a point of rebuilding right now but are at least talking about it. She ended things with the OM last weekend. This will be the 3rd time, but I think she did it this time for her!
Here is my last post from my thread from yesterday:
My W called this morning at work to discuss somethings and then told me that the OM called her this morning and wanted me to know before we went to see the MC. I thanked her for telling me. She said she told him it was over and I believe she is genuine about it this time. She also told me that she realized that I did a good job fulfilling her need for conversation and the OM did a good job filling her need for recreation. I see a new goal here!! My W also talked about not getting rid of the our old R altogether but taking the positives from it and working with that towards a new R.
We went to see the MC and talked about a number of things. A couple of the key issues are that our M became stale because we didn’t have any conflict (me being a conflict avoider) which lead to a lack of passion, my W needs excitement in her life, we have been very good at co-parenting and good friends but there is no SPARK. More goals. The MC talked about being loving and be loved vs. be in love. She talked about the fantasy of the A and how when you don’t know someone on a deep level you both have a fantasy of the other and it fuels the “in love fantasy”. We also talked about some of the things I would need to re-gain trust in my W. The MC asked “What will the new R look like and feeling like?” I had that very question written down on a piece of paper in my pocket (thanks Mick) and shared it with the MC. However, I didn’t have the answer written down. I shared some of my thoughts and my W shared some also. I will work more on this and define what this new R looks and feels like. We scheduled 3 more sessions with the MC for the next 3 weeks.
This evening I screwed up and brought up a couple issues. I told her I needed to know if the OM called again. I told her I was little “gun shy” right now and that it would take me some time to open up to her and I told her I needed some affection from her such as a hug or hand holding every once in a while. I think I jump way too quick on these issues. She said she doesn’t know where things will lead but that she wasn’t choosing me over the OM, but she knew the OM wasn’t for her in the long haul. She is not sure I am either, but said we would both be better off in the future from what we are learning. We talked about going out Sat. night and she said that I need to let her come to me sometimes and let her ask me out. Lastly, she told me she needed to move out of her place and either move back in here or get an apartment. I told her I need a little time to think about it and we would need to discuss what it meant if she moved back in here. I will ponder this for a few days at least. She needs an answer in about a week. Is it to soon???
I know she is and will have tough time for the next few weeks and I will continue to treat her lovingly.
Here is what I need to do. Give her time and space. No pressuring. Let her come to me. Be loving but not overly available. Let her bring up our relationship. Do what works. Be there for her when she asks. Not avoid conflicts but be respectful. Continue to have good conversations with her about everything but us. Be more exciting. Have faith. Lastly - be patient. This is a marathon. Baby steps.
