After a late night at younger son's annual school fundraiser, I am tired and find myself in the posession of items, I really don't need, that I bid on, in the excitement of evening....this after making major donations to the Silent Auction and putting together an expensive class basket for his grade. However, son's school is an exceptional school and this child is doing very well in every way. It is in direct contrast to the past.
It is so true, that when one person in the family changes, it has an effect on the others. (Michele's philosophy & family systems approach). In my case it has been bittersweet: My, currently, seventh grader was always "the problem child" in our family, both behaviorally and academically. His older brother(now 16) was "the star"..a natural athlete,a good student, with great personality, looks, etc.
When older son took a fall, due to the instability in our family(H's MLC) and changing schools at the eighth grade level,both occurring at the same time....younger son's role started to change. He underwent a dramatic transformation. As his older brother started getting into trouble, constantly (to the point of being booted out of school), younger son has risen to the occasion and has taken over the role of "the good one" (as he puts it) in the family. He is Pres of the Student Council,grades are now excellent and he has started to play sports. In the meantime,our older son is now in boarding school, as we try to get him back on track. I miss him, terribly and it breaks my heart!
Karen, your point abount a boy's need to see his father as a hero is right on target. My older son was most cognizant of the damage his father did to me and our family. He was a great strength to me during that difficult time. It was too much for any 12 1/2 yr old child to handle. As my H "got better",son started to"act out", releasing his pent up anxiety and fear.
I talked to My H about this last night and he refuses to see his role in our son's current situ. It reminds of his reaction to me during his MLC...just so out of touch with his emotions and reality. I wish I could have spared my children from witnessing their mom suffer so much, during that traumatic period. It is the source of great pain and guilt to me.
Karen, you are fortunate that your son can process his feelings with you and that your period "of craziness" was much briefer than mine.It is wonderful that your marriage is a stable and happy one.I am so very pleased for you. I remember when you first posted in such a panic. I rushed in to try to point you in the right direction, along with CT and others. I am certain because you acted so quickly,intiating DB tactics immediately, and avoided the months of NON- DBing behavior most of us presented, your situ was resolved favorably and in a very short amount of time. It's great to hear from you and you are an inspiration to many of the newcomers.
My friends,once things things have started there is a ripple effect that goes on for years.(In my case a tidal wave)
Crisch...Thanks for the welcome back,but I must tell you I have never been away from this board.( since I first found it in the spring of '99) I just post more frequntly, at certain times and this is one of them. I'm sure you've heard of an anniversary reaction and this time of year is provactive to me.
RE posting: I don't have much time and when I find I am being redundant,I focus energy elsewhere. There are just so many times you can say the same thing to an individual. In your case, you have done an outstanding job of "waiting it out" I don't think I could ever have provided the type of endless support and "friendship", that you have provided your estranged spouse.My defintion of "be a friend" was much different and involved drawing the line at enabling. My focus was to avoid "mothering" or caring (interpreted as controlling) for my H in anyway. It involved being repectful,listening to his comments without trying to prove my own point and it required me to be non judgemental. Crisch, you have come a long way and have become stronger in your sense of self and independence. Your work on your house is fantastic and symbolic. It's said that our house reflects our inner selves, especially the bedroom. You are doing a major overhaul and that's great. I hope you developing adult friendships and social relationships. This takes time and effort, but is worth it, in the long run. I know you vent on these boards,but you seem to spend quite a bit time, attempting to analyze your spouse. It's helpful to understand the psycholoical aspect of one's behavior, but it really doesn't change them...you can only work on yourself. I don't know whether or not you've had your own therapist, but it would be very helpful to you to get one,particularly,right now.(Sliding fee scales are available). You are young and talented in many ways..there is a wonderful life waiting for you.
Lily, keep up the good work. My spirituality and and faith were instrumental in my efforts to achieve success and are the basis for my strength, too. You have a good situ, try to relax.
