Karen: I am so glad to add you to my list of successes. I have been on the bb for 4 months, H gone for 7 months , affair going on for 9 months. He moved in with OW (Maggot) 5 months ago. SO much for the numbers. He also moved home in DEc for a week. He is nuts. There were months of anger & hostility, but all of a sudden he is starting to be nicer & helpful. I'm not sure why. I'm not sure if I trust him. I am trying to. Either he is starting to "wake up" a bit, or he is about to drop a bomb on me. Please pray for me or give any advice that might help. I have the deepest respect for those of you who hung in there & succeeded then came back to help out the rest of us who never knew their Ms were in trouble. Thanks Barb
I'm so happy to hear from you again. I really miss you and remember you from the very beginning of our journey. Unfortunately, the older posts back from 1999 were deleted. I wanted to go back and track how far I've come...kind of take inventory, so to speak.
I'm glad you're doing so well. My prayers go out to your sons. I was watching Dr. Phil the other day and he talked about how kids get wrapped up in the problems of the family but rarely are involved with the restoration of it. How true. We all hear that kids are resilient, but I believe differently. I think kids have amazing coping skills, but that those skills are no longer appropriate once adulthood is reached...then the problems resurface.
I know you're doing the absolute best with them! You've had plenty of practice with that empathetic listening!
My journey has taken me to the point of total detatchment...not even being a friend to my H. I found his friendship to be very draining. Like a black hole. It seemed that being his friend did not produce results...just more of the same behavior of the past...hanging out without giving anything of himself. I thought long and hard about the woman who basically enabled her way into a divorce. I think you were the one who pointed out her thread to me.
My own LTR...I've stated to H that I'm traveling in this direction. If he chooses to travel with me, he needs to pay for gas money as well! If he doesn't choose to travel with me, hey, we're sure going to miss you but so long!
I'm glad you're contributing on the boards again. You've always been a wonderful inspiration!
all of your messages are very encouragong to me ! Thank You, I am going through a very hard time right now with my wife and an affair....We have two small children and I am very frustrated with her. Thanks for the strength. I Will refer her to this message......Thanks again !!!
Hi guys. I've been trying to post a message but I guess it's been so long I can't get the hang of it. I hope this one ends up where it's suppose to. Jenny, I'm so glad you are stronger than ever. Those were rough roads we traveled and I'm glad we are off them. I I remember the I don't love you and I don't think i ever did garbage. All of those things were so hurtful. People couldn't understand why I let him stay. I had to realize that the affair was a symptom of our problems, and once the problems were solved the symtoms would go away. I don't have much time, but I just wanted to check in, now that all my friends have now been accounted for. Love and luck, Karen
After a late night at younger son's annual school fundraiser, I am tired and find myself in the posession of items, I really don't need, that I bid on, in the excitement of evening....this after making major donations to the Silent Auction and putting together an expensive class basket for his grade. However, son's school is an exceptional school and this child is doing very well in every way. It is in direct contrast to the past.
It is so true, that when one person in the family changes, it has an effect on the others. (Michele's philosophy & family systems approach). In my case it has been bittersweet: My, currently, seventh grader was always "the problem child" in our family, both behaviorally and academically. His older brother(now 16) was "the star"..a natural athlete,a good student, with great personality, looks, etc.
When older son took a fall, due to the instability in our family(H's MLC) and changing schools at the eighth grade level,both occurring at the same time....younger son's role started to change. He underwent a dramatic transformation. As his older brother started getting into trouble, constantly (to the point of being booted out of school), younger son has risen to the occasion and has taken over the role of "the good one" (as he puts it) in the family. He is Pres of the Student Council,grades are now excellent and he has started to play sports. In the meantime,our older son is now in boarding school, as we try to get him back on track. I miss him, terribly and it breaks my heart!
Karen, your point abount a boy's need to see his father as a hero is right on target. My older son was most cognizant of the damage his father did to me and our family. He was a great strength to me during that difficult time. It was too much for any 12 1/2 yr old child to handle. As my H "got better",son started to"act out", releasing his pent up anxiety and fear.
I talked to My H about this last night and he refuses to see his role in our son's current situ. It reminds of his reaction to me during his MLC...just so out of touch with his emotions and reality. I wish I could have spared my children from witnessing their mom suffer so much, during that traumatic period. It is the source of great pain and guilt to me.
Karen, you are fortunate that your son can process his feelings with you and that your period "of craziness" was much briefer than mine.It is wonderful that your marriage is a stable and happy one.I am so very pleased for you. I remember when you first posted in such a panic. I rushed in to try to point you in the right direction, along with CT and others. I am certain because you acted so quickly,intiating DB tactics immediately, and avoided the months of NON- DBing behavior most of us presented, your situ was resolved favorably and in a very short amount of time. It's great to hear from you and you are an inspiration to many of the newcomers.
My friends,once things things have started there is a ripple effect that goes on for years.(In my case a tidal wave)
Crisch...Thanks for the welcome back,but I must tell you I have never been away from this board.( since I first found it in the spring of '99) I just post more frequntly, at certain times and this is one of them. I'm sure you've heard of an anniversary reaction and this time of year is provactive to me.
RE posting: I don't have much time and when I find I am being redundant,I focus energy elsewhere. There are just so many times you can say the same thing to an individual. In your case, you have done an outstanding job of "waiting it out" I don't think I could ever have provided the type of endless support and "friendship", that you have provided your estranged spouse.My defintion of "be a friend" was much different and involved drawing the line at enabling. My focus was to avoid "mothering" or caring (interpreted as controlling) for my H in anyway. It involved being repectful,listening to his comments without trying to prove my own point and it required me to be non judgemental. Crisch, you have come a long way and have become stronger in your sense of self and independence. Your work on your house is fantastic and symbolic. It's said that our house reflects our inner selves, especially the bedroom. You are doing a major overhaul and that's great. I hope you developing adult friendships and social relationships. This takes time and effort, but is worth it, in the long run. I know you vent on these boards,but you seem to spend quite a bit time, attempting to analyze your spouse. It's helpful to understand the psycholoical aspect of one's behavior, but it really doesn't change them...you can only work on yourself. I don't know whether or not you've had your own therapist, but it would be very helpful to you to get one,particularly,right now.(Sliding fee scales are available). You are young and talented in many ways..there is a wonderful life waiting for you.
Lily, keep up the good work. My spirituality and and faith were instrumental in my efforts to achieve success and are the basis for my strength, too. You have a good situ, try to relax.
Last year I didn't go to the appt due to thyroid sit. H mentioned that I'd been dx. CPA's wife is also hypo and he had two messages for us. Mine was to take care of my health. H's was to not even think about D. I thought that was such a wierd bit of advice at the time. Not 5 months later that was exactly what happened.
The tax man told H that 2002 we would problably have to pay; first year ever that we wouldn't rec a return. He said to dump money into the day care and to save save save receipts. I've saved everything but nothing was done for the day care except playground maintenance. The house/yard are neglected.
Sometime in the recent past I brought up the subject of H's plan to walk away. He told me he was planning to leave during the spring, 02. I can see it. We'd get the tax bill and H would have used that as the reason for his exit.
Do ya'll think I should open a conversation about this appt on the 8th? Should I ask H BEFOREHAND what he feels we should do if we get hit? Should I leave the mention of his plan to exit in the past?
I am hearing good things fr H. When I asked him a question about our money gifts to our church he said, "WE tithe". Someone mentioned a meeting on a Wed evening (C Sessions and Church take priority on Wed) he told them "WE are at church. He is consciously including me. When I thanked him for taking me to the dinner meeting on Monday, he asked, "well why wouldn't I take you. . .oh. . ."
Of course Son wants the car constantly. He offered to fetch gingerale for me yesterday as I was still having a headache and I told him no. While he was a new solo driver I wanted him to defer to dad re his driving times. I told H about it and he said I was right to tell him no yesterday because son is sick and needed to sleep. He feels I shouldn't defer the permission for driving to him though. I can't help but remember our D starting her driving phase and the contention that we had about that. I've said a couple of times that I wanted to make sure that we were in agreement about S and the driving and H agreed.
I was really ill yesterday w headache. H wanted to know why I didn't call him. I took a hit when he said he hadn't cared that I was scared I was dying so I tend to be protective of myself when I don't feel good. I told him that if it had escalated past the headache, chills, and barfing, I would have called. I excused myself fr cooking supper and asked H to make a bank run for me (this was a first since the bomb). He came back w gingerale, crackers, and an icepack! He asked if I wanted to go to church but I told him I just wanted to sleep. He called me at some point and was home before I knew it.
Tonight he is coaching the speech contestant at her parent's home. The O club pres is going w him. He asked me if I wanted to go but I told him I thought I'd stay home and bake. I'm trying.
People talk about rebonding. That's happening. I feel so changed though. I guess that's part of the process. I wonder how 'changed' my H feels?
Someone posted somewhere that the less guilty the spouse feels, the more s/he is able to settle back into the R. At first they tend to just feel obligated.
I know H wants me to keep us financially stable and that he wants my backing re the kids. There's gotta be more. . .in time we'll share.
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You've had plenty of practice with that empathetic listening!