You give me hope. Thank you. For the past 6 months I have been making changes. At times I'd be very frustrated because I wasn't exactly sure just what I was supposed to be changing
At the core of me is my spirituality. That's finally on track.
Michele, in explaining SBT talks about how the effects of behavior is circular. If only one spouse makes changes, then the other one is likely to be affected by that change. Did she call that the 'butterfly' effect?
Dr. Phil's relationship book has me thinking about my bad habits that I developed during the 28 years of our marriage.
I did something irresponsible and H responded w huge anger. I felt intimadated by his response and that stayed hovering over me like a shadow for years, coloring my interactions w him. The way I interacted now affected him which affected me, etc etc and so on until I again caused him to chose to react in a hugely anger filled manner. I called his bluff (I remember saying, "go ahead and give me your ultimatum; I'm not afraid of you anymore"). It took him 14 years to stuff enough anger so that he could do it. I only found out 4 months ago that the ultimatum was that he would leave me. My secret fear all these years was that that ultimatum would be that he would stop loving me. My God! 26 years of my life was I parternerd in this dance of conflict. My fear became my reality. H's ultimatum almost happened but he accepted my offer of friendship.
The fact that it took him so many years to finally tell me he wanted a D gives me hope that at his core is still some small flame that can be nurtured back to a loving feeling for me.
I am working on my changes. I'm done trying to make him be the perfect H and father. I accept him as my friend.
Thanks for your time.
I have lots more questions for you and any of the other veterans of this scenario.
