My H had his first indiscretion(that I knew of) in the fifth year of our marriage. I threatened to end our marriage and he was really shaken up. I thought he had learned a lesson, however,I lost much respect and trust (in H) at that time. We really never processed it with each other, let alone through professional counseling. About 10 yrs into the marriage, My H distanced himself from me and seemed to be in low mood most of the time. Anger and hostility manifested a yr or two later. I didn't know what I had done, however I suspected a co worker had seduced him and that he had something going on about a yr prior to the "bomb". I confronted him often and he denied it big time. I work in the mental health field and I attributed much of his behavior to depression and MLC. I thought he had too much integrity and loyalty to our two sons to end the marriage. I was wrong .After a humilating few months in '98, my H confronted me in early '99 stating that he wanted a divorce. He fully intended to obtain one and OW was newly divorced and waiting in the wings. We probably would be divorced by now, had I not found Michele's book and this site. I did a complete turn around ( I had been ,pleading, crying demanding and totally outraged for a couple of months, in response to the bomb) and he actually stayed at home, when I stopped pushing him and detached. It was hell, believe me to have him there,and suffer the humiliation of his constant rejection, but I did it. I listened to the demeaning and hurtful things he said to me in front of therapists (the couple of times that he went) .( If I hadn't put my children first, I would have left him, myself! In addition, I would be D**!#!, if I was going to allow his co worker to reap all the benefits, financial and otherwise that I had helped to work forover the years.) In his mind it was OVER and he wanted no part of me, just the children.He would have been happy if I just droped off the planet. Everyday, I thought it would be the day that he moved out and I fully expected it. I learned to detach and DB and worked on myself. I disappeared in to my professional world.(that was a 180 for me). When he told me he was miserable and was going to move out. I just listened validating his comments. At times I would gently say: You are miserable and I am sorry to see you go,but there'a the door. Barb this went on for a year. Gradually, the OW faded from the picture( I think she got tired of waiting for him) There also were EA'S. However, Barb,Once I read Michele's book...I STOPPED asking about OW or thinking about her. She was just a symptom, not a cause. When he got better, the "symptom" disappeared. I did this all by myself. My H made no effort to restore our marriage and was dead set against it. About a yr into my DBing, I cheerfully asked him to care for the children for a couple of weeks and that I was going away. He said"Away? For what?" I said, "To have some time to think about what I want to do with my life" and "I so appreciate your help". Barb,it was then he woke up...a year of good DBing paid off. The next day he became frantic and so fearful he was going to lose me...the rest is history. So, to answer your question, he did have an OW, he did move out mentally and emotionally, but his body stayed at home for a year.
I had a very good DB buddy who went through the same thing with me at the same time. Her H did move out,physically, for more than a year. He came home! (Her posts are under Jamie,in Hopefulness)
Well my friend, I hope I have answered some of your questions. There is so much more to the whole thing, but I have tried to give you a glimpse.
