Ladies that lunch

[haphazard]

Respect... aaah respect. She does not respect you because you pursue. And because you have been somewhat dancing to her tune and feeling resentful about the fact that that is what you're doing. From what you have told us she is quite an independent type of person and I get the feeling she would like for you to be independent too. I guess she may be feeling a little overwhelmed by your dependence on her to make you happy. This is not her job, and it is not your job to make her happy either. It is your job to be happy and to share that with her.

I have completely stopped all romantic gestures or extra things I normally do to try and maker her happy.

You have been trying to make her happy. Do not stop these things out of meanness or out of a desire to come over more alpha. Stop trying to MAKE her happy. If you want to give a romantic gesture do it because it would make YOU happy. I swear she will feel the difference in your approach.

Being alpha is not about being hard or tough or self-centred it is about being happy in your own skin and about being happy to have your partner along for the ride. Do not do anything that makes you uncomfortable or upsets your equilibrium just because you think it would make her (and therefore you) happy. If it seems she would like you to do something previously you would have knee-jerk done it for her, now you are knee-jerk NOT doing it for her (with - I am guessing here - an added helping of nastiness just to make yourself feel tougher). What I think would work better is for you listen to yourself more so that when you think she would like something you can give it without feeling obligated or withhold it without feeling vindictive. You have to be careful that what you think is alpha isn't just over-assertive beta.

Example 1:

She: Honey could you get me a glass of water?
Alpha man: Sure (no skin of your nose and you are happy to oblige)

She: Honey could you get me a glass of water?
Over-assertive beta: What did your last slave die of?

Example 2:
Beta convo:
She: You know hon, I've been thinking I don't really like the colour in this living room any more.
Beta thinking: Uh oh she wants me to redecorate - but I had plans for next weekend and now she's got me redecorating the living room.
Beta out loud: Oh what's wrong with it the way it is?
She: Long explanation about colours and what goes with what and light etc
Beta thinking: she's so darned negative all the time why can't she just be happy with the colour we did two years ago.
Beta - out loud - peevishly: OK babe just pick the colours (sigh) and I'll paint it at the weekend.
She (thinking): Gawd, what's wrong with him? Why is always so negative about everything - I can't open my mouth without him getting into a mood.

Over-assertive beta convo:
She: You know hon, I've been thinking I don't really like the colour in this living room any more.
Over assertive beta: Well you don't need to think I'm doing anything about it. I've got that game next weekend and I'm much too busy after that to even think about doing any decorating. If you want it done do it yourself.

Alpha convo:
She: You know hon, I've been thinking I don't really like the colour in this living room any more.
Alpha: I guess a change might be nice, did you have any colours in mind?
She: Well I was thinking along the lines of ......
Alpha (after listening for a while): You know I've heard that on the <insert name of paint company here> website they've got this colour planning tool. It sounds kind of fun, do you want to try it?
She: Hey yeah! That sounds great.
Alpha: I don't think we could do the actual decorating job for a couple more weeks though.
She: Oh that's no problem sweetheart - whenever you're ready. You've got that game next weekend, so I could start on the prep while you're gone.

Do you see the difference? Alpha isn't a push over but he isn't nasty about it. He engages without defensiveness and is perfectly pleasant about offering to do the things he feels willing and able to do (like mulling over what colours to go for). He is also clear - but without rancour about the things he is not willing to do.

I had fun writing those

Hope it helped some.

Fran