Hi Andy- How is it that you manage to read my mind so well? You just said exactly what I need to do (again), and mind you-I know this too-it's just the doing it all the time part that I'm chasing my tail on....
"The tough part is accepting our spouse’s weaknesses" and may I also add 'accepting our own'
Now that I have had my eyes opened (wide) I understand what the weaknesses are, and even tho I knew about the procrastination before we were together (as a couple), I didn't think it would bother me so much. Once again, I am proven wrong.
Phoe-you ask an interesting question that I will try to answer, but probably need to sit and really hash-out how I feel now as compared to before A, after A but b/f DB and now with DB. Before the A I thought we were 2 of the lucky few. I thought we had a good marriage. Not great, we had our problems but hey, who doesn't? I always thought I could talk to him about anything and felt he thought he could talk to me as well. I noticed a change after the kids were born but we talked about it and unless he was outright lying to me, we both recognized how our lives would change and had already changed but we agreed to always to put the kids first-and still try and maintain the 'us' in OR. I believed in his fidelity above anything else he could have ever done. I never thought him capable of cheating on me. He has always been very jealous of me (he is almost 10 years older) and he always worried about me finding a 'younger stud'. When I was in the military and was usually the only female officer in a whole slew of men, rarely did I ever work with another female and while I had a few female soldiers, they were subordinate and could not be my "buddies". He was always jealous of me being around all those men (btw most-not all-men in the military are in really good physical shape and don't look all that bad in a pair of PT shorts). We had a number of arguments about how he felt I was flirting with all the men I worked with. I think this might be siginificant to his A b/c once in a C session he said that during his A he figured I was already cheating on him, so why shouldn't he? C asked him if he had any proof that I was cheating and then suggested that maybe he was trying to justify his A by thinking that way. So then I (rather loudly) pointed out- how could I have been? I was in a new state, new house, new job, 2 dogs, freshly moved-in-to and yet unpacked house, caring for 2 kids under the age of 5....like I had TIME to cheat on him....not to mention the fact that since I met my H, I have not met another man I'd consider being intimate with-the desire for that just isn't inside me-HE is who I want.
Ok, about half way through his deployment I find out about him 'chatting' with a woman on line-he lies for almost a year saying he'd never met her, it was just friends-just someone to talk to-nothing sexual, claims he didn't even know what she looks like, met her in a chat room and that she lived in CA. It was all BS. I knew it was a EA/PA but couldn't prove it. I was miserable during that time. Did all the wrong non-DB things. I had gone to see a solution-based C after I found out while he was still deployed and it helped some, but I never got to the point where I trusted him about the whole thing and it was slowly ripping me apart. Since he wasn't here he couldn't go to C with me, it was all about how I could deal with what he told me vs. what I believed to be true. How not to snoop and how he deserved the benefit of the doubt, how to start taking care of and focusing on me and the boys....Accepting what they tell you when you know in your heart it's BS was something I never did master. Even after the deployment was over he acted like everything was fine and that it was all in my head-I was the one with the problem.
I found out the whole truth about the A 7 November 2000, about 6 months after he got home. Happy voting day to me. (yes I did still vote) It was about 2 months or so after that when I found DB. I was a mess for those 2 months. I could not keep it together for more than a few hours. I often had to leave work and just go sit in my car and cry or scream. We spoke VERY little, but we did go back to my same C at his request-which helped.
So here I am now, almost 14 months post DB and where am I?
Most days I'm fine and we are ok, not perfect, but just ok-like before A. But there are other days....I know I still have a lot of anger inside of me-after this last melt-down, he now knows it too. I told him I was afraid that he'd wake up one day and realize that I'm not really worth it after all and he'll bolt. I don't trust him. I don't think he's got an OW now or has had another OW since his A and I know he stopped seeing her and stopped all contact with her when he said he did (she confirmed this to me-AND apologized to me as she didn't know he was married). I have a lot of unresolved issues. Accepting that they will likely never be resolved is probably the best way to describe where I'm at right now. I can't seem to do that. I know how to tell myself to do this, let it go, give it to God, truly forgive, accept his weaknesses and my own...I know what the books say and I even carry a copy of the Serenity Prayer with me...but....
